An Open Letter To “The Celebrities” Of People Magazine

Seeing as how I’ve declared 2010 as the year of “finding myself” I feel the need to dispense some advice to the “celebrities” gracing the cover of People this week.

I don’t even know where to start with this, but let’s just dive in, shall we?

Dear Kate:

Those hair extensions?    Are not your friend.    A couple of things come to mind when I look at this picture of you.

• You have eight kids.  EIGHT.  How on earth do you expect to keep those things in?
• TLC pays you big bucks to be a Mom.   You sort of look like you need a pole to dance on in this picture.   Or maybe a shot with Billy Ray Cyrus in his “Achey Breaky Heart” days, because girlfriend, you are now sporting a mullet.
• Brittney Spears.   Extensions.   Not good.    Think about it.

Dear Jersey Shore Cast:

Andy Warhol called from the great beyond and wants you to know your fifteen minutes of fame are almost up.

• Snookie?  Drunk and stupid is no way to go through life.   Ask Dean Wormer from Animal House.   I promise you your job search, should you choose to go that route, is going to be challenging at best.    Somewhere in America, your parents are weeping.
• “The Situation”?  No one needs to be named that.    Also, your use of your name in the third party, as in, “The Situation is not happy”?    Your children and your grand-children thank you for the never ending laughs.    However, many girls on the Jersey Shore are now sporting “I Love The Situation” on their hineys which I guess may be some consolation.  Somewhere in America, your parents are also weeping.
• The parents of the girls sporting “I Love The Situation” on their hineys?   Also weeping.
• Third Girl?   I don’t know who you are but based on the one episode I saw you are either cheating on your boyfriend, hooking up with complete strangers or a combination of the two.   STD’s are not a laughing matter young woman, repeat after me, “No Glove?  No Love.”   Your parents are also weeping in a corner somewhere.  And probably buying a lot of antibiotics for your spring break visit.

Dear Elin:

Tiger is a piece of trash.   Take the 300 million and run honey….you so totally earned it at this point.

Love to all of you,

TSM

PS:

Dear People:

While this was a refreshing change from the Bi-Monthy “Half Their Size” issues, none of these people are celebrities.     Might be time for a new editor, think about it.    My cancellation notice is in the mail….you’ve been warned.