I Used To Be This Woman
See this picture?
I used to be her.
Let’s talk about about what you see here because maybe you don’t know the person who painted this. But I do. It was the first oil painting I ever purchased way back when.
Her name is Long Tall Drink of Blue. Not my name, the name the artist gave her. I saw her and immediately had to have her. She represented so much to me.
Look at her.
Back arched in pride. Fist curled for a fight. Legs curled to give her the ability to stand up when she falls down. And that yellow thing you see popping up out of her? That is her life force. Read it for what you will. Maybe it’s the children she brings into the world and those egg looking things are well, actual eggs. That’s what the artist told me anyway.
I see that yellow thing as something different. Yes, it is represents the children she brings into the world but I see more. It’s the life force she delivers to the world. Her very being brings change, happiness, comfort, but most of all strength to those around her. Those egg looking thingies (artist speak…Texas style…) might very well represent future opportunities or challenges to be overcome.
I used to be her.
I lost her.
I’m going to get her back.
Somewhere over the past year, I’ve let a bunch of things out of my control bring me down…and I’ve made some decisions that were in my control that I would change if I could. I’ve let others control my thoughts, my emotions, my very opinion about myself.
Not anymore.
Things are about to change around here, and by here…I mean my life. My husband, my children and I deserve so much more than what I have put myself through. I am not perfect, I will never be. But a few of the things I am are smart, perceptive and intuitive. Add dedicated and hard working to that mix and my God…I don’t suck nearly as much as I thought I did.
My blog will still be the same thing it always was, hopefully funny with a little bit of sentiment peppered in here and there. But every once in a while, you may see a different side of me. One that is trying to grow beyond restraints this year, maybe learning to grow farther than I’ve allowed myself to before. With any luck, this year I will lose all common sense and throw caution to the wind and do something that makes me giddy for no other reason than it just felt like the right thing to do at the time.
It’s time to get honest here, I’m not doing this for money because God knows I make nothing off this. It’s a personal journal that I have chosen to share. It’s an introspective look into my thoughts, my dreams and and the loves of my life…my family. It’s something I want my children to see someday and realize not only was their Mom funny, but she was something else…something yet to be defined. Or maybe it has been defined and I just need to find it again.
It’s time to get real…both here and in my life.
I think things are about to get a whole lot better.
Wow, I liked this a lot. Many of us relate to what you are saying because everyoe gets distracted from their path at times.
The yellow flower? I like the way it blooms out in the open.
I love this.
Go girlie! And I fist-pump in support!
Love the painting! And love that you’re off to get her back!! Go get her!!
Okay, I will settle in for the ride! It sounds good, lady, Happy New Year!
Deep in the jungle, the jaguar pricks up its ears…there is a roar, far off, but growing stronger…the big cat rejoices…
Change, comfort, strength, joy to those around her. I’d say you are off to a brilliant start, m’lady!
Great choice of painting, too.
If anyone can get her back – it is you!!! Nothing says “Bitch On Heels” quite like confidence!!
~WM
Boy, I could have written a lot of this. I admire your resolve to reclaim the good, strong woman that is you. Can I borrow some?
good.
for.
you.
What is it about turning 50 that makes us want to re-invent or re-discover ourselves? I’m in the same spot in this road. Want to hold hands? Because, I think I’m going to need the support and I’ll be happy to give it.
Not that you are 50 but we all hit a place. Oh never mind. You know what I’m saying.
Good for you! I have felt this way before, and it is a powerful feeling to realize that one will be courting change. I look forward to reading about your journey.
I love this too. And find it inspiring. And that picture is a wonderful way of finding inspiration – look at it first thing every morning when you wake up.
I heart that painging big time. It’s awesome. What an amazing thing to have over the mantle. And, throwing caurion to the wind and doing something to make you feel giddy?? Sensational way to approach a new year. Looking forward to all of it!
The woman of your dreams is still in there waiting for you to ask her to come out and play.
I already think you rock!
Hugs!!!
Jennifer
I have no idea what road you’re going down, but I love you, so I’m coming with you!
She’s beautiful, and so are you, and I hope you find the way to blending you two back together.
You rock, lady.
Interesting. I love metamorphosis.
*Stands up and cheers… and throws flowers… and chocolate… and kisses…*
looking forward
muchly
and the yellow thing is the worlkd on her back that she carries with ease
becuse it’s her world
and she knows what it’s made of
and how to carry it
with grace
and ease
lithe and supple
no weight at all
i have always thought of you as smart, perceptive, intuitive, dedicated and hard working. also as a loyal wife and kick ass mom. i must say that i am really shocked that you don’t already have the healthiest self esteem of anyone i “know”. really?
well, that is proof that it is so very possible for you to reclaim her – since i already thought you were her!
xoxo
Write down the notes of your journey because I have a little trip to get back the real me. The unshakable, 92% right me. Michigan, unemployment and the economy have stomped me like never before and I ready to be done with it.
GO YOU! You can–and will–do it!
I’m a big supporter of throwing caution to the wind. Yeah, I’ve messed up a few times doing that…but the rewards have always been greater most of the time for having done so. Plus, it’s a lot of fun!
Ooh, this sounds very intriguing. I’m buckling my proverbial seat belt!
Dude. Get the blue lady back. We’ll be here for you.
You’re ON YOUR WAY, GIRL!!!
Go for it!
I hope this year is exciting for you and fulfilling, but seriously, you’re going to lose “all” common sense? ALL? Goddammit I’m not going to invite you over for a cup of tea then. No hot drinks for you my dear. No glass either. Just plain old plastic cups for you…
Good for you! It is so easy to lose the balance of who we are and who we think others want us to be…sounds like you’re getting your balance back…that yellow thing in the painting gets a whole new meaning this year!
You still are her. Don’t worry.
Reading this….makes me like you even more than I already did.
2010 feels hopeful doesn’t it? When I’m finished releasing all of my excess weight…I’m hoping the fearless women in me will emerge and stand tall and be invincible.
Can’t wait to accompany you on this journey!
I really hear ya girl, and I’m rooting for you. You, and the beautiful blue woman, of course
Cheering for you. Loudly.
Can’t wait to tag long!
Such a great post! I love the painting and the fact that you are reclaiming that woman! I know it is easy to lose who you are, so when you find her grab her and hold on tight!
Sorry I’m late to this post. I am on the same wavelength – getting things better this year is what I’m about. You find the beautiful blue lady inside you, you know she’s there. And we’re here to support you!!
It’s a new decade, new year, new day! You go girl!
Whatever you do, I’ll be here waiting to read about it. I love your blog. Your humor is spot on and always brings a smile to my face
I love the image. Love it. I am all about that: symbolism, imagery, things that REPRESENT something. I got it. The minute I saw the art; I got it. I understand, too, getting to a point where you want “you” back. Embrace that.
How wonderful to have a painting that represents you as you were, are or want to be. And I have no doubt that you can do anything. I can relate to this – a lot. And I hope you’ll share more.
Being real takes major guts. Sad, but true. Can’t wait to see where you lead.
LOVE the painting.
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