And Now The List Of Things I Don’t Want For Christmas

I know, I know…there are only a few days left until the big day and you have no idea what to get me yet.  It’s a common problem, and as always I am here to be helpful so here is a short list of things I don’t want.

Thing One:

The “I’m Not A Paper Cup” Cup

Bad Christmas gifts 3

Cost:  $19.95

Reason for disdain:   If it looks like a paper cup, and it acts like a paper cup…chances are it’s a paper cup.   I don’t care if it double insulates, it’s a paper cup disguised in eco-smart porcelain clothing.   I can get this same look at Costco for 19.95…and I can get 100 of them.    Or I can stick to my fancy Starbucks mug that no longer carries actual Starbucks  because I cannot bring myself to pay five bucks for a cup of coffee.   It works all the way around.  Starbucks gets their free marketing and I paid them twenty dollars to do it and  look fancy and stuff.  Everyone’s a winner.

Thing Two:

Plastic Chair Covers

Bad Christmas gifts 4

Price:  $11.95

Reason for disdain:   Nothing says “Welcome to my home for dinner…however, I don’t trust you not to be a filthy slob” like these seat covers.   I can see using them for kids, in fact I took it one level further and demonstrated my classiness by wrapping the chairs in cartoon towels (true story) but these are apparently for all your guests.   I mean, I guess I can see it for that one guest we had that food continually fell out of her mouth because she was drunk and couldn’t stop talking during dinner before spilling an entire bottle of red wine all over the table and chairs….oh, wait…that was me.  Nevermind.

Thing Three:

Pooping Reindeer Candy

Bad Christmas gifts 2

Price:   $4.99

Reason for disdain:   Can anything bring more joy to a parents eyes than watching their children eat reindeer poop on Christmas morning as the lights twinkle and they joyously rip open presents?   I’m going to have to say that our family will stick with the traditional holiday treats for breakfast, blueberry muffins and copious amounts of Hershey’s kisses.   Poop is not on the menu this year.  Or any year.

Thing Four:

More Reindeer poo candy.

Bad Christmas Gifts 1

Price:  $3.99

Reason for disdain:     Quite frankly, I’m seeing a trend developing here that disturbs me and I cannot speak about this one without throwing up a little in my mouth.   Or maybe a lot.  Also, his teeth are brown.   I don’t think I want to know any more about this particular craze.  ACK.

Thing Five:

Slipper  Microfinger Shoes

Bad Christmas gifts 5

Price:  $9.95

Reason for disdain: My floors are a hot mess.  I don’t need you to remind me.   Also, I would be tempted to slide across the floors in a Risky Business style like Tom Cruise.   (Minus the washboard abs and tighty whities…just to be clear)   Let’s add into this that  I’m horribly uncoordinated.  This can only end in disaster.  Buy me these and I’ll make you clean the floor yourself.    Or have you pay my hospital bill when I crash into a wall. Trust me, you don’t either situation.

Thing Six:

Olevetti Manual Typewriter

Bad christmas gifts 7

Price:  $149.00

Reason for disdain:   Wow.  I wish I had a way to jot down my thoughts in a convenient manner.    Hand writing can be such a bore.    I could get one of these and maybe write something every now and again.   Or I could turn on the computer box and go to that Google machine thing everyone has been talking about and see if that works.   I hear the interwebz are catching on,  but I’m still skeptical.    Also,  I do so love the smell of white out.

And the final thing….Thing Seven:

Ambient 7-day Weather Forecaster

Bad Christmas gifts 6Price:  $149.95

Reason for disdain:   While I’d like to know the seven day weather forecast, I think this is entirely too much to spend in this economy.   If only someone had thought to invent someplace you could go on the previously mentioned computer box Google machine thing where you could get this info for free.   That?  Would be totally awesome.   Oh wait, already did that.

I promise you that each and every single one of these gifts are things I found online after months, days, hours, okay…minutes of research.

Enjoy your holiday shopping!

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  1. Andria said:

    Whew. I’m glad you didn’t list the Snuggie, Bumpits, or the Strap-Mate, because that’s what I’m getting you for Christmas!

    And, since you are so fierce, you are getting the leopard printed Snuggie. RAAWWWWRRRRR!

  2. stoneskin said:

    You realise that the main problem with the paper cup that isn’t a paper cup is that someone (like me) would end up binning it. Note, I’d chuck it in the recycling bin (I’m not a maniac), not the main trash.

  3. Jan said:

    *gag* Candy poo. *gag again* I don’t understand the minds that A) conceived this and 2) think it’s amusing.

    I’m rather glad about that, frankly.

  4. The Dental Maven said:

    Okay. So I guess the Chia Pet that I got for you is fine.

  5. vodkamom said:

    I guess I should take back the Reindeer and his poop. Damn. I thought it was perfect for you.

  6. The Peach Tart said:

    I think I’ll pass on them all.

  7. Working Mommy said:

    What a great list!! I was going to say something about a Chia Pet – but it looks like TDM already covered that…damn!


  8. Michele said:

    Add the Chia head to that list (looks too much like my brother) and I’m with you on everything.

