Bitchmas…What A Let Down

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Rarely can I count on what mood I will be in on any given day.    The three days after Thanksgiving, known around these parts as Bitchmas is really the only time of year the people in this house know what they are in for at the start of  each day.

This year I thought might outperform myself during Bitchmas given my sort of Bah-Humbug attitude about the holidays this year.    I got up, ready to go at it Friday and decided I needed a better attitude in which to simultaneously create Christmas magic in my house while  ruining the fun of  it for everyone else.  Because that?  Is how Stiletto rolls during Bitchmas.

Saturday came along and I rolled up my sleeves.   Right as the children were starting to look scared and The Man ran outside mumbling something about doing the lights, my cousin Sissy called and asked if she could take both children to the movies.    Hmmm. Well, it would make things easier I thought…but then again, who would I speak unkindly to whilst spreading the joy of the holidays around the house?   I gave in and off they went.

I did, however, get lucky later in the day at the grocery store with them.   I was picking up some little artisan cheeses to take over to my friend Debbie’s house for drinks and they started acting like…..well, children.    At which point I grabbed them both by the arms (hard to do with Mr. C btw as he was in his Heelies) and promptly informed them both I would be more than happy to make a trip over to the frozen food section and leave them in the vegetable area where they would have nothing to do but shiver and eat broccoli until someone found them.    That seemed to work though honestly I’m not sure if it was the cold or the thought of icky green vegetables that forced them to acquiesce.

As we arose on Sunday, a new gloom spread throughout the house.  Would I or wouldn’t I go bonkers on them?    The answer is I would not because my sweet friend Lauren chose to save Miss G from her own demise by inviting her over for a 5 hour playdate.    Left to his own devices, Mr. C can be extremely helpful and with no one to argue with he’s fairly easy to boss around and the day went swimmingly.

The only mishap occured as I was setting up the Nativity Scene.   It’s always the last thing I do, mainly because it’s easy but also because one year, Baby Jesus disappeared during the set up.    He was gone for a full day before he was found in someone’s room that has an extraordinary amount of pink in it.    Under the bed.    Ahem.

So like I said, it was all going swimmingly.    Mr. C was outside watching The Man put up lights and making sure he didn’t kill himself in the process.     Think I’m kidding?   Look at how steep that roof is….

Also, I would like you all to note, he does not have a tiny pin head, he is just that far up…which sort of caused me to faint and throw up in my mouth all at once.   OY.

While Mr. C was busy protecting a man who is 33 years his senior from death by Christmas Lights, I was humming to myself, so happy to have managed to avoid a scene this year.   That’s when it happened.   Baby Jesus seemingly lept from my fingers on to the tile floor and he bounced, bounced, bounced and while a bouncing baby is normally a delight, this time I was screaming, “Oh sweet Jesus!!!  NOOOO!!!!!” until he finally found his final resting spot on the area rug.    It wouldn’t be a big deal normally, I mean any bigger of a deal than breaking Baby Jesus would be on any given day, but my mother in law gave me that set years ago and I don’t think I can find a replacement for the little dude.

Good news is, he landed in one piece and all is well in the House of Manger.

Lauren even offered to let me come over and drink wine while soaking in her hot tub which normally I would have jumped on but I immediately texted back, “I’d love to but you need to come here.   Someone needs to see this fucking tree.”

Ahhhhh….the spirit of Christmas is indeed alive and well in The House of Stiletto…and the tree turned out pretty good as well.

The rest of the house looks great, but I kind of do the same thing every year so if you REALLY want to know how awesome it looks, click HERE for some good pictures from Christmases past.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go swim in a bottle of wine and celebrate my accomplishment and the fact that my children won’t need to enter emotional counseling after this weekend….

The Suite Life

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Light posting this week because I know so many of you are traveling and getting ready for the big day!     I’ve been slammed myself with work.    Care to listen to me complain?

Saturday I was forced to go to dinner with New Boss and New Bosses Boss at a super expensive restaurant.   On Sunday, I had to load 24 of  my favorite clients onto a bus and take them to a suite at Cowboy Stadium.  The things I do for this job. I did have to get up at 6:00 am to mix Bloody Mary’s for the party bus so you should feel at least a little bit sorry for me.  Or not.

Probably not.

