I travel a lot. You already know this though, right? In fact, this blog post is being written from 32,000 feet in the sky as I sit surrounded by people who have very bothersome coughs.
(Is it too much to ask for you to hack into your sleeve as the CDC has indicated? Pfft.)
Anyway.
I’ve realized over the course of two years, the better part of which were spent up in the air (sadly not with George Clooney) that I have developed a certain level of phobia about my trips. It all started with not wearing my engagement ring when I fly, you know, in case the plane crashes…it would be a shame to waste such a pretty bauble. The one time I did wear it? Emergency landing because of an indication of smoke (read FIRE) in the cargo area complete with military helicopters surrounding us, and a descent from 30,000 feet to the ground in 8 minutes flat where we were greeted by fire trucks, ambulances and scary little men in hazmat suits. I kid you not. Also, most of the senior management of my company at the time was on the plane along with Tommy Lee (the Tommy Lee of Pamela Anderson fame) which apparently is not a good combination for safe travels.
But I digress.
Every since then, I’ve adhered to not wearing my ring but have also added frequently to the things that must happen in order for me to get home safely. In short order, here they are:
• You must never change your seat, even if it’s the middle one on a long flight, for a window or an aisle upgrade. If first class comes along? That’s a different story. God would never ruin my fun in first class with a stupid thing like engine failure.
• The children must each give me one stuffed animal to take along with me for the journey. These sweet little animals would look really bad on a news reel should anything unfortunate happen, also, they make lovely hotel room decorations.
• I must call my husband as soon as I am seated to let him know I was responsible enough to get myself on the plane and not miss boarding by doing something stupid like having one glass of wine too many at the bar one gate down. I mean, not that that has ever happened.
• I must also tell my husband what flight I am on and then give a chipper little shout out of “Track me!” because God would never let something happen to the plane as he sits for hours watching it make it’s way across the map on his tiny computer screen because I’m totally sure that’s what he does for hours while I fly, right honey?
• I will not speak to you unless you look very young or very nervous, or a combination of the two. If you are the latter, I will feel it’s my duty to make sure you don’t get nervous and freak out on me…because if I keep you safe and calm, we can all avoid the hassel of those pesky security guards boarding the plane to take you off and delaying me getting to my destination.
• I rarely use my iPod even though said husband has carefully loaded it with movies I love. Why? Because someone on this plane has to be listening for suspicious knocks or keeping an eye on anyone shady looking, that’s why. I am all about protecting my fellow travelers.
• And here’s the main one. The minute the plane touches down wherever it is I’m going, I have to say to myself “Halfway Home”. I honestly have no idea where this one came from but the one time I said it out loud, the person sitting next to me refused to make eye contact with me as we taxied to the gate. I didn’t blame him.
One of my other rules has always been to not blog about my superstitions about flying on a airplane for fear of creating a “situation” for myself. As I type this, we have just hit a ridiculous amount of turbulence and the captain has ordered everyone back to their seats for the duration of the flight.
Signing off from seat 30E somewhere above Utah….
TSM
{ 24 comments… read them below or add one }
Buckle up…..
so glad you posted this. I, too, have “traveling tendencies” …. you just gave me a future post idea!
*waving at the sky from Utah*
I hope you made it home okay. Call me.
When my husband travels, I track his plane for hours….because I’m crazy.
P.S. A company in Dallas is very interested in my husband. Multiple resumes are being sent to very important people tomorrow. Cross your fingers.
Connie @ Young and Relentless´s last blog ..The Bachelor: Women Tell it ALL
What , no Travel Gnome amongst the critters?
I find that wearing underwear on my head for the flight ensures that the plane lands safely. At the very least, it should discourage contact from your fellow passengers!
Irish Gumbo´s last blog ..Return of The Ba-Donka-Donk
Okay. I don’t feel so weird now.
The Dental Maven´s last blog ..Man Loses Teeth to Exploding Cigarette
Can I add..
* Chat with friend online about scary flight while drinking heavily because that will make the plane stay in the air just from the force of your two wills.
It goes without staying that both of you are drinking heavily because you never know when the ground will fall out from beneath friend.
Michele´s last blog ..Historic Maps or what looks like maps but could be something different
I’m going to send the link to this to Beloved, who also travels very frequently (and has for 25 years). I think the only one he might disagree with (besides changing seats, but he only ever sits in the middle seat if the situation is desperate) is the iPod. Because he doesn’t WANT to speak to anyone who isn’t very young or very nervous (and he may not even then), his iPod is constant companion in the air.
Well, we don’t send him with stuffed animals either and if I found him flying without the requisite marital jewelry he’d wish his flight would crash.
Jan´s last blog ..Smoulder, Baby, Smoulder
It all sounds perfectly reasonable to me.
I hope you’re halfway home by now!
Becky´s last blog ..Personal Organizer Secrets Revealed
My routine always begins with a Clorox wipe. As I disinfect the arm rests, tray table and such I always get an odd look from my seat mate. But it only takes them about 15 seconds to contemplate the germ hole they are sitting in, and 9 out of 10 times I’m asked if I have a spare.
