Kyle is a bonsai tree. Most bonsai trees don’t have names. Also, it’s very rare for a bonsai tree to be held hostage but this is my family we are talking about and bizarre is the new normal this summer.
The day of this story started much like any other. The children arose from bed, came downstairs and within five minutes started hurling insults at each other. This, of course, was a day when I didn’t have childcare and had about eleventy million things to do at work so I busted out my best parenting moves, screamed at them to stop it immediately and locked myself in my office.
You know what? It worked! For an entire 22 minutes!
And then I heard the blood curdling scream coming from my son…. “She’s got Kyle!!! And she’s locked herself in your bedroom!!!”
See, this? Is something no one tells you about being a parent. That one child can actually sense which item if forcibly removed from their sibling will cause the most emotional distress. (And honestly, a bonsai tree? I don’t even understand why we have a bonsai tree, let alone one with a name, or how she figured out how much my son cares about it’s well being…) But it worked and he was madder than hell. We followed the gruesome trail of leaves she had plucked from her hostage on the way to the hide out. I knocked on the door and told her to come out right away and to bring Kyle with her before someone got hurt.
No answer…but we did hear running water which freaked Mr. C out even more as he had just watered Kyle and since Kyle is a bonsai and all delicate and what not, too much watering could actually drown him. At which point the entire thing would escalate an intentional tree murder and to be honest, I’m not sure what the penalty for that is because once again how on earth could I have ever seen this entire thing coming?
That’s when the home phone rang. Mr. C and I both looked at it and the number that came up was his cell phone. Miss G was actually calling to negotiate the terms of Kyle’s release using her brothers phone. That? Takes balls people. Cue the screaming, “Are you serious G???? You’ve got Kyle and my iPhone??? I’m going to kill you!!!” As he went to grab the phone to answer I snatched it away from him took a deep breath and said,
“Son, we don’t negotiate with terrorists. Not even for one of our own.”
After a very tense :30 minutes or so of various threats that would effectively put an end to any fun for her during what is now called “The Summer of Terror”, Kyle was returned with only a few small bald spots to show for his ordeal. At least if this advertising thing doesn’t work out for me, I have a career as a hostage negotiator to fall back on.
The good news is that I happily ejected them from the car on Sunday for a week at summer camp and all is quiet here. The Man and I plan on going on dates every night this week, catching up on movies and seeing friends. Hope wherever you are you are having a wonderful week!