Secret Santa Fail
A long, long time ago (20 years) in a land far, far away (Downtown Dallas) there was a young paralegal/legal secretary who had a particularly high sense of entitlement.
Okay, okay…I’ll stop here. You knew it was me already anyway, right? Right.
So you have the backstory, I was twenty nothing years old and worked in a law firm. I was so jealous of everyone who made more money than me. Nevermind that they went to law school and everything. Pfft…it was me that I was most focused on and how I could get the most bang for my buck in any given situation. Because without me? The entire legal system in North Texas would grind to a halt. I was Just. That. Important.
Secret Santa was the one time each year that I could count on getting something that at least hinted at a reward for all the hard work I put in each year. Well, that and the company ham/turkey that we received each year…which if you were following, I was 20 nothing years old and what the hell good did that do me? None. That’s how much.
But Secret Santa was a different story. The attorney’s would get the assistants and vice versa. At some point each day, a present would arrive to be opened to the squeals and delights of all of the minions in the secretarial pool. I personally had received lovely earrings, a leather bound planner and gift cards in years before.
Not this particular year. That year, I waited patiently in my small office that I shared with a girl that I really didn’t like. I waited and waited, and stared at the back of her head as I heard others opening their gifts. “OhMyGod!!!! It’s a new purse!!!” “NoWay!!!! Thank you Secret Santa for the wine!!!” And on and on…and on and on it went.
You know what I got? A candy bar, each day, another candy bar. You should know something here, I do not like candy bars. With the exception of the tiny candies on Halloween, you will perhaps see me eat an entire candy bar once a year. In fact, I made this clear to everyone around me by saying constantly in the lunch room, “Do you know how many calories are in that thing?” as my fellow secretaries munched on their treats. I would then toss my hair and teeter out on my heels having felt safe that I saved another person from unnecessary tight pants. I was their personal savior in my own mind. Honestly, those calories could be rightly saved for wine.
Priorities people.
So anyway, about the third day in I arrived to….you guessed it, yet another candy bar. At this point I lost my ever loving shit and proclaimed, “Man!!! My Secret Santa SUCKS!!!!” and threw the candy bar into the trash. Classy, I know. My office mate cringed a little at my outburst but I didn’t care, I didn’t like her anyway….what did she know of my righteous indignation when she was sitting there oggling her brand new walkman that could play cassette tapes? Nothing, that’s what.
Pfft.
Finally it was time for the Secret Santa’s to be revealed. I could not wait to see which six figure earning lawyer actually bought me exactly $2.00 worth of candy while all my friends got tons of goodies. It was going to be my moment to stand up for the little man, raise my fist in anger at the establishment….or more than likely, sit there and take it like the twenty nothing schmuck I was because I didn’t want to lose my job.
What I didn’t know was that that year there was a shortage in the number of attorney’s vs. assistants and I had actually had a secretary as my Secret Santa.
Ahem.
You can imagine the look on my face when my Secret Santa revealed herself to me. It was the same secretary I shared an office with that I did not like at all. The same secretary who had heard me proclaim my Secret Santa the suckiest of all Secret Santas in the history of EVER. Apparently, she liked me just about as much because as she gave me my final gift…wait for it…a candy bar….she said in sticky sweet tones, “I’m sooooo glad I could make your Christmas a little sweeter this year!”
I sat there with my mouth hanging open for a good five minutes as everyone laughed all around me. Apparently they had been in on it because let’s face it, is there anything more fun that torturing a self involved 21 year old and watching them go down in flames in front of the entire office?
No, there is not.
In the words of my very favorite author, the bitch had it coming.
So tell me, do you have any Secret Santa or gift giving horror stories to share? Go on, tell me, I promise I won’t tell anyone!
THAT is my nightmare. How awful.
UGH Secret Santa PARENTING FAIL here…
This morning I sent my 6 year old daughter to her grade 1 xmas party with her secret Santa gift. (If you wanted a gift you had to bring one and she wanted a gift — innocently so I thought—-)
Afterschool she was HATEFUL when she got into the van. HATEFUL. I asked her how her party went and what she got for her gift. She told me she HATED her gift. It was a mumble mumble. A WHAT?? A mummbbbllle mumble. “Okay drop the tone. A WHAT?” “A CALENDER. and I HATE IT!”
She was angry that everyone else got a toy adn she got a tinkerbell calender. I as a helpful mommy gave her the word… “So you were disappointed a bit?” “Yeah and (some name she mispronounced so I dont want to guess… Jordianna? rianna? georgiesanna??) was disappointed to.”
“Why was she disappointed?” I ask. “Becuase she bought the calender.”
Yes Stiletto Mom… My daughter did make a little girl cry during the grade 1 christmas party with her hate of the gift her “secret santa” so lovingly picked out and bought.
