Dear Children…Welcome To Boot Camp

by Mary Anne on June 5, 2011

To my two sweet dear children:

It is the end of day two of summer break and I’d like you both to know that while I love you very much, it’s possible that the three of us may not survive this little vacation of sorts.   (Vacation for you guys….triple work load for me…see the difference?)    I’d like to point out that I am the larger of all of us and far more skilled in survival, so the odds of me being the one left standing are fairly high.

But I love you both, very much in fact, so much so that I am willing to teach you how to survive with one very overworked Mom and still have a lot of fun.  My requests are simple, my rules are clear…and with that my dear sweet babies, I’d like to introduce you to Boot Camp Stiletto Style.

Below you will find a set of rules that I am not willing to  bend on.  Should you choose to obey them, you will be rewarded with pool time, friends and lots of melty surgary sweets to get you through the summer of 2011.     Should you choose to ignore them?   Well you will still have fun but I will be found muttering in a corner somewhere, likely with a stout drink in hand.

Let’s get on with the rules, shall we?

TOWEL ETIQUETTE:

A towel may be used more than once.   In fact, over the course of one day, it may be used several times.   The fact that it touched the ground is not my problem.   No it is yours, dear children, and you will become very familiar with the fine art of towel laundering and also, the meticulous manner in which I expect them to be folded and placed back into cabinets.

SPONTANEOUS SONG CHOICES:

I know how much fun it is to make up your own songs.   I remember it as one of my fondest memories of my youth.  Changing words to make it funny?    I live for that.  Also doing your own little interpretive dance?   YES!!!!  Bring. It. On.   But I’m pretty sure Pat Benetar wouldn’t like you changing the title of her breakout single to “Hit Me With Your Best Fart” at the top of your lungs in my back yard.   Also?   Neither did my neighbors.

FIGHTING = ME SCREAMING AT BOTH OF YOU:

As an only child, I do not understand your need to scream at each other at the top of your lungs.   I grew up in a quiet house, very little yelling and certainly never coming from me as I was extremely outsized.   You two?  Deserve a spot in a ring in Vegas with the matches you have launched in the past two days.   I will tell you once, and I’ll tell you a million times….I did not have the two of you for my own personal Rocky experience.   Keep your hands, and your mouths, to yourself.

WE PAID GOOD MONEY FOR THAT TRASH COMPACTOR, USE IT:

That thing I throw the trash in that smashes it up?   You can use it too.   Your constant tossing about of juice boxes, cheese wrappers, apple cores and whatnot is surely going to be the end of me…or you.   I cannot clean fast enough in your wake and you are killing me. Should you choose to ignore this, I am going to die in spite of you and as an eternal reminder my tombstone will be shaped either in the likeness of a Capri Sun container or a cheese stick.   I’m still deciding.  Either way, know that it is my final wish that you feel guilty…because I’m Catholic and that is how we roll.

I could spend some time talking about your shoes, but honestly, I am emotionally wrought from the little bit I’ve written and I must go to bed where I would like to remain until August.

I love you both and I will sincerely miss you when they cart me off to the funny farm next week.

XOXO

Mom

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{ 15 comments }

1 All Fooked Up June 5, 2011 at 8:10 pm

Hahaha…good luck with all that!!! I’m way past it but the towel thing is SOOOOO TRUE!!!
All Fooked Up recently posted..In which i’m so damn stupid i surprise myselfMy Profile

2 Casey June 5, 2011 at 8:31 pm

Day ONE of summer break begins tomorrow if you don’t count surviving the weekend. I like the way you roll, I may be looking to you for inspiration. We’ve got plenty of play dates and swimming planned but still, I think I will be spent by Tuesday.
Casey recently posted..Saying YesMy Profile

3 Gigi June 6, 2011 at 2:36 am

it’s gonna be a loooong summer if it’s only day two and you are already throwing the words “boot camp” around!
Gigi recently posted..I should probably write a post so you wont think Ive fallen off the face of the earthsighMy Profile

4 Michele June 6, 2011 at 4:39 am

I say make them get a job. Ha!
Michele recently posted..Low-carb vegetarian diet does not mean no-food dietMy Profile

5 unmitigated me June 6, 2011 at 5:38 am

Soon, the “I’m Bored Chorus” will be performed. Time to get that chore list ready!
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6 erica mueller June 6, 2011 at 6:55 am

I must start by saying I love you. You have such an amazing way of putting every mothers feelings into words that not only make her say YES! What she said! But leave us lauthing at the same time!

Also, can this apply to husbands, and the messes they leave in the car? Seriously. Feel like I am constantly cleaning out the trash so I can drive without it falling under my feet, or so I will have a space to put a cup of my own should I decided to treat myself to a drink while I’m errand running.

7 Krystal June 6, 2011 at 10:43 am

I bow down to you!
Krystal recently posted..OMG! OMG! OMG! Its almost here!!!My Profile

8 Sissy June 6, 2011 at 11:34 am

As Mr C’s & Miss G’s virtual representative, we would like to revisit the rule regarding word changes for iconic songs. They are merely testing out both their comedic and there song writing skills. A double dip in the arts if you will. “Hit Me with Your Best Fart” is simple yet quite brilliant. If the neighbors didn’t appreciate the classic stylings of Mr. C & Miss. G then maybe there’s clearly something wrong with them, not the fabulous duo. The rest of the rules seem fine, for now…

Oh and I agree with Erica. I have a car and Cody has a car. The key word is car, not to somehow be confused with trashcan. Do what you wish with your own car, but please remove all trash when exiting mine.

9 Bobbi June 6, 2011 at 4:25 pm

Good luck, may the force be wth you, etc. Whatever helps get you through the summer!
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10 Irish Gumbo June 6, 2011 at 5:08 pm

You make me laugh. Thank you.

And remember, age and guile will always beat youth and innocence. Heh.
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11 pamela dayton time June 6, 2011 at 9:56 pm

I can handle the screaming.
I just want a maid.
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12 Antione Sjolander June 10, 2011 at 12:47 pm

bulky account you hog

13 teach your children June 10, 2011 at 11:39 pm

We’ve got plenty of play dates and swimming planned but still, I think I will be spent by Friday
teach your children recently posted..Encourage children’s kindnessMy Profile

14 Jaz June 14, 2011 at 8:00 pm

Hit Me With Your Best Fart is brilliant. I think that could really be a hit on the next KidzBop cd.

15 the mayor June 15, 2011 at 10:11 pm

Laundry, will be my undoing. They don’t seem to believe they can use their hair towel and body towel several times if they hang them up.

I definitely need and evil genius plan for this.
the mayor recently posted..Sasstown’s Stuck On Sally’sMy Profile

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