Dear Japan, We Need To Talk

see-through-skirt-1

Dear Japan;

Recently I’ve heard rumblings about a new fashion trend you plan to unleash on the world…the “Panty Skirt”. Ok, I get it, these ARE NOT see through as it appears:

see-through-skirt-1

They are actually PRINTED SKIRTS that make it look like you are *ahem* showing off your “assets” (pun intended):

see-through-skirt-2

In general, Japan, I think these are a really bad idea but I really don’t get this one…what’s up with the scrunchy panties? That looks UNCOMFORTABLE:

see-through-skirt-3

(Side Note: Something like this actually happened to me once at a client lunch at the very beginning of my career when I was in my 20′s. Back then I didn’t realize more than one glass of wine at lunch was a really bad idea…and four was even worse. At some point, I got up to go to the bathroom and I had on one of those big foofy 80′s dresses? Well, it got hung up in my panty hose….because we wore those back then kiddos…and I walked all the way through the restaurant with my “assets” on display, and also I think dragging a strand of toilet paper. One of my prouder memories to be sure.)

Wait, Japan…where was I?

Oh yes, this skirt issue.

see-through-skirt-4

I’m going to have to demand that you keep this particular trend to yourself because I promise you, if I wake up one morning and see my daughter wearing one of these, you will have me to answer to.

…and trust me, you really don’t want that.

Yours,
TSM

PS: If you guys want a quick smile today, head over to CheerUpNation by clicking HERE. It’s Brian Papa’s new site and it is awesome! Check it out…and submit some pictures of your own kids too!

Thank Goodness!

Y’all, I am SO EXCITED. Remember that recent episode where I couldn’t afford that fancy schmancy face cream? Turns out I don’t need it!

I found this gem today and plan to officially start my exercise regime tomorrow…

Now if someone could please make me understand what she is doing around the :31, I’d appreciate it.

On second thought, my children could possibly read your comments.

NEVERMIND.

Presenting A List Of Products You Probably Don’t Want To Purchase

things-i-wont-buy-1

Because I know you were all dying to know, following is a list of things I will not be purchasing this summer.

Item Number One: Tiki Pots and Torches

things-i-wont-buy-1
things-i-wont-buy-2

Reason? After a few of those adult beverages pictured above, this is the stuff that would haunt my dreams. Also…solar powered…added benefit that the eyes and mouth glow in the dark to guarantee your children have nightmares and wake you up after said adult beverages. I don’t need that kind of grief in my life. And those teeth? NO.

Item Number Two: Frog Vomit Dish

things-i-wont-buy-31

Reason: No appetite for frog vomit. ‘Nuff said.

Item Number Three: “Fence Art”

things-i-wont-buy-4

Reason: At first glance, I thought this was rapid growing Ivy. But no. This? Is genuine vinyl mesh made to cover your ugly fence…to make it uglier. We have an ugly fence. I don’t need help making it uglier, but thanks.

Item Number Four: Cherry Pitting Pooper Supreme

things-i-wont-buy-5

Reason? Is it just me or does this toothy little guy look like he is pooping cherry pits? Try selling that one to your fussy kids and report back to me. “Hey Kids! Watch the cherry pitter poop!” Go ahead, try it…I’m waiting.

Item Number Five: Kanye Glasses for the Middle Aged Visually Impaired Set.

things-i-wont-buy-6

Reason? Lauded as the way to teach your eyes to relax, these lovely shades can be worn while reading, on the computer, watching TV…but not while driving! (Um, duh?) It’s possible they may possibly correct your vision. Thanks but I’ll take blindness over looking like Kanye while chanting “That that don’t kill me…can only make me stronger…” Speaking of, if you do see me in this, go ahead and kill me. It will make you stronger, I promise. And popular.

And lastly, Item Number Six: Pee In Your Pants Panties

things-i-wont-buy-7

Reason? I could spend a lot of time on the fact that these are granny pants, which is just too easy. What you really need to know here is that these granny pants will hold five ounces of liquid. Really. While I’ve been known to snee myself (and if you haven’t read me for a long time…you may want to know about this personal problem of mine) I just cannot go there. You can even wear these all day as the magical panties will wick the liquid away from you for up to eight hours. EWWWWW.

This entire list? Oh. Hell. No.

Amazing Fashion For Men…

wolf-shirt

Here it is people. This? Is the hottest selling T-shirt in America right now….The Three Man Wolf Shirt. Behold it’s glory…

wolf-shirt

This is truly the new definition of hotness in America.

Apparently, what is going on here is what went on with the famous leather pants that were all the rage on ebay in 2005. If you never read the sales description, click here now..it’s priceless.

ANYWAY.

This shirt has caused almost 400 people to post sarcastic reviews on Amazon and almost 6,000 people to read and review them. If you get a chance, go check it out, but until then, here is a sample:

“This item has wolves on it which makes it intrinsically sweet and worth 5 stars by itself, but once I tried it on, that’s when the magic happened. After checking to ensure that the shirt would properly cover my girth, I walked from my trailer to Wal-mart with the shirt on and was immediately approached by women. The women knew from the wolves on my shirt that I, like a wolf, am a mysterious loner who knows how to ‘howl at the moon’ from time to time (if you catch my drift!).”