I am still at a loss for punishment or what??? how to hande this…. UGH. She is writing that girl a nice letter and giving her a friendship bracelet. Plus looking forward to a holiday filled with lectures on giving vs recieving.
I’ve been lucky, I’ve never gotten to sucky Secret Santa gift.
The whole time I was reading this I was picturing you stomping around the office. And in my mind you are wearing what I saw you in when we met Jen Lancaster!
That’s hilarious. I could just imagine how red your face would’ve gotten!
Great story I don’t think we ever did the whole secret Santa I’ve always work in a small office. I miss work but not sharing offices with people you can’t stand. Have a wonderful weekend!
That is just the saddest damned story! There’s no way you could possibly have deserved that. Really.
I have this terrible paranoia about the whole “Secret Santa” thing. It makes me incredibly insecure. I tend to worry so much that what I buy for somebody will be considered “sucky” that I just avoid the whole thing. Or I grossly overdo it to avoid suckiness.
UGH … what a story. Thankfully we do NOT partake in Secret Santas. As a single girl with siblings that go WAY the hell overboard with procreation, I can claim supreme happiness about the fact that we do not do SS’s in the office. Hell’s bells … I can hardly pick things out for my family … who I know through and through, let a lone someone that I work with that I know nothing about.
(we did learn a little humility with this right? he he)
Notwithstanding your self-described 21 year old behavior – that was an evil thing for your office-mate to do! Any further stories about how you made her existence in that office a living hell after Christmas?
[...] participate in a Secret Santa scenario in the office, so I’ve never quite the experience that The Stiletto Mom so hilariously described in her blog (the same blog that inspired this [...]
This is fantastic!
In fact, your blog inspired me to write a post in response.
When I was 18 or so in the Army, I happened to get Sgt Hurlbutt as my person to give my gift to. I hated this guy. He was always a complete twist to all the lower enlisted, and taught us nothing except how to be miserable. We were told to get cutesy gag gifts. So for his secret Santa gift I took a trucker hat and glued some hair to it(he was completely bald). He opened it and left the room in tears. That’s when I was informed that he was suffering from testicular cancer, and was bald from chemo. Yeah, I felt just awesome after that. *sigh*
I once gave glow-in-the dark boxers to our IT guy as Secret Santa ….biggest laugh at the party!
Seriously you don’t like candy bars? Have you HAD a whatchamacallit?
Please do yourself a favor and try one.
I hope you didn’t feel too bad, because your secret Santa did Suck!!
I had one Secret Santa experience that was an absolute nightmare and I never want to remember it again/ I’ll leave it at that.
In 6th grade, we did Secret Santa. I was the quiet geeky girl who had no friends. The girl who picked my name was the mean popular girl who went on later in life to get pregnant at age 16, 18, and 22 by 3 different guys and now works as a checker at Big Lots. But then, she was the IT girl.
And for Secret Santa, she got me nothing.
At all.
And my therapist thanks her for it.
BTW, you should look up that mean bitch on Facebook. I bet she’s still that way.
I ALWAYS hated doing Secret Santa because of my first work experience with it. I got the person ($5 limit here people) two vouchers for the movies. Who does not like movies??? She acted like I gave her herpes in an envelope. Meanwhile I got drugstore bath bubbles in a fake champagne bottle that stunk and was leaking! I acted like it was Chanel #5 because I did not want the person to feel like I did.
Next time I played was about 15 years later and now I was a woman – not a high school senior working at McD’s. In my office I got one of the mail room guys. I was the Senior Sales Executive and did not know this guy very well. I asked around and sent him little things to try and clue who his secret santa was – you were supposed to try and guess when you opened the final gift – and for his last gift I got him a very nice basket of sausages and cheeses and fruit. This was BASED on recommendations from the people who knew him best and he looked like I had given him herpes in a basket when he opened it.
I quit playing then and there. Until I got invited to do it online.
That rocked. See here: http://mommysnest.blogspot.com/2008/12/secret-santa-usually-i-do-not-play.html
OMG. Total embarrassing 20-nothing moment, but seriously, why was she just giving you candy bars? Like, wtf? She could have spent the $2 on a single flower in a bud vase. Or a lip gloss. Something.
Yeah, but…she DID suck. If she shared an office with you she was probably aware of how you felt about candy, so she was just buying it for you to be an ass. Also, SHE GOT A WALKMAN THAT COULD PLAY CASSETTE TAPES!
Anyway. No Secret Santa stories here but one time in high school I was someone’s Secret Easter Bunny. I thought it would be cute to break into her locker and hang a chocolate bunny inside by a (properly tied, I might add) noose.
I guess she didn’t get my “humour”.
Oh My… I would have been mortified. Even IF she was a BITCH!
(Which I am sure she was/is!)
That was almost painful to read. But since it was you and not me it was a little easier to get through.
