IT’S NOT EASY BEING ME

I can’t believe it’s already here…my 100th post! Being the rule breaker I normally am, I am surprised that I wanted to do the whole 100 list. I thought about it a lot and then realized I owe you guys a look into the real deal that is me. You read me, you think you know me, but you don’t really. I give you snarky looks into my thoughts, my kids, my relationship with my husband…but nothing about what makes me tick…the stuff that has happened to me in my life that makes me who I am today. I also realized that I am doing this as much for me as I am just to share with you, I needed to categorize my life into points to examine it from a distance and in doing so, appreciate every moment of it. It’s not all happy, it’s not all good…but some of it gave me such joy and love. It’s truly been a rollercoaster…so here it is…

1. In my life, I have been bone crushing poor, fairly wealthy and now live somewhere in the middle….which is the best and most comfortable place to be. And I am thankful for every step of the way because I learned so much. I have been blessed with a family straight out of a Leave It To Beaver episode and friends that I never dreamed I would be lucky enough to find, let alone keep.
2. I was born in Dallas more years ago than I care to mention
3. My parents were the most happily married people I ever met.
4. I have not one complaint about my up-bringing.
5. My greatest success in life will be if I can be half the Mom my Mother was.
6. I am an only child.
7. In grade school, I was considered obese.
8. Kids used to jump out of their chairs when I sat down like there was an earthquake.
9. I hated most of the kids that did that until my 20th reunion.
10. I have since forgiven because there is so much more to be worried about.
11. In high school I was in Drill Team.
12. I tried out for cheerleader and didn’t make it.
13. I am now thankful for not making cheerleader because it taught me a valuable lesson in life…it won’t always go your way, no matter how much you want it.
14. When I didn’t make cheerleader, my Mother gave me a little present to try and make me feel better.
15. I acted like a total bitch.
16. I wish more than anything I could take that moment back.
17. I was not a total bitch however, to a skinny little popular girl named Lisa, who 27 years later is still one of my best friends and lives only a few streets over….because even if we don’t talk every day, it feels good to be near each other. I love you Weezie.
18. I fell in love for the first time with a boy named John Mark Griffin. John Mark, if you were to by some odd consequence to come across my blog? Thank you for being a gentleman and never asking me to compromise my values…because I probably would have…and to this day, I hope the first love of my daughters life is as respectful as you.
19. I went to college at Stephen F Austin in Nacodoches, Texas.
20. I made a ton of great friends that I didn’t keep up with. I wish I had.
21. I never finished college. I had to come home because my Father was dying.
22. I regret not finishing college.
23. But I don’t regret the reasons why I didn’t.
24. My Dad died in my arms and it haunts me to this day.
25. I never went back to college because I had to take care of my Mother.
26. I will never regret that decision either.
27. After my Dad died and I came home I made some VERY. BAD. DECISIONS. Not a point of my life I am proud of.
28. My Mother fell apart when my dad died and I had to grow up and pick up the tiny little pieces left behind.
29. I don’t regret that part either, although at the time it was….not fun.
30. She never really bounced back even though depressed she was still the funniest person I ever met…and such a good friend.
31. She was my very best friend of all.
32. She introduced me to another best friend…Gretchen…who some 20 odd years later, still makes me laugh every time I talk to her…Gotchy, thank you for being a great friend and a good example to my son…I love you.
33. I, um, shall we say “kissed a lot of frogs” in the 80′s. A LOT. Again, not proud.
34. I dated one guy for four and a half years that was the most verbally abusive human I have ever met. After him I dated a slew of losers that made me doubt my self worth and damaged any hope I had for ever becoming successful.
35. But then I met a guy who changed my life forever.
36. I met my future husband in a bar. He proposed about 300 times before I accepted…and I am not kidding.
37. I am thankful he met my Mom…because she loved him more than any guy I ever brought home before him.
38. She died 6 weeks after we got engaged.
39. I still lived with her because I was picking up the tiny pieces still from my Dad dying and I wasn’t home the night she had a fatal heart attack.
40. I think if I had been home I could have saved her. I will NEVER forgive myself for that night EVER.
41. To this day, I think it’s my fault she died…and I punish myself for it a little bit each day…so many years later.
42. I still cry at least once a week when I think of her, almost 17 years later…that wound will never heal.
43. I still think to this day she was waiting to make sure there was someone in the wings that would love me the way she did. Thank you Mom….he does.
44. The Man and I got engaged six weeks after the first day we kissed…well, that and other stuff.
45. Sometimes you know when right is right and you just go for it.
46. We didn’t tell anyone for six months. SIX MONTHS!!!!!
47. When The Man proposed to me formally so we could tell my Mom, he broke out in hives, even though we had been secretly engaged for six months and I’m pretty sure he knew what the answer was.