These pictures may or may not help in my quest for your sympathy.   Again, I’m going to say probably not:

Let’s start with New Boss and New Bosses Boss…

New Boss is the guy on the right, and New Bosses Boss is the very large man on the left.   Let’s just call him Big Boss from now on to save keystrokes, mmmkay?   New Boss is sporting a ‘stache to raise funds men’s health in Movember.     Normally he does not look so much like Pedro from Napoleon Dynamite.    Side note:  I might have just lost my job with that one…

This is the view from the suite…sweet!   Can you believe that jumbo tron?    It’s seven stories tall and has two elevators to service it.    It’s amazing….even more amazing, the Cowboys won again!   Whooo Hooo!

Here’s another view….look at those smiles…happy clients!   They NEVER look this way when they get mad at me (not that they ever do…) and the next time it happens (which will be never), I plan to promptly produce this photo.  And then run.

More happy clients, same story as above…in the event of disaster, present picture, turn and run…

But then there is THIS CLIENT:

I know, she’s adorable and she looks innocent enough.  But that koozie she is holding?    Is for one of my direct competitors.    Her excuse is that it was a subtle reminder that my company needed to produce koozies as well.   Pfft.

But I love her no matter what.  At least until the next time she shows up with a competitors logo at one of my events.  Then I may have to review our relationship.  Or not.

Speaking of clients I love….this guy. We’ve worked together since 1997 and after I took four years off to be a stay at home mom, no one wanted to talk to me.    He placed a few well thought out phone calls and low and behold, I had a job again in about four weeks.   You’d be lucky in your life to have a friend or client like him.

As with any event, there had to be snafu’s.   We were all quietly (not really) watching the game when a very short man came running in yelling “The Cheerleaders are coming!  THE CHEERLEADERS ARE COMING!!!!“    At which point, I was all, “Whoa, little man!  I did not authorize this charge!!!”  because with all things Cowboys, nothing is free.     Yet in they marched, three of them, pom pom’s in air and the suite went into a frenzy.    Most of all New Boss and my Account Manager (whom we should all call Guy Who Saves My Life On A Daily Basis).    Look at how happy these guys are!

I know, it’s a little fuzzy, I’m still getting used to my new phone but you can clearly see how happy they are…and how much I did not plan to stand next to those cheerleaders.   I don’t need that kind of humiliation people.

After a moment of thought, I realized that I had not authorized this, someone with much more authority had.  Enter my sweet friend Robin, whom you all read about a while ago.    She happens to be Vice President of Sales and Marketing for the Cowboys and while some friends send flowers?    My best friend sends cheerleaders.    I love her so much.

So there you have it, how difficult my job is some days.    Anyone whoever hears me bitch about it should immediately refer me back to this post.

On a serious note, I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving, filled with family, too much fun and hopefully not too many family fights!

Hugs to you all!

Truths For Mature Humans

1.  I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

3 I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger

4 There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5 How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6 Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9 I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection…again.

13. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any  changes to.

14. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

17. I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

22. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

24. The first testicular guard, the “Cup,” was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.  That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

***This list was sent to me by my friend John the other day and I just had to share.  It’s sort of a gift that keeps on giving, a good laugh plus a pre-written blog post!   My favorites are 2, 4 and 24.    Which do you  like best or do you have one that needs to be added?   Happy weekend everyone!

Simple Math

Simple math

Since I seem to have attracted the ire of a few people with my previous posts, let’s try this time to stick to something simple…or not so simple.

Third grade math.

Simple right?  You add, you subtract, you multiply and finally you divide.   At least that’s the way it worked back in the dark ages when I was a third grader in Catholic school.    Basically back then the nuns would drill it into your head military style and if you managed to mess it up?   Well that’s when Sister Mary Severity would smack your knuckles with a ruler because that’s how it went down in the 70′s.

Now apparently there is reasoning involved.    And you have to prove how you got to the answer as well.   All this sounds good to me, except…I have no idea what in the world Miss G is talking about when she does her work.

Take this morning for example.   We got up a little early to finish some word problems.   I helped her to understand which words meant plus, minus and so on.   I would then tell her if her answer was right or wrong.    Turns out being wrong is easier because when she was right, she then needed to prove it.

Fair enough.

So I told her to do her proving and she expected me to help her, which, if you caught my drift earlier….though I am an educated career woman, I just have no idea how to do.    So Miss G huffed and she puffed and she blew my mental house down when she presented me with this:

And that is when my eyes crossed and I fainted dead away.    Is it a space ship?      Is it an atom?   A chubby stick person?  I do not know. All I know is this is how they roll these days and I can’t do it the way her beloved teacher  (and the entire school district) does it.   I was reminded repeatedly that “This is not how Miss R does it MOM.” along with a few eye rolls and foot stomps to make the entire humiliation complete.

