From the category archives:

Open Letters

We Need To Talk: The Cindy Brady Edition

by Mary Anne on August 31, 2009

Dear Cindy;

Billy Ray Cyrus called. He wants his mullet back.

cindy brady mullet

Yeah, yeah, I know it’s not a full on achey breaky mullet but you are a mere scissor slip away from a full on disaster girlfriend. Also, I know it’s tough getting older. This aging thing is not for the faint of heart. And you had an especially difficult challenge ahead of you.

Anyone who starts off looking like this…

cindy brady cute

…is bound to have a tough time.

But girl, a mullet is just never the answer. EVER.

I will say you fared better than your brother, Bobby.

bobby 2

(Yes, this really is a picture of cute little Bobby Brady taken in 1997. I hope he has bathed since then.)

Since you are on the road shilling your new book, “Love to Love You Brady”, I assume we will be seeing more of you. I can only hope that at some point the Ambush Makeover Team on The Today Show gets a hold of you and tames that beast on your head. It would be so much easier to listen to you reliving the glory days of sex, drugs and *cough cough* rock and roll on the set of “The Brady Bunch Variety Hour” without the distraction.

Just a thought.

Yours,
TSM

PS: For any of you that never got the chance to experience “The Brady Bunch Variety Hour”, I sourced out this little gem for you. (The real dancing starts at the 1:35 mark, or you can zip ahead to the 3:46 when disco fever truly takes over the entire Brady Bunch.) Enjoy it, and don’t blame me when these songs gets stuck in your head for all of eternity.

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…And One More Thing Facebook

by Mary Anne on March 2, 2009

Dear Facebook,

First of all, I’d like to to thank you for stopping that whole Kathie Lee and Hoda Flat Stanley business. It was in your best interest really, hysterical blindness only translates to one thing…less viewers for you.

However.

I now have a new issue to discuss with you. It’s this whole feeling of being open to saying whatever I think the moment I’m thinking it thing that seems to have gotten me into a pickle of late it seems. Your open environment, that feeling of being in a room talking to friends, that feeling that you can say ANYTHING? Well, I’m not sure but I think it may be backfiring on me.

It’s not your fault really, it’s mine. You see, I can’t seem to control myself in my comments which, in and of itself, is not a bad thing. However, I made the decision to add members of Senior Management to my Facebook page and about a week ago, I realized with a shriek that was heard from Texas to Canada that some of the things I have said may have possibly been seen by same said Senior Management of my company.

Oh my.

That time when I said “You are a hot biatch”? Well, that was just uncalled for. Also I think we should revisit all the times I uttered the word, “Yo” which makes me look less than the educated person I am. It is with my head bent in shame that I admit saying, “That’s the shizizzel!!!”….I’m not even sure how to deal with my emotions on that one thinking that perhaps my Senior Management saw me go all hood rat for a moment. Sort of like this….

Embarassing, I tell you, but not your fault. From this point forward, I vow to be more eloquent on Facebook. Or, at the very least learn how to modify my privacy settings so as not share my idiocy with every level of management at my company. They don’t need to know what an ass I really am.

Let’s keep that our little secret, mkay?

Yours,
TSM

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Dear Facebook, Make It Stop…Please

by Mary Anne on February 3, 2009

Dear Facebook;

Here we go again. I know you are sick of hearing from me but once again I really need your help. This one, I fear, may be out of your control as it appears to have turned into some type of national incident.

It has come to my attention that Kathie Lee Gifford and Hoda Kotb have started a friend page on you.

I implore you Facebook, to help in stopping the madness. Based on what I have heard, they talk about it every day and they even have a “Facebook Assistant” because I’m fairly sure they have no idea how to operate your clean and simple interface on their own. Hoda seems cool enough, I think she’s dumbing her business down for Kathie Lee, but that is just the opinion of this particular Facebook addict.

Today, however, brought with it some very disturbing news. A friend called me to let me know that not only were these two prattling on about how many friends they have (42,000?) (REALLY PEOPLE?), they are now starting a Flat Stanley program of sorts. Facebook, I know that being a highly developed social networking platform, you have not had the chance to pro-create, so let me explain this to you. Flat Stanley is a program that many elementary school children do each year. They make a puppet in their likeness out of flat paper and arrange to have it’s picture taken in outrageous places. By outrageous, I mean far reaching and exotic. And by exotic, I do not mean topless bars. (This little comment is for you Daddy Bloggers who follow me…you know who you are.) Our Flat Stanley, for instance, was photographed at an air show in my FIL’s plane that he had built from scratch. Pretty impressive, huh? Wait…where was I?

Oh yes. Kathie Lee and Hoda. So today, my friend informed me that these two are starting their own Flat Stanley program of sorts. They are encouraging people to take a picture of the two of them from their friend page, photograph themselves with it wherever they are and then post it back to the Kathie Lee and Hoda page. A picture like this:

This is where I have to step in and demand you take action. While I have zero interest in becoming friend number 42,001….I do fear going about the business of my day, innocently looking around and seeing this picture assaulting me as crazed fans pose in front of the very few historical landmarks we have here in Dallas. The grassy knoll would be the only place I could deem appropriate. Because this idea? Really needs to die.

