Customer Service? No, We Don’t Offer That Here…
Over the break, I did something I rarely do. I cleaned out one (of four) of my email inboxes. To put this in perspective, and also to fully demonstrate to you what an email hoarder I am, these are the counts in my inboxes in order:
- Yahoo: 10,000+
- Work: 7,533
- Gmail (blog): 1,499
- Gmail (personal): 7
So needless to tell you, I settled on cleaning out the personal Gmail account because the others just scare the hell out of me. However, in digging through my Yahoo account, I did find this little gem which I think might have been the start of my blogging career. It’s a rant that I sent off to a customer service department after a routine rug cleaning went horribly wrong. I won’t say the company name but many of you may recognize them from this spokesmodel picture which honestly should have been my first clue that this would not go well.
August, 2006
Dear Person(s) who do(es) not answer phones:
I am writing to you because I cannot get a single member of your “customer service” team to respond to me. And I will not be ignored.
I had my rugs picked up on July 7th. The person who picked them up told me I would have them back in five business days. I called a week later only to be told it was a two week process…which, fine, whatever.
Two weeks later, after dutifully waiting for someone from your team to call me, I called again to check on the status and also to schedule that long promised re-do on my floors after that unfortunate accident involving the application of wax on a real wood floor. Turns out those warnings all over the product were serious. Who knew? I now live in what feels like an ice skating rink minus…you know…the ice, which makes the job of moving into a new house exceptionally challenging. The children and the dog would like to thank you though, never have you seen such happy faces as they whiz by us at break neck speeds. I’d tell you how sad they look when the eventually crash into a wall, but that would be overkill.
Anyway, I called in again and was left on hold for FIFTEEN MINUTES. I hung up and tried again and lo and behold, someone named Simone answered my call and told me my rugs would be delivered Saturday between the hours of 8 – 10. I was so happy to hear this and I trusted and believed what Simone had told me. Until 10:30 when I realized two things. My rugs were not coming and Simone is a filthy liar.
So I called in again. I have to tell you that I plan on reciting your looped hold recording as my next party trick because this time I was left on hold for TWELVE MINUTES. Either there are just a whole lot of rug emergencies in Dallas or you may want to consider staffing up a bit. Think about it.
The girl I finally got through to got the giggles when she told me my customer service rep who was in possession of my rugs for delivery had run out of gas along the way and was now stranded on the side of the highway. Perhaps in your training you should mention that little blinking red light means, “Need gas now.” Again, it’s a thought and you should know I plan on sending you a bill for my management consulting at this point.
One hour later I called in again for a few reasons. My rugs had still not arrived but more importantly, I was really starting to miss the information on your looped recording. Fortunately for me I was able to catch up on everything because this time I was left on hold for TEN MINUTES only to finally be assisted by someone who not only could not find a record of my rugs anywhere, but also could not find the stranded driver. After a good thirty minutes of frantic searching for both, the driver and rugs were located and I was told they would arrive at my house between 2-4.
I”m sure you will be shocked to hear it’s now 5:30 and I am without my rugs. I tried to call in again, fearing you may have changed the loop and I might miss some new and exciting information, and patiently waited for SEVEN MINUTES only to be disconnected. I called back one final time only to learn that you shut all your lines off promptly at 5:00 and if you happen to be the sucker waiting patiently for a live human? Well too bad about you. Here’s a little secret, most companies clear out their lines at the end of the day rather than shutting them down and hanging up on waiting, paying customers.
The consulting bill you will receive from me is growing by the moment, in case you hadn’t noticed.
Let me assure you that if I do not receive a phone call with a worthwhile apology and a promise that I will receive my rugs at some point in this lifetime, I will be informing your owner who lives a few streets away from me by banging loudly on her door until she answers. Barring that, I will buy every single green wig in Texas and burn them in effegy in front of your offices on a daily basis until this is resolved.
Do I have your attention now?
Thought so,
TSM
Oh. My. God. I LOVE THIS LETTER!! Mostly because it sounds like something I would write! The man seems to think that my temper usually gets the best of me, but I think my reactions are necessary some times. Good for you…I hope you got the response you wanted (and free rug cleanings for life)!!