It would appear that I suck as a third grader.

The good news is, we got her out the door for her big testing today and she got the best score she has gotten all year.

I got a personal call from her teacher tonight telling me how proud she was of my little G, this was her best test score so far this year.   She even got a personal congratulations from the Vice Principal, a big day indeed for my sweetheart.

So I guess the bottom line is this….while I don’t understand it, Miss G does.   And while I can’t explain it, her wonderful teacher can.

I wonder if I can hire her to tutor me?

I Have A New Job Y’all!

Air Band

And here’s the best part…I didn’t even know I applied!    I still have the old job with New Boss, you know, the one that actually pays the bills.    This is a second job of sorts and it really keeps me on my toes because I never know when I’ll be called on to perform.

And the guy I report into?   BRUTAL.


It’s none other than Mr. C, who for the remainder of this post shall be called “The Manager”.

Here’s the thing.   Most kids are a little timid when it comes to entering Junior High.   Not The Manager.    He has jumped into it with both feet putting his name down for everything.    It all started with the “Air Band Incident” at the beginning of the year and it’s just gotten worse since then as he has not only morphed into volunteer of the year, he has also decided to launch his theatrical and film production careers simultaneously.    Let me just give you a few of the recent incidents in which The Manager made me jump through hoops to do his bidding.

One Month Ago: On the heels of his breakout performance of “The Devil Went Down To Georgia” he announced that he absolutely needed to be at his best friends house (30 minutes away) that weekend to complete some footage for their upcoming installment of “I Am Chuddy” to be filmed and edited in one night.    I do not know what a Chuddy is, nor do I want to, but I am told the filming occurred over several square blocks of the friends neighborhood and required editing into the middle of the night.    This film also requires cameo shots of other kids, none of whom live near the filming site.   I am charged with locating said friends and transfering files once filming is complete.

A Few Weeks Ago: The Manager decides to enter “Reflections” which is a district wide program where kids create multi media submissions around a common theme.   The Manager decided to enter a, wait for it….film…on bullying and since we don’t have an Apple computer, the best friend (still 30 minutes away) was contacted and retained for editing services.    The Manager comes home the next day, discovers numerous typos and immediately tells me to get best friends Mom on the phone so she can fix it STAT and deliver it to us.    At the risk of losing this job, I laughed in The Managers face.

A Few Days After That: The Manager raises his tone to a fever pitch to get this film completed.   He cannot be expected to turn in an inferior production.   I am deployed to call the mom, ask her to fix the typos and then ask the dad to please send them over to me via FTP file sharing.   There are no words to express how happy I am that these people are two of my very best friends who undertand the stress my boss is putting on me.

A Few Days After That: Report cards come home.   (Insert sound of doom music here…) Well, look at that…someone has not been turning in their homework.   Inform Senior Management (aka The Managers Dad) and have emergency meeting with HR department (the cat and dog) to strategize how he can complete his work and respect his employee’s (that would be me) time better.

Sunday: The Manager is informed that he needed to submit three DVD copies of his movie, not one, to be considered.   Senior Management is called in and crashes not one, but two computer systems trying to burn a DVD while The Manager paces nervously in the background.

Monday: The Manager informs me he has a friend coming over to play video games with him.   Inform him playdate can only last :30 mintues.    Am overruled, playdate ends 1:30 later.

Today: At 7:15 am, The Manager informs me that he will not be taking public transportation to school.   He needs to go in early to do extra credit to bring up that abysmal math score.   I am still bleary eyed and in pajamas, Senior Management is dispatched for transportation.

Noon: The Manager calls me and informs me that to do that extra credit he needs to complete in Science, I will need to stop what I am doing immediately (my job) and bring a video camera to him at school.   He stresses the time of delivery several times to me to make sure I understand what my task is.   Tries to hang up without saying “Thank You”, fails.    Upon arriving at the school, the receptionist exclaims that she is glad to see me, I haven’t been there in at least three days with something The Manager forgot.    Also informs me The Manger has been in twice already to see if I have done his bidding.

I’m telling you, this guy is a tyrant.    He’s cute but this is too much.

Does anyone know where I can send my resignation letter????

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