Dear Dr. Smile, You Make Me Terribly Unhappy

Yeah, so I sort of fell of the face of the earth last week…not shocking given my propensity for diappearing for a week or so at a time though, right?    I can explain.

It started Wednesday, a little tickle in my nose, some sneezing during the day, a general feeling of “Meh”.   By Wednesday night, I had morphed into full on “kill me now honey before I sneeze and snee myself one more time….”   (He didn’t take me up on it fearing jail time, though at the time I’m sure it sounded at least a little tempting.)    I finally put myself to bed around 10:00 and woke up at 3:30 am with my throat swollen shut.

Because I am a five year old trapped in a 44 year old womans body the only thing that was going to make me happy at this un-Godly hour was an Orange sugar free Popsicle.     Dragged myself to the kitchen, stared blearily into the freezer only to find an empty box mocking me.   No popsicles.    Just a box…laughing at me.   I blew my nose a few times, sneezed some more, possibly cried a few tears of self pity, took a Benadryl and went back to bed. I drifted off around 4:00 am cursing those adorable little people I call my children for torturing me so and leaving me Popsicle-less.

You can imagine what went through my mind when I heard the familiar ping of my iPhone letting me know I had received a  text at 4:14 am.   I sat bolt upright in bed and then marched back to the kitchen wondering if somehow Tiger Woods has mistaken my number and added me to his ever growing list of texting buddies.

Turns out it wasn’t Tiger (who I could have made some money from), it was my dentist (who wanted money from me).   Witness:

You know, okay…I’ll admit that perhaps I have neglected my choppers as of late.  I’ve been busy with work. And then some more work. And after that? More work. I’m just going to go on the record here and say that perhaps 8:14 am might have been a more appropriate time, or 9:14, or 10:14 or…you get my drift.

So Thursday am as I lay in bed trying to breathe, I began my personal jihad to find out exactly who at his office thought this was a good idea.    After about 10 attempts to get through, I finally got a live human somewhere around 10:00.

Her:    Good Morning!   Dr. Smiles office, how may I help you?
TSM: I’d like the office manager please. ::ah-choo!::
Her: Goodness, you don’t sound good.
TSM: You think? (blowing nose for extra classy effect)
Her: Well, I’m the office manager, how may I help you?
TSM: I’d like to know which one of you is the marketing genius that sent me a text message at 4:14 am.
Her: Oh my, did that happen to you? ::giggle giggle::
TSM: No, I’m making this up because I have nothing better to do. ::cough cough::
Her: Well, we’ve hired a company to do our texts and obviously that was a mistake.
TSM: Obviously.
Her: You should be glad you weren’t with the group of people who got texted at 3:00 am the day before! ::snicker::
TSM: There is always a silver lining isn’t there?
Her: Well, we are sorry. So would you like to book that appointment now?
TSM: Excuse me?
Her: I said (because I truly sounded like something might be seriously wrong with me) we are sor-ry. Would you like to book your ap-point-ment now.
TSM: Take my name off the list immediately, the next text I get, I’m tracking you and Dr. Smile down at home and calling you to let you know how unhappy I really am. Try me lady.

Click.

I spent the rest of the week in a Benadryl haze, sleeping with my mouth hanging open as I dozed on the sofa making gurgling sounds. (I like to make sure you get the full picture so you feel sorry for The Man…because you really should…it was not pretty.)

So tell me, think it’s time for me to find a new dentist? Or should I just pay back the favor and text him at 4:14 am? Maybe both…