So I’m starting to read all the reviews on the Oprah book and I think we might be twins. Well, I mean except for me not being a billionaire. And I don’t have a talk show. Or a magazine. Or a cable channel. And also, the question about what team she really plays for (not that it really matters…)
But I have to have the new book.
Must.
Have.
You know why? Two lines that keep getting quoted:
“Oprah does not walk…”
“Oprah does not do stairs…”
Seriously guys, I think we were separated at birth. Look….Oprah thinks so too!
I swear to God, that is a happy face…
Anyhoo, in light of the fact that Oprah does not walk or do stairs, I thought you might like a list of things that Stiletto (because I am totally important enough to have a one word name and also, speak in the third person) does not do.
Ready? Let’s jump on it like Tom Cruise on Oprah’s sofa!
- Stiletto does not do trash. (Well, I mean other than a couple of guys in college.)
- Stiletto does not do kitty litter.
- Stiletto also does not do kitty vomit.
- Stiletto does not do pet food.
- Stiletto does not drive on trips longer than an hour.
- Stiletto does not drive, period…as long as there is someone to drive her. Greater D/FW is thankful for this fact.
- Stiletto does not do leftovers. Unless it’s pizza. And she is hungover.
- Stiletto does not do bugs. Dead or otherwise.
- Stiletto does not do middle seats on planes.
- Stiletto does not talk to people on planes.
- Stiletto does not make eye contact on planes.
- Stiletto sometimes wears sunglasses on planes.
- Stiletto might be a bitch….onward…
- Stiletto does not drink cheap Scotch. EVER.
- Stiletto does not drink cheap wine…unless of course that is all that is offered in which case, Stiletto will happily gulp it.
- Stiletto does not do gas station bathrooms. Unless she has had a bunch of aforementioned cheap wine in which case, she gets her inner Brittney Spears on and goes for it. But she always keeps her shoes on.
- But above all…Stiletto does not do clogged toilets…because this? Is icky and she cannot be a part of anything icky, toilet or otherwise.
Seriously, the list could go on and on….and on and on, but I’ll spare you a ten thousand word post. You’ll thank me later, trust.
So tell me, what’s on your Oprah list?
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