I’ve realized lately that this little blog of mine is pretty much an introspective, navel gazing experiment. I tell you what I think, I tell you what I feel. But do I really look deep inside me? DO I? The answer is no. And this week I realized there is only one way to do that.
X-RAY.
A few weeks ago, I realized that due to tremendous amounts of time spent on work and this blog, along with a craptastic insurance policy from my former employer, I had really gotten out of touch with what was going on in my body. So in one fell swoop, I decided to change all that.
Monday started with a mammogram. Hadn’t gotten the girls squished in a while, and it was time. I went to the local hospital where I was greeted by Helga (I’m not kidding) the Mean Mammographer. She looked a bit like this:
So Helga, who I assume was German based on her accent, and I got down to business without any sort of foreplay:
Helga: Ve vill put your breassst into zis area.
TSM: Okay Helga, you know better than me, but I think it’s gonna look like a crepe in a minute.
Helga: **unamused and grabs TSM breast shoving it into crepe machine**
TSM: Wow, Helga…you are getting more action with the sisters than The Man has in the past week!
Helga: **Begins to stretch TSM breast out like play-doh.**
TSM: Um, wow, that sort of hurts.
Helga: **begins crepe compression of TSM breast**
TSM: Dude, seriously, you might need to buy me a drink at this point…
Helga: Now I vill finish by clamping ze machine down a little bit farzer so ve can get full image of ze breasssst.
TSM: OWIE OWIE OWIE OWWWW!!!!!!!
Helga: Zis is goot. Now ve vill do it eight more times. Don’t breathe.
TSM: **faints with crepe like breast still attached to crepe making machine**
When it was all over, I felt good about myself and I gave my girls a little hug each. It wasn’t really that bad and every single one of you ladies out there should get down to business and go see Helga because after all, she’s looking out for your breast interests. I’m serious. DO IT. You will love Helga after, even if she doesn’t buy you a drink.
But that wasn’t enough for me. Oh No. Today I had a dental appointment scheduled. Once again, I’ve been neglectful of my gums and my teeth due to hectic work schedule and aforementioned craptastic insurance. So off I went.
I get a little freaked out at the dentist, maybe even more so than by the mammographer. But this? Was different. I booked my appointment at a “Dental Spa”. Surrounded by soothing music as I made my entrance and a man who said, “Hello Mrs. TSM!!!”, I was immediately comforted. I met my hygenist, a lovely woman named Lori, who spoke to me in soft tones as she examined my mouth. She murmured a little. “Mmmm.” “Mmmm-hmmm.” All the while portraying an outer calm not seen since Mother Teresa. Then? She dropped the bomb.
“Yeah, you’re going to need a Root Planing”
Okay, for those of you not familiar with this little process? It hurts. A lot. Usually. However, at this Dental Spa, they used some magical numbing solution that didn’t require needles and used some type of high powered water (plus the nasty scrapey thing later, but at that point I just didn’t care due to aforementioned soothing music) and I emerged with sparkling teeth and somewhat healthy gums hours later. Also, my breath is now minty fresh in case you wanted to kiss me.
Looking forward to the next day, I realized I had scheduled my annual OB/GYN appointment.
…and I postponed it, because I? Have had enough for one week. I’ll deal with that end next week when I’m fully recovered from Helga and the Root Planing experiment of 2010.
Trust me though, I won’t be sharing notes from that little odyssey. I have at least a little bit of class.
Stop laughing.
Right now….
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There’s a new machine at our Breast Care Center. They call it Diva, I call it Clampy. I think they should ship it off to the Pentagon and employ the Clampy Diva to those enemy combatants they need information from. 5 minutes with Clampy and they’d be crying for their mamas.
.-= the mayor´s last blog ..Where’s My Moving Mojo? =-.
As my mother said; only a man would invent something square to fit a round object.
All kidding aside, Ladies please go get a mammogram and in between mammograms feel yourself up. It’s the right thing to do.
.-= Michele´s last blog ..Rtt – Paintings and such =-.
Helga, root planning, nasal gazing experiment, it all sounds too much. Nasal gazing? I hadn’t noticed that was what you had been doing.
.-= Mo “Mad Dog” Stoneskin´s last blog ..I’ve never seen a badger move so fast =-.
With all the Helga’s in the world, I don’t know how dentists wound up with the bad reputation.
.-= The Dental Maven´s last blog ..Flyers Ian Laperrierre Finally Says "Uncle" =-.
I’m going next month. But I hate the thought of all that x-ray action on me. I wonder if I can talk them into an ultrasound instead. Last time I went they did one afterwards “just to be sure” .
.-= Michele Renee´s last blog ..The Pink Full Moon in April is on Wednesday =-.
I’m not sure how navel gazing acquired negative connotations; it’s a meditative technique
Is there any reason they can’t sedate you before the examination?
.-= anonymouseducator´s last blog ..Twins =-.
Call me when you schedule your colonoscopy.
.-= The Mother´s last blog ..The Mother’s Guide to College Accommodations =-.
I’m after John to finally put through an appointment for Sprite for her teeth. I do not want a kid with swamp breath.
.-= Sprite’s Keeper´s last blog ..So it turns out that sharing is NOT a two way street… =-.
So I have been a lurking blog reader, without commenting. But I have to tell you that I was thinking about your blog when I bought new shoes, wore them to a conference in Vegas, and could not walk due to horrible blisters and pain due to my stiletto’s…How the F do you do it?
Root Planing??? Never heard of it. Having my girls creped and rolled in mid-May.
.-= MommyLisa´s last blog ..WW – Working from home in the wildlife refuge =-.
That ob/gyn appointment for a pap is like getting ready for a really great date, but you never end up getting dinner beforehand.
Also? Root planing? I’ve also never heard of it before reading this, and I hope reading about it here is the only time I do!
.-= foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog)´s last blog ..these are my confessions… =-.
sounds like a fun time for all
i hate dentists, but the mammogram ? scared me.
although root planing sounded rather horrid as well…
.-= justsomethoughts´s last blog ..hiatus explained =-.
I’ve been doing some person maintenance myself. Subjected myself to 4.5 hours of allergy testing, had a root canal redone and then the right side of my face swelled up like that kid from MASK. And for the grand finale….I’m having all of my wisdom teeth pulled even though I was told that it will be difficult in my advance maternal age.
.-= Connie @ Young and Relentless´s last blog ..Expiration Dates =-.
“Root planning” sounds like a terrifying euphemism. Glad you got through it. I would have cx’d the OB, too!
.-= The Lawyer Mom´s last blog ..Can We All Calm Down? =-.
I’d rather get one mammo a week for a year than go to the dentist.
*snort*
Visiting you is like bubbly cristal..
.-= Rachel ~ Southern Fairytale´s last blog ..Happy Birthday, Daddy. =-.
305163 beers on the wall.
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