I know, I know…there are only a few days left until the big day and you have no idea what to get me yet. It’s a common problem, and as always I am here to be helpful so here is a short list of things I don’t want.
Thing One:
The “I’m Not A Paper Cup” Cup
Cost: $19.95
Reason for disdain: If it looks like a paper cup, and it acts like a paper cup…chances are it’s a paper cup. I don’t care if it double insulates, it’s a paper cup disguised in eco-smart porcelain clothing. I can get this same look at Costco for 19.95…and I can get 100 of them. Or I can stick to my fancy Starbucks mug that no longer carries actual Starbucks because I cannot bring myself to pay five bucks for a cup of coffee. It works all the way around. Starbucks gets their free marketing and I paid them twenty dollars to do it and look fancy and stuff. Everyone’s a winner.
Thing Two:
Plastic Chair Covers
Price: $11.95
Reason for disdain: Nothing says “Welcome to my home for dinner…however, I don’t trust you not to be a filthy slob” like these seat covers. I can see using them for kids, in fact I took it one level further and demonstrated my classiness by wrapping the chairs in cartoon towels (true story) but these are apparently for all your guests. I mean, I guess I can see it for that one guest we had that food continually fell out of her mouth because she was drunk and couldn’t stop talking during dinner before spilling an entire bottle of red wine all over the table and chairs….oh, wait…that was me. Nevermind.
Thing Three:
Pooping Reindeer Candy
Price: $4.99
Reason for disdain: Can anything bring more joy to a parents eyes than watching their children eat reindeer poop on Christmas morning as the lights twinkle and they joyously rip open presents? I’m going to have to say that our family will stick with the traditional holiday treats for breakfast, blueberry muffins and copious amounts of Hershey’s kisses. Poop is not on the menu this year. Or any year.
Thing Four:
More Reindeer poo candy.
Price: $3.99
Reason for disdain: Quite frankly, I’m seeing a trend developing here that disturbs me and I cannot speak about this one without throwing up a little in my mouth. Or maybe a lot. Also, his teeth are brown. I don’t think I want to know any more about this particular craze. ACK.
Thing Five:
Slipper Microfinger Shoes
Price: $9.95
Reason for disdain: My floors are a hot mess. I don’t need you to remind me. Also, I would be tempted to slide across the floors in a Risky Business style like Tom Cruise. (Minus the washboard abs and tighty whities…just to be clear) Let’s add into this that I’m horribly uncoordinated. This can only end in disaster. Buy me these and I’ll make you clean the floor yourself. Or have you pay my hospital bill when I crash into a wall. Trust me, you don’t either situation.
Thing Six:
Olevetti Manual Typewriter
Price: $149.00
Reason for disdain: Wow. I wish I had a way to jot down my thoughts in a convenient manner. Hand writing can be such a bore. I could get one of these and maybe write something every now and again. Or I could turn on the computer box and go to that Google machine thing everyone has been talking about and see if that works. I hear the interwebz are catching on, but I’m still skeptical. Also, I do so love the smell of white out.
And the final thing….Thing Seven:
Ambient 7-day Weather Forecaster
Price: $149.95
Reason for disdain: While I’d like to know the seven day weather forecast, I think this is entirely too much to spend in this economy. If only someone had thought to invent someplace you could go on the previously mentioned computer box Google machine thing where you could get this info for free. That? Would be totally awesome. Oh wait, weather.com already did that.
I promise you that each and every single one of these gifts are things I found online after months, days, hours, okay…minutes of research.
Enjoy your holiday shopping!
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