Because it was two days that ended in Y, this weekend I spent all of my time at a cheerleading competition. This wasn’t just any competition, it was the biggest one of the year where some of the best teams from across the nation gathered to compete.
It also draws some of the craziest cheer parents which, honestly, should be a sport in and of itself. There were Moms wearing blinky hats with green tinsel for hair, some Moms chose to wear feathered wigs and matching make up in support of their teams. There were loud shouts of support, hugs of encouragement and tears for the girls when they fell.
In my case, there was the dubious honor of getting cussed out by a Grandma.
It all started innocently enough. A group of parents from another team were sitting behind us on the bleachers. They stood and they cheered, as they should, when their girls took the stage. Our group of Moms clapped politely for them when they were finished even though they were competing with us in the same bracket.
You would think when the time came for us to cheer our girls on, the favor would be repaid.
Oh honey no.
We stood up immediately as our girls came out, cheering for them, hoping they could hear us since we were so far back. Immediately the parents from the competing team behind us started screaming at us to sit down because they couldn’t see even though they had stood in front of others just moments before.
Thinking they surely must not understand these are our girls , I turned around and said, “But our team is on the stage…” and resumed being loud and obnoxious. But just when i thought I had the market cornered on being loud and obnoxious they started yelling “SIT DOWN! SIT DOWN!! SIT DOWN!!!” at the top of their lungs. I’d had just about enough of their complaining by this point and decided to end this once and for all. I turned back around again and said very firmly, “You stood up for YOUR girls, now We are standing for OURS. HMMPH!!!!.”
That pretty much shut up the entire group except for one woman who appeared to be someone’s Grandmother. She seated two rows directly behind me and proceeded to yell, “SHUUUUUUT UUUUUUP!!!!” at the top of her lungs. That’s when seven year old Mini-Stiletto made an appearance and I turned around and yelled back, “NO, YOU SHUT UP!” back at her. It was at this point that Grandma decided to up her hood rat game with me. She pulled out the Mac Daddy of cuss words, the be all end all, the one that got that Ralphie’s mouth washed out with lye soap in the movie A Christmas Story….she threw out THE EFF BOMB.
Holy homemade chocolate chip cookie Grandma….the language!!!!
Can I stop here and remind you this was a cheer competition? Full of cheerleaders? Who are young girls? And let’s not forget their siblings…..one of which was a sweet little seven year old boy standing right next to me.
My friend Jenny (mother of said sweet seven year old boy and Zen Master) had to hold me back from pulling off my exquisite high heeled boot and nailing her with it. With a death grip on my arm, she said something in a soothing voice to me about karma and since I like her and didn’t want to go to jail for nailing a grandma with my heel, I acquiesced.
Grandma wasn’t done with me though. As we left the bleachers to go collect our daughters, she fired up at me again. “Nice to meet you SWEETHEART!!!” she said as she waved a certain finger in my direction. I stood there for a good five seconds with my mouth hanging open while deciding if prison time was really in my future and remembering that I do, in fact, look stunning in orange jumpsuits . However much to my chagrin, I decided to take the high road. Putting on my biggest smile and flashing the thumbs up, I returned, “Thanks for bringing your classy A game out today! It was a real pleasure to meet you!!”
I was a full ten feet away thinking that was the end of it, when I heard her shout her final words, “Effing bitch”.
Oh yes. She did.
Which made me wonder, do you suppose she reads my blog?
Jenny was right though, karma does come back to haunt as we finished well above Grandma’s team and I got a great blog post out of it. See? Everybody wins when a bitch like me has a very public outlet and high heels to defend herself just in case.
PS: I’ll be off most of this week while I’m in San Francisco training for my new job. Be good out there…and if you can’t be good? Well, just stay a safe distance away from any finger waving Grandmas.
{ 46 comments }
Wow. I just don’t have words. I have met my share of mouthy grandma’s (not in your context though) and they always made me giggle. Something about an 95 yo woman telling dirty jokes with an eff bomb or two amuses me. These same women have always known when it seems appropriate though. I wish you had one of those ladies with you. Not only would they have been able to calm you down, i think they would have gladly pulled ghetto granny to the side and had a nice talking to.
Don’t you wish Ghetto Granny was handing out her biz cards with an email?? LOL then you could happily link her to this great blog post.
.-= Angela´s last blog ..Rambling Mondays Anyone? =-.
That’s some super impressive restraint you’ve got going there. No amount of karma in the world would have been enough to keep me from doing something horrible. I woulda gone ghetto on Grandma in a heartbeat. And it’s a little scary how I know this with such absolute certainty.
.-= bejewell´s last blog ..Sometimes a Picture Really Is Worth A Thousand Words =-.
I’m with bejewell – no amount of Karma in the world. But ghetto? Oh, no. I tend to get on an intellectual high horse in those kinds of situations – people like that tend to get rather confused and flustered when you ask them just how many chromosomes they have.
.-= Jan´s last blog ..My Favorite Fantasy Redux =-.
Some of those cheer moms/grandmas are pretty hardcore. You did well Grasshopper, to stay out of the fray.
.-= Michele´s last blog ..Roasted Eggplant Brushetta Pizza =-.
Old ladies are the best finger wavers out there. I think when you get to a certain age, you just don’t give a fuck. Unfortunatley, if you were a megabeastbiatchface in your youth, it tends to multiply substantially in the octogenarian years.
.-= inannasstar´s last blog ..My Cherry Has Been Popped! =-.
“Holy homemade chocolate chip cookie Grandma”
What a wonderful expression.
I always knew you were a cheerleader.
