Eyes Wide Shut

by Mary Anne on July 5, 2011

Just when I thought I had nothing to blog about the universe has once again thrown me a fun little curve ball to share with y’all.

A few days ago, I managed to get my eyes glued shut.

No, really…Totally.  Glued.  Shut.   How did I find myself in such a predicament you ask?   It all comes down to one simple character flaw.


Let’s back track a bit shall we?   So we know I’m vain…in all honesty, I don’t think that was every in question was it?   (Don’t answer that.)    As part of the vanity issue I suffer from, I get my eyelashes done once every three to four weeks.    For those of you that are scratching your heads saying, “But Stiletto, what do you mean???” let me explain.    There is this semi new wonderous process for those of us that were not born with naturally lush and long eyelashes wherein individual lashes are applied to your existing stubby ones and secured with medical glue so that they remain in place for several weeks.

This is where it went sideways for me people.

My normal girl is out of town and quite frankly, my eyelids were bald.    I couldn’t live like that for another week so I took to the Google machine to find someone to hook me up in her absence.   Found a salon which had great reviews and an opening and we were off to the races.

I showed up for my appointment and was led into a peaceful room with spa like music much like my neighbor plays for his koi fish. I settled in and promptly went to sleep for my hour long appointment.   At some point later, and here is where it gets real people, I woke up due to some, um, natural body functions shall we say.   It would appear that the bean burrito I had for lunch had come back to haunt me…and my so called lash therapist.

Anyway, I tooted myself awake and realized my throat was seriously dry which either meant I had been snoring (I don’t…unless you ask my husband and he lies) or I had been there a long time.    It was at this point I also realized that my “therapist” was seriously freaking out and muttering to herself in a language I didn’t understand which basically means everything but English and Spanish.    She was alternating between picking at my lashes with some tiny tweezers and hitting them with a tiny blow drier.   (Yes, they even have tiny blow driers for this process…)

I let this go on for several minutes before asking, “Um, is there some type of problem I need to be aware of?”

This?  Is the point where having someone who speaks English administering glue to your eyelids is important.   Live and learn people, live and learn.

Two hours into the appointment, and :45 minutes after I realized I might actually have a real issue on my hands she miraculously freed my eyelids and said, “See?  Not so bad, huh?” Other than having thoughts of how on earth I was ever going to explain this to my husband, let alone the emergency room personnel I was fairly sure I was going to meet in my immediate future, no…not so bad.    They did look good after all.

Upon leaving, I received a hug which while startling to me, seemed necessary to her given our journey together.   After our awkward embrace she looked me in my now open eyes and said,  “So, I see you in two weeks?”

Not if I see you first, honey….no way in hell.

Insightfully yours,



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{ 17 comments… read them below or add one }

1 All Fooked Up July 5, 2011 at 7:58 pm

Hahahaha…seriously? I can’t believe you so that shit!

Oh…sorry. I’m sure that was traumatic
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2 Dana Stapleton Parker July 5, 2011 at 8:10 pm

Allow me to say….wa ha ha ha! {I could tell you some serious stories about having my lip waxed}.
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3 Pamela Dearest July 5, 2011 at 8:56 pm


4 Saucy July 5, 2011 at 9:28 pm

Stiletto Mom, I have been pondering getting these “lash enhancements” that you have… thank you for the heads-up. Or the lids-up. You know what I mean.

Otherwise, you think they’re worth it? Every three weeks you say?
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5 Sprite's Keeper July 6, 2011 at 5:21 am


6 Janie July 6, 2011 at 8:54 pm

I want to do those eyelash extensions! So, post a pix, I wanna see evidence!
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7 the mayor July 6, 2011 at 9:43 pm

Ah ha, now I see where your glamorous eyelashes come from.

My daughter had eyelashes put of at her local salon for $35 for a party. The glue bothered her eyes but it looked nice. A few weeks later they started to fall off, and took her own eyelashes with them to the point she looked ridiculous.

A couple 6 months and several thousand dollars latter at the most expert lash salons in Chicago, her own eyelashes have pretty much grown in and filled out.
the mayor recently posted..Until Reality BitesMy Profile

8 Stephen B July 7, 2011 at 7:49 am

Hilarious Mary Anne….as always. Gave me a good laugh this morning.

9 Krystal July 7, 2011 at 9:22 am

WOW!! Um, I am so glad I have the lashes I do because with how vain I am about other things, I don’t think I can suffer this much!! And you look mahvelous dahling simply mahvelous!!
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10 Captain Dumbass July 7, 2011 at 1:24 pm

Well that settles it, I’m never having that done.
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11 Bobbi July 8, 2011 at 2:22 pm

Holy lord, that WOULD happen to you!

A friend of mine told me a similar story not long ago but her’s involved fake fingernail glue and she had to go to the ER to have her eye opened up.

12 Ms Sharealot July 9, 2011 at 9:53 am

A HA HA! Sorry, that’s out of my system now.. Snicker. Whoops, sorry, all done. So very brave of you to share! Hee hee! LOVED it!
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13 Jessica July 9, 2011 at 10:14 am

I may seriously have nightmares about this!
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14 Chrisor (ynotkissme) July 10, 2011 at 3:22 pm

You have so many wild experiences and stories to tell. I love that everything is blog fodder! That being said, I would have seriously freaked out in that situation. That just makes me even more leary of who you can trust to do certain things to you. You know what I mean. ;-) Glad it all turned out ok for you.
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15 Gotchy July 11, 2011 at 6:29 am

Sounds like something that would only happen to me!

16 Beth July 11, 2011 at 8:35 am

I have had this procedure done twice and probably never again. The most hilarious time, though, is about 2 weeks into it when all the fake lashes get messed up while you’re sleeping! Good times ahead, I promise…
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17 vodkamom July 11, 2011 at 5:37 pm

Oh sweet LORD in heaven.

More importantly, thanks for the GREAT new tip!!!

(And you are gorgeous. Eyelashes or no.)
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