The Silence Of The Bunnies

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File this under stuff that is totally not in my job description as a Mom.

Tonight, Miss G and I were hanging out on the back porch doing the stuff we love to do. For me, this means sitting with my computer, for her it means spending time on the swings showing me all of her exciting new tricks. You can imagine my shock when suddenly I heard her screaming at the top of her lungs. I totally freaked out and raced around the corner to make sure she hadn’t broken something or fallen on her head which thankfully she had not.

What I did see stopped me dead in my tracks. Our 38 pound pug, Mr. Potter, had decided to mirror another character from a movie and go totally Hannibal Lecter on a teensy bunny in our back yard. By teensy I mean all of four inches long with big floppy ears and by moment of death I mean 15 minutes of prolonged cruelty that resulted in something that may take years of therapy to erase from my precious daughter’s head. It was so unreal that at one point I fully expected him to start talking and tell me he enjoyed the bunny with a nice chianti and some fava beans because it was just that gruesome.

It bears noting that this of course happened when The Man was not here because that is just the way it had to go down.

It also bears noting that this particular dog only moves approximately 1.5 times per day because he is not only amazingly fat, but lazy as well. This is a dog that appears to be too scared of the bigger bunnies that actually eat all of our landscaping to do anything. I’m not sure, but it seems they actually taunt him and I am not kidding when I tell you it would not shock me to see one of them crawl up on his back while he dozes in the back yard and start jumping up and down in an effort to see if he will actually move. Give him a smaller, slower moving bunny, however, and apparently it is game on.

We tried everything to make it stop. Miss G threw rocks at him while sobbing uncontrollably, I went after him with a broom yelling at the top of my lungs, “OH MY GOD….THERE’S SO MUCH BLOOD!!!!” I can only imagine what on earth my neighbors thought. If you think for one moment I was going to swoop in and pick up that lump of lard mid bite, you’ve got another think coming.

Also, did you know bunnies can scream?

They can. Really loud too.

Finally, I realized I could not stop this bunny murdering pug in his thirst for blood letting in our back yard, grabbed a screaming and crying Miss G and ran inside and locked the door and then made the unfortunate choice of trying to serve her ravioli for dinner which incidentally, did not go over well for either of us after what we had just seen because as a mother, I am just that awesome and thoughtful.

After the flashback subsided from the unfortunate ravioli incident, I managed to bathe her and get her to bed….in our room of course. The dog was finally allowed back inside and he is now laying on the floor, resting from his big kill, looking like this:

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Is it just me, or does his stomach look just a little bit larger tonight?

Rest in peace bunny friend….

Greetings From Quasimoto

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Oh hello Internets! I know, I’ve been missing this week. I’ve got good reasons, really.

The surgery went swimmingly. I pretty much slept for four days straight and then tried to go back to work on Monday. Tried…and FAILED. I fell asleep sitting up in my chair and threw in the towel. Apparently, I am not cut out for any type of prescription drug abuse because I quit taking the damn things Saturday and was still hung over from them on Monday.

My life as a hard core pharm party girl? Not so much.

Got back to work on Tuesday. Busted my butt to get caught up. Did not leave my chair or my house for a few reasons. First of all, I still had a slighty oompa loompa appearance going on….all roundish and short…and could not fit in my clothes. Secondly, well…I don’t know what the second reason is other than I am horrifically vain and you are just never gonna see me looking that bad.

Finally Wednesday, I had gone back to my normal size and was able to put on a pair of jeans to go out to lunch. Bad move. I spent an hour on my feet and when I got home ohmygodthepain. So back I went to the oompa loompa wardrobe until the next day when I went to the doctor for my post op follow up.

Get to the doctor, tell him proudly I was able to get into my jeans well in advance of the one week he said it would take and he was all, “ARE YOU CRAZY?” Apparently, I was not supposed to do that and my uterus (now known as the uterFUSS) did not like it one tiny little bit. I was told in no uncertain terms that jeans and high heels (gasp) were not to be a part of m wardrobe for yet another week. Okay, I can deal with that…sort of.

So my uterFUSS and I went back home and resumed the oompa loompa wardrobe and the endless sitting around, not being able to go on calls, not willing to go out in public. You would think that would be the end of it.

But no.