I had to know more about the men who would buy such a shirt so I looked into “Customers Who Viewed This Item Also Viewed…” just to get a better feel for the mindset going on with fans of that shirt because this is the way I spend my spare time. I’m going to tell you right now to swallow that coffee before going any further.

Done?

Okay good…because they also viewed these BLUE ZEBRA pants:

wolf-pants2

…because you can never have enough animal references on your body at one time.

And because they would be wearing the ultra sexy Three Man Wolf Shirt along with the Blue Zebra pants, naturally the next thing they would look to purchase is this:

wolf-book

Which makes perfect sense to me, don’t you agree?

…I only wish I was making this up.

Have a great weekend y’all…and happy shopping!

Greetings From Quasimoto

quasimoto

Oh hello Internets! I know, I’ve been missing this week. I’ve got good reasons, really.

The surgery went swimmingly. I pretty much slept for four days straight and then tried to go back to work on Monday. Tried…and FAILED. I fell asleep sitting up in my chair and threw in the towel. Apparently, I am not cut out for any type of prescription drug abuse because I quit taking the damn things Saturday and was still hung over from them on Monday.

My life as a hard core pharm party girl? Not so much.

Got back to work on Tuesday. Busted my butt to get caught up. Did not leave my chair or my house for a few reasons. First of all, I still had a slighty oompa loompa appearance going on….all roundish and short…and could not fit in my clothes. Secondly, well…I don’t know what the second reason is other than I am horrifically vain and you are just never gonna see me looking that bad.

Finally Wednesday, I had gone back to my normal size and was able to put on a pair of jeans to go out to lunch. Bad move. I spent an hour on my feet and when I got home ohmygodthepain. So back I went to the oompa loompa wardrobe until the next day when I went to the doctor for my post op follow up.

Get to the doctor, tell him proudly I was able to get into my jeans well in advance of the one week he said it would take and he was all, “ARE YOU CRAZY?” Apparently, I was not supposed to do that and my uterus (now known as the uterFUSS) did not like it one tiny little bit. I was told in no uncertain terms that jeans and high heels (gasp) were not to be a part of m wardrobe for yet another week. Okay, I can deal with that…sort of.

So my uterFUSS and I went back home and resumed the oompa loompa wardrobe and the endless sitting around, not being able to go on calls, not willing to go out in public. You would think that would be the end of it.

But no.

Now, I just have NO IDEA how this happened but sometime Thursday, I threw my back out. How this happened in my almost catatonic state is truly one of the great medical mysteries in life. This has never happened to me and I even had a bone scan at the doctors office the day before where they told my how strong my spine was. (Like I didn’t know that already. Pfft.) All I know is I woke up Friday morning with my back so cramped I could not get out of bed. I was stuck like a turtle who gets turned over on it’s shell and The Man had to hoist me out of bed. After I calmed the children down from the shriek heard round the world when I stood up, I went into the bathroom to brush my teeth.

This is were the story takes an even nastier turn.

Look in the mirror, and I am covered in hives. Lips and eyes swollen, hunched over, I looked a bit like this….


Hey kids! Come give Mommy a big kiss!!!

Quasimoto? I feel your pain brother. My teeth looked a little bit better but not much because apparently I had slept with my mouth open all night as well.

Attractive, right?

This is not the first time the hives have taken over my life. I didn’t take a picture this time, but this is picture of me last year after an attack. Important to note here, this is two hours after getting back from the hospital where the attendant actually yelled, “Oh My Holy Hell!!!!” when I walked in. I took the high road told him to eff off and continued walking at which point, he slapped me down on a gurney before I could die and sue them. Apparently, they take the whole “hives” thing pretty seriously and I was class A scary.

I know, I’m all hot and stuff.

Also? If any of y’all could petition People Magazine to include me in the “Most Beautiful Without Makeup” series, that would be great. No? Hmph.

Seriously…that picture is TWO HOURS after they injected me with some very potent stuff to make the swelling go down. I know that I look like Octomom collagen lips gone wrong, however, I do hope you will notice that even in my Quasimoto state, I had the forethought to put on red lipstick. Never let it be said that Stiletto is not vain.

Here’s the thing. I’m not allergic to anything. No one knows why this happens to me. Last time it lasted for SIX MONTHS. I think it means God is getting even with me for some past transgression but the medical community just does not buy that as a viable excuse. Go figure.

So anyway, there you have it, why I’ve been absent for an entire week. Hopefully, next week I will be a.) non oompa loompa b.) upright and c.) non Quasimoto.

Come back Monday or Tuesday for a very special rant on Dr. Laura.

…and now, I am off to skulk in my tiny corner of the bell tower for the rest of the weekend. Hope you all have a good one!