I Used To Be This Woman

See this picture?

I used to be her.

Let’s talk about about what you see here because maybe you don’t know the person who painted this.  But I do.  It was the first oil painting I ever purchased way back when.

Her name is Long Tall Drink of Blue.  Not my name, the name the artist gave her.  I saw her and immediately had to have her.    She represented so much to me.

Look at her.

Back arched in pride.  Fist curled for a fight.   Legs curled to give her the ability to stand up when she falls down.  And that yellow thing you see popping up out of her?   That is her life force.   Read it for what you will.   Maybe it’s the children she brings into the world and those egg looking things are well, actual eggs.    That’s what the artist told me anyway.

I see that yellow thing as something different.   Yes, it is represents the children she brings into the world but I see more.   It’s the life force she delivers to the world.   Her very being brings change, happiness, comfort, but most of all strength to those around her.  Those egg looking thingies (artist speak…Texas style…) might very well represent future opportunities or challenges to be overcome.

I used to be her.

I lost her.

I’m going to get her back.

Somewhere over the past year, I’ve let a bunch of things out of my control bring me down…and I’ve made some decisions that were in my control that I would change if I could.   I’ve let others control my thoughts, my emotions, my very opinion about myself.

Not anymore.

Things are about to change around here, and by here…I mean my life.   My husband, my children and I deserve so much more than what I have put myself through.   I am not perfect, I will never be.  But a few of the things I am are smart, perceptive and intuitive.  Add dedicated and hard working to that mix and my God…I don’t suck nearly as much as I thought I did.

My blog will still be the same thing it always was, hopefully funny with a little bit of sentiment peppered in here and there.   But every once in a while, you may see a different side of me.   One that is trying to grow beyond restraints this year, maybe learning to grow farther than I’ve allowed myself to before.   With any luck, this year I will lose all common sense and throw caution to the wind and do something that makes me giddy for no other reason than it just felt like the right thing to do at the time.

It’s time to get honest here, I’m not doing this for money because God knows I make nothing off this.  It’s a personal journal that I have chosen to share.    It’s an introspective look into my thoughts, my dreams and and the loves of my life…my family.   It’s something I want my children to see someday and realize not only was their Mom funny, but she was something else…something yet to be defined.   Or maybe it has been defined and I just need to find it again.

It’s time to get real…both here and in my life.

I think things are about to get a whole lot better.