Now, I just have NO IDEA how this happened but sometime Thursday, I threw my back out. How this happened in my almost catatonic state is truly one of the great medical mysteries in life. This has never happened to me and I even had a bone scan at the doctors office the day before where they told my how strong my spine was. (Like I didn’t know that already. Pfft.) All I know is I woke up Friday morning with my back so cramped I could not get out of bed. I was stuck like a turtle who gets turned over on it’s shell and The Man had to hoist me out of bed. After I calmed the children down from the shriek heard round the world when I stood up, I went into the bathroom to brush my teeth.

This is were the story takes an even nastier turn.

Look in the mirror, and I am covered in hives. Lips and eyes swollen, hunched over, I looked a bit like this….


Hey kids! Come give Mommy a big kiss!!!

Quasimoto? I feel your pain brother. My teeth looked a little bit better but not much because apparently I had slept with my mouth open all night as well.

Attractive, right?

This is not the first time the hives have taken over my life. I didn’t take a picture this time, but this is picture of me last year after an attack. Important to note here, this is two hours after getting back from the hospital where the attendant actually yelled, “Oh My Holy Hell!!!!” when I walked in. I took the high road told him to eff off and continued walking at which point, he slapped me down on a gurney before I could die and sue them. Apparently, they take the whole “hives” thing pretty seriously and I was class A scary.

I know, I’m all hot and stuff.

Also? If any of y’all could petition People Magazine to include me in the “Most Beautiful Without Makeup” series, that would be great. No? Hmph.

Seriously…that picture is TWO HOURS after they injected me with some very potent stuff to make the swelling go down. I know that I look like Octomom collagen lips gone wrong, however, I do hope you will notice that even in my Quasimoto state, I had the forethought to put on red lipstick. Never let it be said that Stiletto is not vain.

Here’s the thing. I’m not allergic to anything. No one knows why this happens to me. Last time it lasted for SIX MONTHS. I think it means God is getting even with me for some past transgression but the medical community just does not buy that as a viable excuse. Go figure.

So anyway, there you have it, why I’ve been absent for an entire week. Hopefully, next week I will be a.) non oompa loompa b.) upright and c.) non Quasimoto.

Come back Monday or Tuesday for a very special rant on Dr. Laura.

…and now, I am off to skulk in my tiny corner of the bell tower for the rest of the weekend. Hope you all have a good one!

And Then I Met Jen…

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Have I told you how much I love Jen Lancaster? Have I? If not, let me recap. I bought “Bitter Is The New Black” the day it came out. It was a fluke, because I had never heard of her at that point. But still. Seredipity I tell you.

I had already signed up for Blissdom when I heard she was coming which makes me slightly less of a stalker…but not really. Leading up to the event, I re-read Bitter is the New Black and Bright Lights, Big Ass in TWO DAYS. I should also tell you that this came on the heels of me devouring all four Twilight books in the course of one month. The Man thought he was finally going to be able to have a conversation with me again. That is, until he saw me with my Jen Lancaster books and immediately said, “Oh God, not HER again!”. Yep….she was back with vengence in our lives.

Also, you should know that I sent her an email in advance of Blissdom. Having never sent fan mail before, I felt like a total ass but felt it was only fair to warn her that I might perhaps be a bit, JUST A TINY BIT of a full time resident of Jennsylvania and her number one fan. (Not number one fan like Stephen King’s Misery, more like I’d like to kidnap her and force her to go for mannies and peddies and then come back home, bake brownies, braid each others hair and watch American Idol….just to be clear.)

I had private coaching sessions with myself in the weeks leading up to Blissdom where I repeatedly lectured myself to maintain control. “You are not going to freak out. You are not going to make an ass of yourself. You are not going to GUSH ALL OVER HER.

Really?

OH YES I WAS.

I saw Jen the first night at the cocktail party, walked up, introduced myself and she said “Oh, you’re The Stiletto Mom? I asked someone else if they were you earlier today.”

WHAT???

Control flew out the door and I proceeded to vomit tiny pink hearts and daisies at her feet.