Nancy´s last blog ..For the Birds
I don’t think I could have a job where I had to travel so much. I don’t mind flying per se… but I think I would eventually end up with a list of superstitions numbering in the 100′s. And then I’d be late for every flight!
justmakingourway´s last blog ..Not the gifted program
I get a bit superstitious about my travel too.
Jack´s last blog ..Still Climbing
I just discovered you and love your humor! I’ll add you to my blogroll and look forward to hearing about your new-job adventures! Good job choosing happiness
Jane The Suburban Philosopher´s last blog ..Hallmark Sends Its Very Best
So… I have to do the sign of the cross on myself and all of my family members. They are all so used to it, that they completely ignore me and sometimes, if they feel particularly nice, will roll their eyes at me and sigh. I also say, “Thank you, God” every time we land. The hell of it is that I am soooooo not religious and a TOTAL lapsed Catholic. I am sure people around me think I am crazy. I also will absolutely, positively, have a drink if it is noon or beyond in my destination.
Hope you are halfway home. Glad to hear I am not the only crazy person in the skies these days.
Lisa´s last blog ..Father Daughter Dance 2010
Veto flies easily as much as George did in the movie. He was away all last week, flew home for two nights and was gone all this week… came home basically to watch the hockey game with us and then he’s off again. I’m sorry to say this, but sometimes, I’m not sure exactly where he is. Is that really strange? I mean, he always calls when he lands, he always has his phone so I’ve never had a problem reaching him and I guess if I really needed to know his flight number I’d call his assistant or travel agent. I must be living like some sort of ostrich with my head in the sand…
And the wedding ring? I had the same dilemma but then I decided to buy myself the replica setting in white gold instead of platinum and filled that bad boy with cubic zirconia and if the plane goes down, God knows I still have left the real McCoy behind for Loopy.
Saucy´s last blog ..let’s talk about winners
I would love to sit next to you. Last time I flew in Dec. the plane was hit by lightning, and I thought we were going sown. I was crying quietly and the lady next to me comforted me but she was also praying to Jesus. So much for my theory that if there are small children smiling at me from other rows then surely nothing bad will happen. But we made it. I don’t know how I am getting on a plane this Wed but I have to.
Michele Renee´s last blog ..Fragments on the Last Friday of February
The more I fly & the older I get, the more I get nervous and hate flying. I guess I think my luck is running out!
Everything you say is perfectly rational. OCD, some say? Pfft!
The Lawyer Mom´s last blog ..Eeyore? Sure. But Not Today.
I can relate to ALL of your ‘rules for a safe flight’!
Oh, a bag of M&M Peanuts always guarantee for a safe flight, too.
zelzee´s last blog ..Life Is a Melody
Wow. You’ve got me beat. I’m going to let my husband read this so he can see how “normal” I actually am.
Most of my traveling is done by car. Explain to me why I feel more comfortable in a car, where I have a greater risk of becoming a highway pancake, than I do in a plane, which statistically is a lower accident risk? Completely irrational, but I hate flying. I’d rather just be a few feet above the ground.
Michele´s last blog ..Just Because the Computer is There…
My husband, a seasoned road warrior, has rituals too. Get on plane as early as you can and start snoring as soon as they close the door. Power nap is his answer to all things. I try never to fly with him.
Me, I usually have a candy bar…just in case something unspeakable happens I deserve a candy bar. Then I pray for the flight crew and everyone else on the plane.
Me no sleep, I also belong to the fantasy civilian air marshal brigade keeping my eyes wide open at all times.
NO wonder we hit it off, although I think you may be just a tad crazier (like a fox) than me. How many rituals can we adhere to before the official OCD diagnosis is confirmed?
the mayor´s last blog ..Right Back Where We Left Off
Are ya back yet?
DCUrbanDad´s last blog ..Time to snap out of it
When I was younger (and the oil field was a place everyone WANTED to be employed in) we used to take lovely trips everywhere by plane. My mother always wondered why I could be a demon-spawn before boarding, but suddenly once in the air I was a perfectly well-behaved child. She asked me years later.
Here is my answer: I was always told Heaven was “up there” (pointing up) so I saw the clouds below us out the windows in the plane and figured I’d better be REALLY good as The Big Guy can now see me REALLY well with no clouds to hide his view of my behavior. So I behaved.
She laughed and said…”Heck, if I’d have known that we’d have flown A LOT more!!!” hehe
Dorsey´s last blog ..Oh my aching legs!!
Hey, if it works it works…
You’d be a good actress. Theater people are notoriously superstitious. Never say “Macbeth” in the air, okay??
Maureen@IslandRoar´s last blog ..Let It Snow…
“Sadly not with George Clooney.”
YOU CRACK ME UP, WOMAN!!!
Poppy Buxom´s last blog ..30 Days to 10 years younger–10 minute tips. Tip 1: Find a MLBB lippie