Waiting For The Other Shoe To Drop
Wow, I’ve been pretty absent this week. I have a reason though. The Man has been out of town this week with our son at his 5th grade camp and I have been here with Miss G just waiting for something to happen.
Paranoid you say? Pfft I say to you. You see, history plays on my side on this particular subject because every time The Man leaves town, something bad happens at the house.
Cases in point:
1996: The Man goes to The Olympics in Atlanta to work for his Dad’s company who was the official provider of Margaritas at the event. Centennial Park is bombed and all cell phone coverage goes dead. I stayed awake all night thinking he was dead, he slept soundly through the entire thing and wondered why I was hysterical when he called me upon waking the next morning.
1998: The Man takes off for Australia with his Dad on an all expenses paid business trip. The dog we had then had been recently diagnosed with diabetes and while he spent the week petting Koala bears, I spent my time cleaning up pee and giving injections to a snarling Schnauzer. Also, the cat dies days before he leaves and I am left with nothing to carry around in my arms like a baby. Exactly nine months after his arrival back on American soil, Mr. C arrived to fill the void.
2001: The Man leaves for training to open his new golf store. My best friends Mom dies and he is immediately summoned home. Not only are we both incredibly sad because we loved her so much, but I am also pregnant with Miss G and cannot contain my emotions for one minute, let alone take care of our toddler son.
2002: The Man leaves for Florida for a golf show in January. Texas turns into Antartica overnight and we get the biggest freeze we have had in ages. After collecting toddler son from pre-school, arrive home to find our driveway has turned into a geyser as a main pipe has frozen and burst through the brick wall. Exit car to try and fix it myself, freeze half to death, further reinforce proper use of eff bombs to same toddler son who has already demonstrated his prowess in such matters after getting soaked with freezing gush of water in less than 30 degree temps. Water to house is shut off for 24 hours, which can be an issue when you have a potty training son.
2003: The Man leaves for another golf show and the dog escapes. Not Mr. Potter for he is far to slow to cause an issue, this dog was a Shiba Inu who could sprint faster than Carl Lewis and was brilliant in her ability to cover territory not suited for human feet. This happens as a toddling Miss G is wreaking havoc on our home and as a UPS Man arrives to deliver a package. Torn between leaving her with the UPS Man so I can sprint after the dog myself, I opt to carry her along and offer the UPS Man ten bucks to join me in the hunt. UPS Man declines, I spend an hour running after a dog I didn’t like very much in the first place while carrying a 22 pound toddler in my arms. Toddler vomits all over me, chase continues until dog is secured and dragged back to house growling while Miss G screams and neighbors look on in horror. Did I mention I was in my PJ’s while this happened? No? Well that would just be overkill.
I never let him leave me alone after those incidents. But when Mr. C came to us and said he’d really like one of us to be there with him at camp…I had no choice. So for the past several weeks, I have braced myself for what could go wrong here. I’ve had some strange lights coming on in my car for service, didn’t have time to check. Swine flu is everywhere and I was on a plane this week with a guy who sounded like he was spitting a lung behind me. Miss G is getting ready for a cheer competition and I am scared to death they are going to drop from her moving pyramid and break something. Also, the toilet broke last week…he fixed it but I’m giving it the side eye for a repeat episode.
But you know what? So far the only thing that has gone wrong is my complete inability to charge the phones around here leaving me without a way to verbally communicate with anyone for long periods of time. Which honestly, could be a blessing for those I stalk on the phone.
Not bad…but we still have a few hours to go…wish me luck in breaking the cycle!
Uh….Good luck! Sort of glad I decided not to come up for the conference on copyright this week. The last thing you needed was my klutzy self gumming up the works.
Yeah, I’d be waiting for the other shoe to drop too. Will be thinking good thoughts for you.
I am totally traumatized by the dog running away/toddler vomiting/UPS guy not helping. So what HAS Brown done for me lately???
I hope that you break the curse. Just don’t go near the toilet.
Hmm…maybe something horrible has already happened, and you simply don’t know it yet because you failed to charge the phones. Okay, that was rather pessimistic of me, right?
Maybe you should break something. Like a glass or something. Then some of the curse might be lifted…
Perhaps Murphy is lulling you into a false sense of security with this trip.
But…when was the last time you had your period?
the man must stay.
this much i understand.
Every major injury one of my kids had was when dad was on call, and so not around or even useful. Came to be a running joke around our house.
Dang that Murphy…see, now that you’ve told us that you know something will (probably/possibly) go wrong because it always does, nothing bad is going to happen this time. This can be bad, too…because when you tell your hubby you don’t like when he’s gone because something goes wrong, he’ll tell you, “No, I went to Mr. C’s fifth-grade camp and everything was fine, so…” But You.Know.Better. And no one will believe you. Trust me, I’ve been there…well, not chasing a dog in my pjs, but the water thing, yeah, and the wondering if my husband is safe. (Oh, and the eff bombs…well, my middle daughter would make a drunken sailor blush. I pretend she learned it from her father.)
Hopefully this will end the streak?
I’m getting good vibes on this one. Miss G will be just fine.
Shouldn’t you be giving that toilet the ’stinkeye’ instead of the side eye?
Jay-zus, SM, I’m exhausted and frightened just reading that! Good luck, fingers crossed, hope it all works out with no mishaps. Whew.
That’s a hell of a track record. Kind of like when The Mister is gone, all the short people get sick. And voila, just like clockwork, HELLO HINEY FLU!!!
I’m off to make sweet love with my Maker’s Mark in the hopes of killing any nasty bacteria I’ve acquired from them.
Man up woman! Give that Murphy guy a kick in the crotch and take control.
Girl, you’re in the clear. I hear the Fort Hood situation has been contained.
Well perhaps the curse is broken
Omg, hilarious. Hope everything went well for you. I have a friend who ended up pregnant every time her husband returned from a trip — 7 kids later, she’s finally strapped him to a chair in the living room….
I will keep my fingers crossed and thanks for the reminder to not get any pets while i’m still single
I want to know how the last few hours went now!
Whew! I hope you survived!
I tend to stay very close to home when hubby is gone. Who am I kidding…I rarely leave home when he is here. I think I have a problem.