So if you can help, Dear Facebook, please let me know….I fear for the sanity, and eyesight, of many if this type of behavior is encouraged. Only you can prevent a national case of hysterical blindness. I trust you will act swiftly in our best interests.

Yours,
TSM

PS: Also, having found out that Cameron was the one stalking me under the pseudonym IRawkUrWurld, I am feeling much better. If you could let this weeks round of Speed Date studs…IAmThatIntoYouAndThenSome, YouBeMyBiatch, ICompleteYou, SearchingForMyMommy and the ever boring Mike27…once again, that I am not on the market, but ohsoveryflattered to have been thought of, that’d be swell. Thanks FB!

PSS: Dear WordPress, you are next on my hit list. What the heck with those spaces I can’t fix? Do you not understand 40-something year old hip hop speak? Sheesh.

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Dear Facebook, Thanks For Clearing That Up

by Mary Anne on January 20, 2009

Dear Facebook;

I’d like to thank you for clearing up something for me that has bothered me for most of my adult life. When I was 12 years old, I was in love with the coolest boy in all of junior high. He knew how to do the hustle like no ones business, he wore the shiny polyester shirts to dances….he even had the coolest hair, sorta shaggy and oh so very cool in the 70s. One fateful day, he gave me his ID bracelet to wear and asked me to go steady with him. I may have mentioned to you before, dear Facebook, that I was perhaps not what one would consider an entirely “fit” pre-teen.

Okay, okay, I was just plain and simple fat.

Ahem.

Anyway, I couldn’t believe he chose me! ME!!!! Of all people!!! He even took me to one school dance where we danced the required meter length apart with ram rod straight arms to FreeBird (let’s not talk about that awkward moment when the tempo picks up) and shook our groove thang to “I’m Your Boogie Man”. I think he even bought me a corsage.

But that could be me building all this up in my mind.

Anyway, our romance was short lived and he broke up with me two weeks into our relationship, topping my previous relationship length of ten days. As you can imagine, dear Facebook, I was pretty torn up about this. I thought once we hit the eleven day mark we were made to be together. Alas it was not to be. He went on to a much thinner girl breaking her heart in almost as many days. And then another, and another….and possibly another. We all lost count quite frankly deeming him a junior high heart breaker.

Years later, in high school, I would forgive him for casting my love aside in 7th grade and years after that I would meet up with him at our 20 year reunion only to drink what may have been one (five) too many and spend the better part of the night swapping stories about people we grew up with. I don’t think I need to tell you, dear Facebook, that the next morning I woke up with a slight major headache and a new found appreciation for a friend I had lost touch with many years ago.

In the years since, I lost touch with him again but always carried the battle scars with me of the unceremonious dumping I took at his hands. Why did he not love me then? What had I done wrong to spurn the love of my life at the age of twelve? (Ok, maybe I thought about it once….when looking through old pictures…but still, you get it, right?)

But then Facebook, you gave me the answers I had been seeking for so long when a few weeks ago he invited me to be his friend. My jaw dropped when I saw his name pop up and I immediately accepted his friend request and shot a note off to him.

    Me: WOW….it is old school week here on Facebook!!! I think I’ve connected with like 10 people in the past week or so! How are you?? I travel to your city at least once a quarter, would love to see you!!! Tell me what all has been going on with you!
    Him: Hey, would be great to see you. I had so much fun with you at the reunion!! It is old school week. This is fun. Let’s see, since reunion, I got divorced, came out of the closet, found the love of my life, lost him, and now a single guy having a blast……..in a nutshell.
    Me: WAIT…you are gay? This is why it didn’t work out for us in seventh grade!!!! And to think, I always thought it was because I was a fat ass back then. :)
    Him: Yep. Had nothing to do with your fat ass. I was busy looking at Bill’s ass. Lol
    Me: Thanks, I just threw up a little in my mouth. :)

Ok, so to be clear…the throwing up in my mouth thing has nothing to do with him being gay….because I am a card carrying supporter of all things gay…it has everything to do with the guy he was looking at because…EWWWWWW…while the dude was admittedly hot in 7th grade, he peaked right about then and is now….SUPER EWWWWWW.

It would seem that mentally, perhaps, PERHAPS….I am still in the 7th grade but we can talk about that another time, okay?

Anyway Facebook, I just wanted to thank you for connecting me with so many old friends that I shared a major portion of my life with and most especially for clearing this little bit up for me so I can, some thirty plus years later, know that it wasn’t my odd shape or my lack of dance moves that lost the junior high hottie…

He just wasn’t that into my gender.

Yours,
TSM

PS: Also, I’m going to need to ask you again to tell all those Speed Date dudes that this Mamma is not on the market. Sorry HotDaddy, SuperMike and most especially IRawkUrWurld, I know you will miss hooking up with the hotness that is middle aged me.

PSS: Anyone leaving a single anti-gay remark will be forever and ever banned by me from my site. I love this guy still…and I always will.

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