~Working Mommy
Come on by, stay for a while and leave a comment or two!!
Why do none of the people who piss me off not live a few blocks from me? What an effective threat! I could totally get behind that.
So, did you burn the wigs, didja, didja? ‘Cause that would have been double awesome!
FABULOUS!!!!!!! I write letters like this ALL the time!! It’s the only way to get their attention. The “greasy wheel that squeaks” works!!
OMG, yes yes yes! So did you get the rugs?!? Or is that poor driver still stranded by the road, all these months and years later?
Yeah, but were they CLEAN?
(Seriously, that’s awful. Are they still in business??)
I’m still trying to get over the green wig, and the fact that you thought you’d find another one, even in a state as large as Texas.
The wig. It is green. It will haunt me.
So…the outcome?
This gave me flashbacks to the time I spent a lovely afternoon having to call our cable/internet provider over and over because the customer service lady insisted she wasn’t hanging up on me after having put me on hold for several (plus several more) minutes, and I had to finally tell her I wasn’t just calling her back all the time because I had a crush on her voice.
It also reminds me how badly my carpets need cleaned. Personal carpet cleaning system FTW!! Now, if I could just convince my husband to do it for me…
So, did you ever get your rugs?
Did you burn the wigs in effigy?
I surely hope you didn’t have to pay for them and that the rugs arrived back at your place in good condition.
Love it!
I’m with everyone else, did you get your rugs back? Can we look forward to the resolution as tomorrow’s post? Please, pretty please?
Rugs were returned eventually…damaged. Refund was extricated forcefully from the credit card company after many weeks. Apology was never issued and the name of the company that you should never give your money to was…KIWI!
The Man commented!!!! Oh my.
And KIWI = pig fuckers.
(I know you’ve been waiting for me to show up and call the pig fuckers, pig fuckers.)
It is a wonderful letter. The little tangent about the children and dog sliding by, the carefully crafted sarcasm, it is a total gem.
Part of my “real world” job is customer service. And I’ve occasionally gotten letters like this – usually about something someone else has done so that by the time the person gets to me, they are so pissed that the letters are ragey (and not funny like this one) and then the bleeding heart side of me gets sad and a little weepy that someone is mad at me.
I’m not really cut out for customer service. I think my heart is too big. Also, I’m kind of a sucker.
It must have taken some serious restraint not to put the name of that cleaner on your website.
Devil’s Advocate – All that time on hold might have been the perfect opportunity to clean out your Yahoo mail account. Just saying.
But really, you must let us know how this turned out. I hope you at least got something free out of these folks. Or got to start the big green haired bonfire!
Remind me never to piss you off.
Okay, so you got the rugs back, but damaged, you were refunded by the credit card company…so did you get compensated for the damage? (I’m guessing not.)
Are these people even still in business?
It would be so hard for me not to go stand in front of that business owner’s house with a picket sign that said, “Where are my rugs?” I wouldn’t because with my luck I’d be arrested for harassment or something. Never mind that, what the company did at the time was theft…
I’m curious…what other emails did you have stashed away?
Next time I have a dispute with a company could I get you to write the complaining email? Mine never sound that good. They are a lot more whiny.
hahahaha, awesome. My email inboxes are like that too, and I am totally in denial that I have to do something about it. Sigh.
I would also write a letter like that. Shitty customer services pisses me off almost as much as Jonas Brothers haters
Have I told you lately how much I love you and enjoy your disgruntledness? Is that a word?
Did you get your rugs? I feel like you left us hanging….
From here on out I want to hire you as my “Writer Of All Things”.
You’re fantastic. (Oh how I wish I could come over with a bottle of wine and have you write to someone I’m very “disgruntled” with right now!)
God, I love a good complaint letter. This one rocked the house . . .
So when did you finally get your rugs . . . ?
I swear that could have been AT&T. That is why I do not have an Iphone.
I really don’t know why you can’t say the company name. I’m always puzzled by such restraint.
Why can’t retailers take a lesson from Target? That is exactly what my last post was about. They gave me APOLOGY COUPONS!! for a hassle caused by MY insurance company at the pharmacy counter.
Mind you, Target wasn’t the cause of the problem. I just had to wait for the mess to be straightened out which they did!