.-= Mo´s last blog ..Pint-sized Crime Stories (Crime Writing Festival) =-.
Holy Eff.
.-= Captain Dumbass´s last blog ..Three Things =-.
Reminds me of the grandmother from the Evanovich books. Hilarious.
My grandparents were just looney. My parents are perfectly normal. No fun here.
.-= The Mother´s last blog ..I Think My Kids are Abnormal =-.
*giggle giggle snort giggle* Okay- that’s hilarious. Grandma must be hitting the senile years, I suppose.
.-= Taiya´s last blog ..Not Me Monday Add In =-.
Girlfriend, that’s when you bring out the ghetto-fab, and tell her you are GONNA PUT HER SHIT ON BLOCKS. Whether it’s her car, or her trailer, that puts the fear in the ghetto-rat.
.-= Andria Stanley´s last blog ..Fighting =-.
Both of my grandmothers have passed on, or I would have been suspicious..
.-= Sprite’s Keeper´s last blog ..Spin Cycle: It’s time to confess! =-.
I, too, look awesome in orange. Honey, if I would have been there, I assure you, by the end of that competition, we’d have had to Thelma and Louise it off the cliff at the end because I’d have lost my mind on that grandma! Cripes, I’d still be stewing over her days and days later! What if karma is so awesome it puts you two together in a room again for future competitions? Two words – SPIRIT FINGERS! Raise one – and you know what one – if you must!
Oh, and also? I totally admire your restraint!
.-= foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog)´s last blog ..hey kids! i’ve got a question for you! =-.
Oh my. I think my head would have exploded. Really. Man, definitely one of those “give it up to God” moments, you know? Hopefully, instant karma is gonna get her.
I honestly don’t know who I want on my team more here, you or cussing Granny. Me thinks you. I mean, honestly, she’s probably only got a few more good years left in her before she breaks a hip and then what? I’d have to cart her to every soccer game, dance recital AND look for a comfortable place for her to sit only to listen to her prattle on about her arthritis and how her kids don’t call anymore. YOU. I am definitely going with you. I bet you make better cookies anyway.
.-= steenky bee´s last blog ..How Did I End Up With This Hot Dog? =-.
Holy Hell.
I’m not surprised.. but I love how you handled it, wrote it etc…
Love and miss your gorgeous face.
(aghast)
My G-maw was a tough broad who knew her way around an epithet..but she was a classy dame, too. I think she would have given that nasty granny a high-test dose of whoopass and looked great doing it!
I applaud your restraint, madam
.-= Irish Gumbo´s last blog ..Scent of a Whoa, Man!!! =-.
Um…wow. That seems unnecessary. Someone must have dropped a house on her sister.
.-= Keely´s last blog ..I’d rather stab a fork in my eye…or go to a Super Wal Mart. (With a fork in my eye.) Random Tuesday Thoughts. =-.
hahahahahahaha. It does take all kinds now doesn’t it? You go girl with your heels!! That was the best story I have heard all day.
Good luck in San Fran!!
Oh my gosh! You are my hero and totally my new best friend if I move to Dallas!!
.-= Connie @ Young and Relentless´s last blog ..The Bachelor: Women Tell it ALL =-.
Nice. I can see Grandma now – sitting on the porch of her trailer, puffing on her unfiltered Malboro’s, sipping a cold tall boy that’s still in the brown paper bag…classy lady.
Oh my word. What a class act! I’m sure she’s been embarrassing her family for years.
Good on you for taking the high road. Maybe she’s related to that other Texas Cheerleading Mom, the one who had somebody whacked.
.-= Becky´s last blog ..I Got To Get Me Some of That =-.
Wow!
And everyone blames kids for being rude…
.-= Maureen@IslandRoar´s last blog ..Spin Cycle: Confessions =-.
Grannys can be beeyatches, too!!!
I was cussed out by a parent at a 2nd grade basketball games last weekend, myself…
Can we please keep the cursing to the internet???
.-= Moby Homemaker´s last blog ..An Impassioned Plea to the Moms of Lyndon Baines Johnson Grade School =-.
That potty mouthed granny needs to be put in her place. Too bad my meemaw has passed on. She’s well revered in the mountains for killing a rattle snake with her bare hands. She never went to any public event without a good green switch tucked in her pocket book, and she wasn’t afraid to use it!
Sounds like a new reality show opportunity.
.-= the mayor´s last blog ..He Had Me At Hello: Harry Connick Jr At Bllissdom =-.
Some people need their AARP and Mc Donald’s senior citizen discount cards revoked for bad behavior.
At a recent local soccer tournament, a player’s grandfather heckled the fourteen year old referee throughout the game. The fourteen year old ref tried to ignore it and kept the game going. When the game was over, Grandpa’s team had lost. Grandpa approached the, I’ll repeat, fourteen year old ref, and PUNCHED him.
Only in Texas. Or Georgia… thank goodness my girls are too uncoordinated to cheer.
.-= Carolyn Online´s last blog ..Conversations with my mother #9. =-.
ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was never more ghetto than when I was a cheer mom. The sweet preppy lady in me was left in the minivan and a new breed was born. It was the only way to survive. Remember those cheer hags are probably needing a drink and a smoke something fierce. We did make it out alive and moved on to another sport so there is hope for you. Glad the kicked their butt.
.-= Linda´s last blog ..Help YOU Help ME – My Dog Chews Everything!! =-.
I would have so posted your bond.
.-= The Lawyer Mom´s last blog ..Eeyore? Sure. But Not Today. =-.
265985 beers on the wall.
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