by Mary Anne on June 21, 2011

Meet Kyle.

Kyle is a bonsai tree.   Most bonsai trees don’t have names.   Also, it’s very rare for a bonsai tree to be held hostage but this is my family we are talking about and bizarre is the new normal this summer.

The day of this story started much like any other.  The children arose from bed, came downstairs and within  five minutes started hurling insults at each other.    This, of course, was a day when I didn’t have childcare and had about eleventy million things to do at work so I busted out my best parenting moves, screamed at them to stop it immediately and locked myself in my office.

You know what?  It worked!  For an entire 22 minutes!

And then I heard the blood curdling scream coming from my son….  “She’s got Kyle!!!   And she’s locked herself in your bedroom!!!”

See, this?  Is something no one tells you about being a parent.   That one child can actually sense which item if forcibly removed from their sibling will cause the most emotional distress.   (And honestly, a bonsai tree?   I don’t even understand why we have a bonsai tree, let alone one with a name, or how she figured out how much my son cares about it’s well being…)   But it worked and he was madder than hell.   We followed the gruesome trail of leaves she had plucked from her hostage on the way to the hide out.  I knocked on the door and told her to come out right away and to bring Kyle with her before someone got hurt.

No answer…but we did hear running water which freaked Mr. C out even more as he had just watered Kyle and since Kyle is a bonsai and all delicate and what not, too much watering could actually drown him.     At which point the entire thing would escalate an intentional tree murder and to be honest, I’m not sure what the penalty for that is because once again how on earth could I have ever seen this entire thing coming?

That’s when the home phone rang.   Mr. C and I both looked at it and the number that came up was his cell phone.    Miss G was actually calling to negotiate the terms of Kyle’s release using her brothers phone.   That?  Takes balls people.   Cue the screaming,  “Are you serious G????  You’ve got Kyle and my iPhone???  I’m going to kill you!!!” As he went to grab the phone to answer I snatched it away from him took a deep breath and said,

“Son, we don’t negotiate with terrorists.   Not even for one of our own.”

After a very tense :30 minutes or so of various threats that would effectively put an end to any fun for her during what is now called “The Summer of Terror”, Kyle was returned with only a few small bald spots to show for his ordeal.    At least if this advertising thing doesn’t work out for me, I have a career as a hostage negotiator to fall back on.

The good news is that I happily ejected them from the car on Sunday for a week at summer camp and all is quiet here.   The Man and I plan on going on dates every night this week, catching up on movies and seeing friends.     Hope wherever you are you are having a wonderful week!





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1 Gigi June 21, 2011 at 3:29 pm

Nope, you are NEVER told before you have kids that one of the skills you will need is hostage-negotiating…..

How funny! Enjoy your child-free week! If you get to missing the kids, I’ll send you mine!
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2 Michele June 21, 2011 at 5:02 pm

I am so sorry but I laughed my head off. I knew I loved Miss G. That girl has brass cahones. She’s going to go far, I tell you.

Have a wonderful week sans kids. Please do all those things I wouldn’t do. No! Really! Do them then tell me all about it. Remember…married 28 years here.
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3 Bobbi June 21, 2011 at 7:23 pm

You’ve got mad skills yo, that’s where little miss G gets it from!
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4 Cassandra June 22, 2011 at 5:21 am

Uh, I’m gonna need the name of that camp! Do you remember the lady who put her adopted kid on a plane back to Russia?? I’m almost at that point, but the problem is that I popped these two little monsters out, and there’s no place to send them “back” to! They’re not old enough to lock outside for the day like my mom did to us, so I’m stuck with ‘em!

Funny post!

5 Janie June 24, 2011 at 12:20 am

Summer camp? FUN.

Did Kyle get to go?
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6 the mayor June 24, 2011 at 3:52 pm

Perhaps you didn’t cry this year when you dropped them at camp? I think its an alien conspiracy. All of our spawn must have been implanted with a device to enable them to turn us all into blithering idiots to prepare Earth for takeover.
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