  9. Weezy said:

    Well – that certainly narrows down the gift field. Lucy got a lovely pink doggie Snuggie courtesy of the company gift exchange. Perhaps matching Snuggies for you and Mr. Potter would be just the thing…

  10. aimee said:

    Thank goodness for this list! The problem is that if I sent it to my brother as things not to get me, he’d surely get me one of them!

  11. Sprite's Keeper said:

    Love it! I don’t care what you say, I’m adding this to the Spin Cycle for wish lists!
    You’re linked, ha!

  12. MIL said:

    Hey, you didn’t list Chia pet. Does that mean you want one?

  13. MIL said:

    Sorry, I didn’t read the other comments before I left mine. But, by the way, I love my leopard print Snuggie!

  14. Margarita said:

    What a great list of crap. I hated the ‘not a paper cup’ cup forever. Seriously, ever since is showed up a few years ago on the gift shelf in my book store, I was intrigued, I must admit, but it’s so … PLAIN. And ugh. I mean, Starbucks DOES make cuter mugs. So too bad, so sad. No fake paper cup for me.

  15. foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog) said:

    I’m going to confess that when I first saw that ‘not a paper cup’ thing a few months ago, I wanted one and I wanted one bad. Then I remembered that I don’t drink hot drinks (aside from a random hot chocolate in the winter) so I suppose just save your money to buy me something else. Perhaps icy and cold. Like diamonds.


  16. Irish Gumbo said:

    Well, da%$it, what am I supposed to NOT get you this year? Hey, wait, would you not like a Flowbee? You could maybe not use a trim…:)

  17. The Mother said:

    No, wait! What’s wrong with the good old days of manual typewriters, where everything one typed had to be done from one end to the other without any editing or changes?

    What’s wrong with that?

  18. bex said:

    it would appear that you pulled all of these gift ideas out of skymall. and i know how much you travel … i’m on to you stiletto!

  19. Southern Belle Mama said:

    I am in agreement with all of the items on your list except the cleaning slippers. My floors are a hot mess too, and if cleaning them could be as easy as padding around in slippers I’m game! But somehow I fear it’s just not that easy.

  20. Loukia said:

    Haha… great list… this stuff would be on my ‘what not to buy me’ list, too! I saw those ‘looks like a paper cup but not’ cups today at Chapters and I was like, ‘no thanks!’ And those slippers? Ick!

  21. Ann said:

    Love this list!

    You know that “Paper Cup” – ceramic mug? It just confuses my senses. (Kinda like popcorn flavored Jelly Bellies. I keep expecting a crunch… and it’s just not there.)

  22. justmakingmyway said:

    Wait – you don’t like the reindeer poop thing? Damn.

  23. Patty said:

    I love these! I’m with you on the weird slipper/mop thingies. I would totally kill myself in a pair of them. Getting some for my kids might be another story, though. I could have double the pleasure of watching them clean the floor AND wipe out.

  24. Stacy (the Random Cool Chick) said:

    Princess Nagger tried to talk me into buying one of those reindeer pooping candy thingies since I collect deer items. I declined. ;)

    I guess I should have had a ‘not’ list last year – hubby went with ‘practical’ gifts for me, and one of them included an Ambient 5-day Weather Forecaster. Princess Nagger gets a lot more enjoyment out of that than I do. ;)

  25. D.M. Wright said:

    Awesome! What not to get – so funny! Loved the chair covers! I totally need those for my sloppy, messy kids, however!! Great list!

  26. Kate Coveny Hood said:

    The plastic chair cover reminds me of my cousin Emmett. He was the youngest by years and was definitely treated like a little kid in formal dinner seating arrangements. Finally when he turned eight, he implored, “why do I always have to sit on a towel?”

  27. The Mouthy Housewives » TMH Seal of Approval said:

    [...] and become a better person.  This week we bestow the Seal of Approval on Stiletto Mom for her post And Now A List of Things I Don’t Want for Christmas. Thanks, Stiletto Mom! May your stocking be free of these [...]

  28. CoftheU said:

    OMG. My brother got me those slippers as a gag gift for my &*%st birthday this year. (They don’t work, because, DUH, I don’t walk behind my recliner and under my tables or make wide sweeping motions as I walk from the refrigerator to my bedroom.) And I totally did the Risky Business thing in them and then uh . . . well. Suffice it to say that writing down “I was Risky Business-ing” as a reason for today’s visit to the ER when I BROKE MY KNEECAP was lame and no one got the reference. Seriously? No one? Is this thing on?

  29. Jen said:

    Found you from the Mouthy Housewives. Love this post. The reindeer poop does frighten me. I agree this is a disturbing trend. I’ll be back to visit.

  30. Christine said:

    Okay, about thing number three. Last year, a relative gave my kids a pooping Santa! And the poop was candy! It was wrong on so many levels.

  31. Lynn @ human, being said:

    I [heart] my not a paper cup because it allows me to a) get a discount at the coffee shop in my building by bringing my own cup and b) look like I’m all green and cool and stuff.

    Mine was only $14.95. It actually keeps my coffee hot and doesn’t allow me to spill down the front of my shirt as I drink and walk, unlike my regular coffee cup. Did I mention it looks cool?

    But the plastic seat covers? Those would make a great White Elephant gift.

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