OhMyGod…YouWon’tBelieveThisButIReReadTheFirstTwoBooksBecause
IHadToGetInTouchWithMyInnerJenBeforeICameThereAndOMGTheyWereStill
EveryBitAsGoodMyHusbandIsAboutToKillMeBecauseITotallyStoppedTalking
ToHimDidYouLikeTwighlight?AnywayIJustWantedToIntroduceMyself
BecauseIJustLoveAllOfYourBooksAndYouAreTheEntireReasonIHaveABlog…

Deep Breath…and…

DO YOU MIND IF I HUG YOU???

Ahem.

Thankfully, she is probably one of the Nicest. People. Ever. because not only did she allow me to vault myself at her and give her a hug, she continued to talk to me for several minutes after. Seriously people? She could have been standoffish given that little stalky moment I threw out but she made me feel like I had known her forever. When someone else walked up to her she was nice enough to say “Come find me tomorrow, we’ll finish talking.”

Wait. That sounded like an invitation.

So, of course I found her. I asked for a picture with her first thing in the morning.

In the afternoon, I sat through her panel on book deals and then her keynote address which was nothing short of awesome. She listed some tenents she lives by, they were all great but my favorite by far was “Learn to embrace your failures.” Not only is this my favorite because I totally agree, but also because she is living proof that if you take the time to really examine what happened and how you played a roll in it, not only do you learn from it but you can change the course of your life by building on that knowledge. I have many failures I can wrap my arms around so I figure I’ve got a really good start on this one and plan to put it in action quickly.

No, really, I’m being serious. I am the proud owner of a truckload of FAIL, I’m hoping I may be on to something here.

After listening to her speech, I ran out to the table where they were selling books for her to autograph. Sure, this marks the fourth time I’ve bought Bitter is the New Black (twice while I was reading it because I lost one, one before leaving Dallas for her to autograph that I left behind and now this) but who’s counting? I waited in a very long line and when I finally made it up to the front, I told her that really my stalking would not be complete if I didn’t have the chance to wait in line and buy her book for the fourth time. I am serious about my stalking and I think she appreciated it because look how she signed my book…

Wait. Was that another invitation? Probably not. But why let a silly thing like a possible restraining order stop me from entertaining myself the rest of the conference? Pfft.

Later that night, after the belching incident with my tiny friend, White Trash Mom, she and I joined a table in the restaurant where Poppy Buxom, Domestic Chicky, Vintage Squirrel and of course, Jen Lancaster, were sitting. (pretty sure she knew she wasn’t gonna get away from me at this point…) I cannot even begin to tell you how much fun it was…total silliness, lots of giggling and for me, perhaps one drink too many. When it was time to call it a night (which they chose to call it a night…I chose to continue my stupidity with Tara from Ligit Amy at OutDoorDogs and Michelle from Vintage Squirrel who also chose to soldier on…) I had to start the whole unfortunate hugging thing again. What can I say, I’m a lovah. I’m not sure, BUT, I think I stepped on Jen’s toes or maybe it was Poppy Buxom…either way, probably not my proudest moment. Way to leave a mark, and by mark, I mean a possible bruise.

So there you have it, the story of how I met someone I’ve been dying to meet for several years and made a bigger fool of myself than the time I met Tom Cruise.

Yes, really.

Good thing she told us all about that “Embracing your failures” thing….looks like I’ve got something to bear hug after this conference!

Dear Facebook, Thanks For Clearing That Up

Dear Facebook;

I’d like to thank you for clearing up something for me that has bothered me for most of my adult life. When I was 12 years old, I was in love with the coolest boy in all of junior high. He knew how to do the hustle like no ones business, he wore the shiny polyester shirts to dances….he even had the coolest hair, sorta shaggy and oh so very cool in the 70s. One fateful day, he gave me his ID bracelet to wear and asked me to go steady with him. I may have mentioned to you before, dear Facebook, that I was perhaps not what one would consider an entirely “fit” pre-teen.

Okay, okay, I was just plain and simple fat.

Ahem.

Anyway, I couldn’t believe he chose me! ME!!!! Of all people!!! He even took me to one school dance where we danced the required meter length apart with ram rod straight arms to FreeBird (let’s not talk about that awkward moment when the tempo picks up) and shook our groove thang to “I’m Your Boogie Man”. I think he even bought me a corsage.

But that could be me building all this up in my mind.

