August 2010

Okay everyone listen up….I am going to apologize right now for what I am about to do to your eyes with the most horribly written email ever that I have copied below.    To give you a little back story, this was sent to the husband of one of my best friends.    Understandably,  my friend is very upset by this as her husband is truly one of the nicest and most well intentioned people you will ever meet.   Also, he is a giant.    No really, he’s like 6’5″ or something.    Sadly, she made the mistake of asking me to help compose a response.  ::snort::  So without further adieu, allow  me to share with you how the combination of  bad grammar and stereotypical fanaticism over Texas football are never a good idea.  (Names have been changed to protect the asshole innocent.)

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Coach David.  My Name is Tom Tulcote  (Devin’s Father) and I never thought I would ever be sending a message like this to a coach.  I have coached Devin’s soccer teams for the last 4 years and have been very excited to get him in tackle football.   Every day over the past two years after school I have had him go to the school track and run 4 laps before walking home.    He is the fastest runner on your team.    I have watched several practices including last night and I can no longer bite my tongue over what I am seeing out there.  The only kids I see you coaching out there is your own and the other coaches out there seem to be coaching the rest of them.  Not once did you walk away from your own son to see what the other kids at the other stations were doing.  You have my son playing Tackle(really).  He can run faster than anyone out there including Seth who is not even old enough to be on the team. Devin practiced hard yesterday and like always was on time.  Seth  didn’t even get there till scrimmage time and you pulled Devin out to let Seth  go in.  Devin  EARNED the right to get to play last night  and you made him sit out twice.  He wants JUST A CHANCE to get to work in the backfield but you seem to have already filed those spots and there back ups.  You had the smallest two kids on our team playing guards during scrimmage and were facing kids on the other team twice their size.   That is why we were getting creamed at the line of scrimmage.  On one play one of them got the crap knocked out of him but you didn’t see it because you were as usual coaching your own son. You didn’t even try to help them when they were getting creamed by the defensive line, but your son and a couple of the others that you blatantly seem to only have time for where getting plenty of advice.  You told the kids to be ready to jump in at any position but you are only giving your favorites the chance to show what they can do.  I hoped all the kids would get a chance at all positions but that has not AT ALL been the case.  This has become the David and Carson Vander  show instead of  the Falcons 8 year olds.  If your son and UNDERAGED Seth (how did he even get on the team?  He is only 7) are getting better, It’s because they are the only ones getting a chance and getting some instructions.

I have never seen any dad show favor to their own son as much as I have seen you do.   You have not even shared the plays to any of the kids other than your favorites.  How are they going to learn or get a chance?   If you want to discuss this with me, I can be reached @ 555-363-8000 anytime.  If not I will forward this to the Commissioner  in hopes that  he will listen.

Tom Tulcote

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Okay, so you get the picture right?   This guy is full of THE CRAZY.   The team is  three practices in…”David” is still trying to figure out the team and they haven’t played a single game yet.    It drove me crazy because “David”  is one of my very favorite people and is amazing with kids.    He’s like a gentle giant,  encouraging and amazingly wonderful with kids.   Having known him for 15 years, there is no way he is discriminating against anyone’s kids…let alone in favor of his own.

Also, this business of “my kid is the BEST so deal with it”  makes me nuts.   It’s  a team sport, learn to take turns and give everyone a chance to grow.  It sure as hell isn’t the Superbowl just yet.

After taking a stab at writing something serious which he could actually use, I decided that we needed to inject some humor into this situation STAT.       For your reading pleasure (and also with paragraphs and punctuation!):

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Tom;

Thank you for your email which has caused me to go blind from your apparent inability to separate sentences into paragraphs.    Additionally, I’d like to compliment you on your spelling (it’s “filled” not “filed”,  etc etc) AS WELL AS YOUR OVER USE OF THE CAPS LOCK KEY.

I am so glad that someone has finally seen through my evil plan to achieve world domination by coaching small boys in football.    I choose to work only with the smallest  as well as my son because they are the ones who I can scare the most and fear is an important part of building an army of short, heavily padded minions to do my bidding.   The fact that your son Devin can run faster than ANYONE only means one thing….I have to run faster than I care to in order to hunt him down, force him supplicate himself and surrender to the David and Carson Vander show.  Quite frankly Tom,  I’m too busy staring in the mirror at my own glorious reflection or extolling the virtues of my obviously perfect son to undertake such an endeavor.

My best advice to you is to come over here and kiss my ass, given my height vs. yours, I doubt you’d even have to bend over.

Best,

David

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Sadly, I think he sent a far more politically correct version in response.  But tell me, do you think I got the point across?

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I’ll bet you think I’m about to tell you some sad story here about how I sent my oldest off to middle school yesterday or how I hated to see my daughter get on the bus to head off to third grade.

I’m not.

Maybe you think I’ll tell you that in the silence of my house, I felt raw and stinging emotions at the thought that my children are growing up far too fast.

Nope.

If I were to add on to this that The Man has a contract job for the next several weeks and will also be out of the house, you might think that I’d share with you how much I would miss seeing him during the day and how his very presence gives me comfort.

HA!

I’m sorry but if you thought that you should just stop reading my blog right now because  obviously you don’t know me at all.   The only thing I was thinking yesterday morning was  “Hell to the yes….ALONE AT LAST!!!!”

I thought getting back into the routine would be tough when the alarm went off at 6:00 am.    Instead, I sprung to my feet, shook The Man a little (okay…a lot) and reminded him he needed to get up and get the hell out.