I can’t believe I’m actually going to tell this. In college I was a Resident Adviser in the dorms. All the RA’s and Dorm Directors did an anonymous gift exchange, everyone provides a present and they get passed out. I was completely, completely broke. So I wrapped up some packages of Oodles of Noodles. And while I was at least allowed to not own up it was me, I felt terrible!
Gah! I cringe even now…
Oh. My. God!! I hate it when the entire office does a secret santa type gift exchange…it hardly ever remains a secret and what if I didn’t want to get anyone anything?!?! It is like forcing everyone to get along when – clearly – some ppl just don’t get along! Ugh!
~WM
I agree with the Captn’. That was painful to read. No Secret Santa stories for me, although apparently this is the 2nd year in a row I have bought the same gift for our White Elephant party.
Not a bad Secret Santa but my then-husband gave me a lab created diamond ring… that he paid $50 for. This was the same man who bought me a pearl necklace one year and a fox jacket in previous years. When he left, I packed up the cheapo ring and matching fake diamond studs. I hope his bitch wife (who he left me for) wears them.
Another reason Xmas sucks….
When I worked at a preschool we did Secret Santa every year. And every year someone would wind up with a Secret Santa that gave NOTHING. I guess it was part of the tradition.
When I was a practice teacher, all of the interns were included in the teachers’ Secret Santa Swap. Never mind that I am at this point a single mom of two kids, living at home with my parents, going to school full time and teaching full time (without pay)… I draw the name of a very nice male gym teacher. I know a little about him because I used to work with his brother. I know he is married and has small kids, so this is how I play it:
Day 1: I give him a box of microwave popcorn (family size)
Day 2: I give him a six-pack of Jones Soda
Day 3: I give him a bag of assorted candies
Day 4: I give him some cool Christmas napkins AND a pizza gift certificate for the pizza place across from the school
Day 5: I give him a gift card for two movie rentals at the Blockbuster across from the school
You see where I’m going with this… it’s a family night with movies and pizza… he thought it was great! He hugged me on the last day of school (also the last day of my internship) and said I was the best Secret Santa ever. I was pretty pleased with myself, until…
I get word from a mutual friend that his wife was pissed with me because a) she is a fat chick on a diet (I did not know that) and b) she perceives this as me making a “move” on her gym teacher husband. What.ever. You are welcome. I just want her to know, that year, my kids and I did not afford a movie rental OR a pizza night over the Christmas break.
And yes, I’m still bitter.
so I guess I shouldn’t give you that candy bar I bought fo you for Christmas then?
I don’t know, let’s see… does the time that I was so sleep-deprived from working all kinds of hours to finish stuff before Christmas that I didn’t lock the door when I went to change and one of my workmates walked in on me in my underwear? Hmmm.
I hate the Secret Santa thing, especially when it’s at work or some place where everyone is expected to participate…yeah, everyone is “expected” to take money out of their paychecks and spend it on a co-worker. The very first year I was married my husband and I were so broke we didn’t give each other gifts, we were eating spaghetti just about every night, and barely paying our bills; we were both in college and I worked at a jewelry store. The manager decided we were all going to do the Secret Santa thing, and he announced that the gifts should have a “cash value” of about $25, to make the gifts fair. There was no possible way I could get that money–I was that broke. So I had to humiliate myself and announce, while he was putting names into a hat, that I could not participate because I couldn’t afford it. Of course, everyone thought I was lying and being a cheapskate. So, since that day, I’ve hated the whole concept. (Can you tell I’m still irritated about it?)
That’s hilarious. Never beeen busted like that – but I sure have gotten some awful secret santa presents (a year old box of candy was featured in the pathetic lineup)
My secret Santa one year sent me on a scavenger hunt, complete with pictures, ransom notes, cryptic messages. It was a great game that the entire office enjoyed. Everyone was anxious to see what I would have to do to find my gift every day. Sure it sounds fun, but for someone who hates to be in the spotlight, even a little bit, it was horrifying to me and I Hated It. With a passion. But I wasn’t rude to bitch to everyone in the office… Just my best friend. My boss even took me aside and told me to suck it up and just play along, everyone was having fun. And I would be sorry and look like a total fool if I didn’t play along.
Still I bitched.
To my best friend.
Who turned out to be the coolest Secret Santa of all, because no matter how big a raging bitch I was, I still got the most amazing secret Santa Gifts that year.
And we’re still best friends.
you got a stumble on this one chicky. Loved it. I worked in a law firm but got fired before the holidays. Too bad. I LOVE candy bars
ROTFL
I was the Santa to a woman I just didn’t like but sucked it up and got great gifts for her that she LOVED and we all knew this because she sat behind me. Loved them, showed them to all of us. We all know every party has a pooper right? She was the one in the office who had to know who everyone was playing Santa for, by process of elimination she figured out it was me and then was less then appreciative of the still wonderful gifts I was giving her.
Next year I still played the game and got someone I liked and again great gifts that she loved so much that on the last day, she gave me a gift.