Anyway, our romance was short lived and he broke up with me two weeks into our relationship, topping my previous relationship length of ten days. As you can imagine, dear Facebook, I was pretty torn up about this. I thought once we hit the eleven day mark we were made to be together. Alas it was not to be. He went on to a much thinner girl breaking her heart in almost as many days. And then another, and another….and possibly another. We all lost count quite frankly deeming him a junior high heart breaker.

Years later, in high school, I would forgive him for casting my love aside in 7th grade and years after that I would meet up with him at our 20 year reunion only to drink what may have been one (five) too many and spend the better part of the night swapping stories about people we grew up with. I don’t think I need to tell you, dear Facebook, that the next morning I woke up with a slight major headache and a new found appreciation for a friend I had lost touch with many years ago.

In the years since, I lost touch with him again but always carried the battle scars with me of the unceremonious dumping I took at his hands. Why did he not love me then? What had I done wrong to spurn the love of my life at the age of twelve? (Ok, maybe I thought about it once….when looking through old pictures…but still, you get it, right?)

But then Facebook, you gave me the answers I had been seeking for so long when a few weeks ago he invited me to be his friend. My jaw dropped when I saw his name pop up and I immediately accepted his friend request and shot a note off to him.

    Me: WOW….it is old school week here on Facebook!!! I think I’ve connected with like 10 people in the past week or so! How are you?? I travel to your city at least once a quarter, would love to see you!!! Tell me what all has been going on with you!
    Him: Hey, would be great to see you. I had so much fun with you at the reunion!! It is old school week. This is fun. Let’s see, since reunion, I got divorced, came out of the closet, found the love of my life, lost him, and now a single guy having a blast……..in a nutshell.
    Me: WAIT…you are gay? This is why it didn’t work out for us in seventh grade!!!! And to think, I always thought it was because I was a fat ass back then. :)
    Him: Yep. Had nothing to do with your fat ass. I was busy looking at Bill’s ass. Lol
    Me: Thanks, I just threw up a little in my mouth. :)

Ok, so to be clear…the throwing up in my mouth thing has nothing to do with him being gay….because I am a card carrying supporter of all things gay…it has everything to do with the guy he was looking at because…EWWWWWW…while the dude was admittedly hot in 7th grade, he peaked right about then and is now….SUPER EWWWWWW.

It would seem that mentally, perhaps, PERHAPS….I am still in the 7th grade but we can talk about that another time, okay?

Anyway Facebook, I just wanted to thank you for connecting me with so many old friends that I shared a major portion of my life with and most especially for clearing this little bit up for me so I can, some thirty plus years later, know that it wasn’t my odd shape or my lack of dance moves that lost the junior high hottie…

He just wasn’t that into my gender.

Yours,
TSM

PS: Also, I’m going to need to ask you again to tell all those Speed Date dudes that this Mamma is not on the market. Sorry HotDaddy, SuperMike and most especially IRawkUrWurld, I know you will miss hooking up with the hotness that is middle aged me.

PSS: Anyone leaving a single anti-gay remark will be forever and ever banned by me from my site. I love this guy still…and I always will.

More Than You Ever Wanted To Know…My 100th Post

I can’t believe it’s already here…my 100th post! Being the rule breaker I normally am, I am surprised that I wanted to do the whole 100 list. I thought about it a lot and then realized I owe you guys a look into the real deal that is me. You read me, you think you know me, but you don’t really. I give you snarky looks into my thoughts, my kids, my relationship with my husband…but nothing about what makes me tick…the stuff that has happened to me in my life that makes me who I am today. I also realized that I am doing this as much for me as I am just to share with you, I needed to categorize my life into points to examine it from a distance and in doing so, appreciate every moment of it. It’s not all happy, it’s not all good…but some of it gave me such joy and love. It’s truly been a rollercoaster…so here it is…