48. We couldn’t afford an engagement ring at the time so his Mom gave us a cocktail ring his Dad gave her a long time ago when they were still married.
49. We got married on a ski slope two years later.
50. My entire family was late.
51. His, was not.
52. Thankfully so was the JP (a woman) who married us as well.
53. After we got married, we lived in the house I had grown up in and it fell down around our ears. And by this, I mean the roof was falling in…really.
54. He worked three jobs trying to support us while trying to literally put the roof back on the house by himself before it fell in completely.
55. I worship him for that to this day.
56. We finally bought our first (non falling down) house in Carrolton, Texas. It was great. And we were very proud of it.
57. We had next door neighbors that we would sit in the front yard with and get totally smashed on Halloween…I wish I knew where they are now because they were awesome.
58. We dreamed of starting a family but we couldn’t afford it.
59. And then I got a job at a start up called Yahoo.
60. My job at Yahoo came courtesy of my third best friend Traci….who has had to put up with my craziness perhaps more than all the other BFF crowd. Traci, you are my apex and I don’t have to tell you how much I love you….we say it to each other all the time, not with words but with the bond we share and the bond our children are forming.
61. And I got pregnant.
62. My favorite movie in the entire world is, “It’s a Wonderful Life” so when I found out I was pregnant, I came home and said, “Mr Man Lasoos Stork!” and he almost fell over.
63. I still remember exactly where he was standing when I told him.
64. We moved to a bigger house in Coppell, Texas a few months before Mr. C was born.
65. We had the most awesome neighbors there as well.
66. I went into labor with Mr. C at work and refused to leave.
67. It was a Monday.
68. I got home and started making a lot of noise during Monday Night Football.
69. The Man did not like that.
70. 21 hours later…and only two of those with drugs, Mr. C made his entry into the world…and my whole life changed.
71. I love my son more than life itself.
72. And my job was crazy….i traveled all the time and missed his first steps.
73. And then I got pregnant again and quit when I was six months along and took four years off..
74. We moved to again two weeks before Miss G was born.
75. The house we moved into was designed from the ground up by me….architecture, knobs on cabinets….everything….and it was magnificent.
76. I unpacked the entire house during my nesting phase.
77. And then 9/11 happened. And the world changed.
78. I delivered Miss G three days later on 9/14…but I had gestational diabetes and they took her away for six hours…but when they brought her to me, she looked like the most perfect girl I had ever seen.
79. My heart split in two and I learned as much as you love the first baby, you love the second one just as much.
80. And your husband even more than you already did.
81. After Miss G was past her first year, I went to cooking school.
82. Before that I couldn’t boil an egg.
83. I am now an excellent cook when I choose to be.
84. Miss G started pre-school and Mr. C started elementary school.
85. I joined the PTA.
86. That was a bad decision.
87. After a year of listening to bickering and taking slack from a woman who wore a t-shirt to school that said “Save A Horse, Ride A Cowboy” I actually said “Fuck y’all” and walked the hell out.
88. Best decision I ever made.
89. Love the women there now, I think I just lucked into an extremely dysfunctional year.
90. We moved out of the house I built and into another one because the area we lived in was not exactly kid friendly and we found that the house, as grand as it was, no longer made us happy.
91. Through the process of living in that grand house and then moving out of it and the speculation that went on in our neighborhood, I realized I had a fourth best friend…the fourth horseman actually…in the form of a woman named Korey who made me realize that I could balance my life and a big career because she has been the master of that for many, many years. Korey..my Korean sister…I love you and you know it.
92. I went back to work for CBS Digital.
93. I worked for a guy that I would kill for to this day….Chris Fix? You hear me? You gave me all of my confidence back and for that? I am forever grateful and in your debt. I mean that my friend.
94. A couple of jobs later I am at another company whose name I will not say, but I’m happy.
95. My children are now 10 and 7.
96. Mr. C is the most thoughtful child I have ever met. His heart breaks at the thought of hurting someones feelings and he gives the best snuggles ever.
97. Miss G is a life force unto itself. She is thoughtful as well, but will not think for a minute before shutting you down in the most public manner possible.
98. The apple, it would seem, does not fall far from the tree.
99. And I am still….almost 15 years later, married to The Man.
100. We have had more than our fair share of ups and downs and to this day, I am so thankful for that very fateful day when I met him in a bar and acted every inch not the lady…and he fell in love with me anyway.

So to all of those that read me, first of all….THANK YOU. You have made my day as I have gotten to know all of you. My life is forever changed for having the pleasure of getting to know you, in real life or just in cyber space…I am so very thankful for each and every one of you.

And to each and every member of my family and friends, whether mentioned or not, I am the luckiest girl in the world for having the support system around me that I do…I love you all!

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