The children received a similar treatment.  Rather than waking them with a gentle kiss and a pat on the head, I stirred them to life  by turning the lights on suddenly and reminding them that they needed to eat breakfast, brush their teeth, and get dressed all within :30 minutes so they could also  get the hell out.

Both went off safely on the bus.    Miss G in her sassy new outfit, clinging to me until she saw her friends at which point I was promptly and uncerimoniously dumped.     And then there was  Mr. C who waved good-bye at the front door because I am no longer allowed anywhere near the bus…or his friends.

::sigh::

Around 9:30 The Man had not left yet and I began giving him the side eye.    At 9:45, I resorted to growling.   Somewhere around 10:00, he took the hint and I managed to divest myself of him as well at which point the celebrations really began.

Did I sun myself out by the pool?   No.    Did I go for a martini lunch with girlfriends?   Uh uh.    What I did was so much  more exciting, you ready for it?

I turned all the TV’s off,  caught up from my staycation last week at work and….wait for it….DID LAUNDRY. Yes, my friends, I am just that exciting.    Nothing makes me happier than a fresh towel out of the dryer that I get to fold.    Some people would take a quick walk to the water cooler or chat with co-workers to break up the day.    Unless I want to have a conversation with a fat pug or an angsty cat, I don’t really have anyone to talk to on days when I don’t have appointments.   Instead, I get my jollies in the form of a warm towel that if folded JUST SO will appear uniform with all the other towels even if it’s a different size.

Don’t even try to compete, the awesome I dish out around here is beyond reproach.

The day was amazingly quiet and productive, and I’m seriously excited about the month ahead and the blissful peace that I will be enjoying while I work, not to mention my neatly folded towels.

Honestly, it takes so little to amuse me.

PS:  I realize this would have been a better post if I actually had first day pictures to share with you but I can’t find the little card thingy that goes in the camera.  I suspect it is buried somewhere in my neatly folded towels but I’m not going to disturb them, I’ll just let it be a little suprise when it falls out one morning.   Again…I am so easily amused.

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First of all, thanks to everyone who weighed in on that all important shoe decision earlier this week.    I know I can count on you people to help out in crisis situations such as foot wear.

I’m on “staycation” this week meaning I’ve taken most of the week off in order to “spend quality time” with my children.

Stop laughing.

Yesterdays outing involved going to a water park, getting burnt to a crisp, and forgetting to “hold my butt up” on one of the slides which left my backside as bruised and beat up looking as Tila Tequillas face after being mobbed by a fanatical group of  Juggalos.  For real.

That last sentence may or may not have sounded wrong…onward…

The fighting started almost immediately and continued the entire ride to the water park.    The really good news is they like totally separate rides so for the most part, we were able to keep Mr. C and Miss G far enough away from each other that the park authorities didn’t need to get involved.    And then there was this…

You call it a mushroom, I call it the “Cone of Silence” because it was the only time their arguing couldn’t be heard due to the splashing water.   I am seriously considering purchasing one of these for my home.

Today, we are off to The Science Place to allow our children to spread their particular type of uncontrolled mayhem in a place designed to be “fun and educational for the entire family”.    You say I’m going into this with the wrong attitude?    I say  I know this to be a fact based not only on previous performance but from the looks on their faces when they got up this morning.

Wish me luck.    And if you don’t hear from me for a while, chances are you’ll hear about it on the evening news eventually.

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A week or so ago, I was on a search and destroy mission at the mall and had Mr. C in tow.   I promised him in no uncertain terms that we would run into the store, buy the powder I needed and exit immediately without so much as a longing glance at the shoe department.     Seriously though, it would take a pair of blinder and nose plugs for me not to gravitate there so OF COURSE I had to at least glance as we whizzed by.

And then I spotted them.   The sassiest, trendiest, most unlike anything I would ever buy shoes.   Even better, they are BCBG’s which aren’t too pricey.   I stood in awe for about :30 seconds before Mr. C gave his most effective “Ahem!!!” and I had to rush off…but not before promising to return to them this weekend.

As promised, I returned this weekend to claim my shoes….and now?   Well, I’m not so sure we are “sole mates” if you know what I mean.     Here, take a look:

The family can’t seem to agree on them.   The minute I took them out of the box, The Man proclaimed them “clunky” and when I explained to him that was the trend this season, he was all, “Never thought I’d see the day when the Gene Simmons look from his KISS days was trendy…”.  

Pfft.

I immediately went for re-inforcements and teetered back to my bedroom where Miss G was watching TV.      I solicited her opinion and she immediately declared them “the most beautiful shoes she has ever seen…“.   Which was great, right up until I remembered a few minutes later that it was only last year she still wanted more than anything to dress like a Bratz doll and change her name to Chloe.    I started to ask Mr. C but received a stern warning look from him as I approached, he is just not going to have a shoe conversation with me at this point (or any other) in his life.

So here I am, left to decide.    Sometimes I find making a list is the best way to solve the dilemna:

Positives:

• They are reasonably priced.
• Believe it or not, they are actually comfortable.
• I am as tall as my husband when I wear them (a very big plus for shorties like me).
• They look great with skinny jeans.
• Speaking of tall and skinny, the additional six inches really takes a few pounds off visually!   Woot woot for the tall girls!

Negatives:

• They are really tall and if I fall off them, which honestly is guaranteed, an orthopedic surgeon may be involved.
• I’m not sure I’m going to be able to shake the mental image of this:

I’m completely and utterly torn and if I’m going to return them, I need to do so within the next few days so I’m leaving it up to you…..weigh in and let me know your thoughts.  Love ‘Em?   Or Leave ‘Em?

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