  1. In my life, I have been bone crushing poor, fairly wealthy and now live somewhere in the middle….which is the best and most comfortable place to be. And I am thankful for every step of the way because I learned so much. I have been blessed with a family straight out of a Leave It To Beaver episode and friends that I never dreamed I would be lucky enough to find, let alone keep.
  2. I was born in Dallas more years ago than I care to mention
  3. My parents were the most happily married people I ever met.
  4. I have not one complaint about my up-bringing.
  5. My greatest success in life will be if I can be half the Mom my Mother was.
  6. I am an only child.
  7. In grade school, I was considered obese.
  8. Kids used to jump out of their chairs when I sat down like there was an earthquake.
  9. I hated most of the kids that did that until my 20th reunion.
  10. I have since forgiven because there is so much more to be worried about.
  11. In high school I was in Drill Team.
  12. I tried out for cheerleader and didn’t make it.
  13. I am now thankful for not making cheerleader because it taught me a valuable lesson in life…it won’t always go your way, no matter how much you want it.
  14. When I didn’t make cheerleader, my Mother gave me a little present to try and make me feel better.
  15. I acted like a total bitch.
  16. I wish more than anything I could take that moment back.
  17. I was not a total bitch however, to a skinny little popular girl named Lisa, who 27 years later is still one of my best friends and lives only a few streets over….because even if we don’t talk every day, it feels good to be near each other. I love you Weezie.
  18. I fell in love for the first time with a boy named John Mark Griffin. John Mark, if you were to by some odd consequence to come across my blog? Thank you for being a gentleman and never asking me to compromise my values…because I probably would have…and to this day, I hope the first love of my daughters life is as respectful as you.
  19. I went to college at Stephen F Austin in Nacodoches, Texas.
  20. I made a ton of great friends that I didn’t keep up with. I wish I had.
  21. I never finished college. I had to come home because my Father was dying.
  22. I regret not finishing college.
  23. But I don’t regret the reasons why I didn’t.
  24. My Dad died in my arms and it haunts me to this day.
  25. I never went back to college because I had to take care of my Mother.
  26. I will never regret that decision either.
  27. After my Dad died and I came home I made some VERY. BAD. DECISIONS. Not a point of my life I am proud of.
  28. My Mother fell apart when my dad died and I had to grow up and pick up the tiny little pieces left behind.
  29. I don’t regret that part either, although at the time it was….not fun.
  30. She never really bounced back even though depressed she was still the funniest person I ever met…and such a good friend.
  31. She was my very best friend of all.
  32. She introduced me to another best friend…Gretchen…who some 20 odd years later, still makes me laugh every time I talk to her…Gotchy, thank you for being a great friend and a good example to my son…I love you.
  33. I, um, shall we say “kissed a lot of frogs” in the 80′s. A LOT. Again, not proud.
  34. I dated one guy for four and a half years that was the most verbally abusive human I have ever met. After him I dated a slew of losers that made me doubt my self worth and damaged any hope I had for ever becoming successful.
  35. But then I met a guy who changed my life forever.
  36. I met my future husband in a bar. He proposed about 300 times before I accepted…and I am not kidding.
  37. I am thankful he met my Mom…because she loved him more than any guy I ever brought home before him.
  38. She died 6 weeks after we got engaged.
  39. I still lived with her because I was picking up the tiny pieces still from my Dad dying and I wasn’t home the night she had a fatal heart attack.
  40. I think if I had been home I could have saved her. I will NEVER forgive myself for that night EVER.
  41. To this day, I think it’s my fault she died…and I punish myself for it a little bit each day…so many years later.
  42. I still cry at least once a week when I think of her, almost 17 years later…that wound will never heal.
  43. I still think to this day she was waiting to make sure there was someone in the wings that would love me the way she did. Thank you Mom….he does.
  44. The Man and I got engaged six weeks after the first day we kissed…well, that and other stuff.
  45. Sometimes you know when right is right and you just go for it.
  46. We didn’t tell anyone for six months. SIX MONTHS!!!!!
  47. When The Man proposed to me formally so we could tell my Mom, he broke out in hives, even though we had been secretly engaged for six months and I’m pretty sure he knew what the answer was.
  48. We couldn’t afford an engagement ring at the time so his Mom gave us a cocktail ring his Dad gave her a long time ago when they were still married.
  49. We got married on a ski slope two years later.
  50. My entire family was late.
  51. His, was not.
  52. Thankfully so was the JP (a woman) who married us as well.
  53. After we got married, we lived in the house I had grown up in and it fell down around our ears. And by this, I mean the roof was falling in…really.
  54. He worked three jobs trying to support us while trying to literally put the roof back on the house by himself before it fell in completely.
  55. I worship him for that to this day.
  56. We finally bought our first (non falling down) house in Carrolton, Texas. It was great. And we were very proud of it.
  57. We had next door neighbors that we would sit in the front yard with and get totally smashed on Halloween…I wish I knew where they are now because they were awesome.
  58. We dreamed of starting a family but we couldn’t afford it.
  59. And then I got a job at a start up called Yahoo.
  60. My job at Yahoo came courtesy of my third best friend Traci….who has had to put up with my craziness perhaps more than all the other BFF crowd. Traci, you are my apex and I don’t have to tell you how much I love you….we say it to each other all the time, not with words but with the bond we share and the bond our children are forming.
  61. And I got pregnant.
  62. My favorite movie in the entire world is, “It’s a Wonderful Life” so when I found out I was pregnant, I came home and said, “Mr Man Lasoos Stork!” and he almost fell over.
  63. I still remember exactly where he was standing when I told him.
  64. We moved to a bigger house in Coppell, Texas a few months before Mr. C was born.
  65. We had the most awesome neighbors there as well.
  66. I went into labor with Mr. C at work and refused to leave.
  67. It was a Monday.
  68. I got home and started making a lot of noise during Monday Night Football.
  69. The Man did not like that.
  70. 21 hours later…and only two of those with drugs, Mr. C made his entry into the world…and my whole life changed.
  71. I love my son more than life itself.
  72. And my job was crazy….i traveled all the time and missed his first steps.
  73. And then I got pregnant again and quit when I was six months along and took four years off..
  74. We moved to again two weeks before Miss G was born.
  75. The house we moved into was designed from the ground up by me….architecture, knobs on cabinets….everything….and it was magnificent.
  76. I unpacked the entire house during my nesting phase.
  77. And then 9/11 happened. And the world changed.
  78. I delivered Miss G three days later on 9/14…but I had gestational diabetes and they took her away for six hours…but when they brought her to me, she looked like the most perfect girl I had ever seen.
  79. My heart split in two and I learned as much as you love the first baby, you love the second one just as much.
  80. And your husband even more than you already did.
  81. After Miss G was past her first year, I went to cooking school.
  82. Before that I couldn’t boil an egg.
  83. I am now an excellent cook when I choose to be.
  84. Miss G started pre-school and Mr. C started elementary school.
  85. I joined the PTA.
  86. That was a bad decision.
  87. After a year of listening to bickering and taking slack from a woman who wore a t-shirt to school that said “Save A Horse, Ride A Cowboy” I actually said “Fuck y’all” and walked the hell out.
  88. Best decision I ever made.
  89. Love the women there now, I think I just lucked into an extremely dysfunctional year.
  90. We moved out of the house I built and into another one because the area we lived in was not exactly kid friendly and we found that the house, as grand as it was, no longer made us happy.
  91. Through the process of living in that grand house and then moving out of it and the speculation that went on in our neighborhood, I realized I had a fourth best friend…the fourth horseman actually…in the form of a woman named Korey who made me realize that I could balance my life and a big career because she has been the master of that for many, many years. Korey..my Korean sister…I love you and you know it.
  92. I went back to work for CBS Digital.
  93. I worked for a guy that I would kill for to this day….Chris Fix? You hear me? You gave me all of my confidence back and for that? I am forever grateful and in your debt. I mean that my friend.
  94. A couple of jobs later I am at another company whose name I will not say, but I’m happy.
  95. My children are now 10 and 7.
  96. Mr. C is the most thoughtful child I have ever met. His heart breaks at the thought of hurting someones feelings and he gives the best snuggles ever.
  97. Miss G is a life force unto itself. She is thoughtful as well, but will not think for a minute before shutting you down in the most public manner possible.
  98. The apple, it would seem, does not fall far from the tree.
  99. And I am still….almost 15 years later, married to The Man.
  100. We have had more than our fair share of ups and downs and to this day, I am so thankful for that very fateful day when I met him in a bar and acted every inch not the lady…and he fell in love with me anyway.

So to all of those that read me, first of all….THANK YOU. You have made my day as I have gotten to know all of you. My life is forever changed for having the pleasure of getting to know you, in real life or just in cyber space…I am so very thankful for each and every one of you.

And to each and every member of my family and friends, whether mentioned or not, I am the luckiest girl in the world for having the support system around me that I do…I love you all!

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