Mother Of The Year

by Mary Anne on October 21, 2009

Great news everyone! I think I managed to cinch the title of Mother of the Year on Monday! I know we were all in competition for this one so I thought it was only fair that I let you know the competition is pretty much over and you can stop trying.

Since it’s over for this year, I thought I’d share with you a few simple steps in which you too can gain the upper hand in battle for this most auspicious honor.

STEP ONE: CREATE GENDER CONFUSION

Go out and buy your 5th grade son a new pair of Chucks. Send him to school in said Chucks thinking what a cool Mom you really are. Allow your jaw to drop in horror when said 5th grade son comes home from school, promptly walks into your office, throws these spiffy new shoes on the floor and informs you that the Chucks with the stars are for girls.

STEP TWO: DON’T LET UP ON THE FAIL PEDAL

Since you have mortified said 5th grade son by sending him to school in girls shoes, be sure to keep a healthy dose of fail going by missing being there for an important moment. Die a million small deaths when this same son comes home from his Boy Scout meeting and tells you that tonight was the night they handed out badges and all the other parents were there to pose for pictures with their kids. Remind yourself this is his first year at Scouting and you still don’t know what the hell is going on just yet. Then have same son tell you it’s okay, he understands you have no idea what you are doing and he loves you anyway. Resume dying a million deaths.

STEP THREE: CREATE LASTING DAMAGE

This is the most challenging step. Having mortified and alienated your 5th grade son, you should now turn your attention to your 2nd grade daughter, because you want to make sure they are treated equally. After absorbing horrific events inflicted upon your son, you should definitely allow yourself to have a glass or two of wine. As both your children are preparing for bed, you should peer at your daughters face and proclaim her bangs entirely too long. Since she is in 2nd grade and becoming very well aware of her looks, what you should do is this, decide to give her a “little trim”. Do not wet bangs, do not cut in straight line (because you can’t under the best circumstances and the only reason you think you can right now is that little bit of wine you allowed yourself to have) and above all, make sure they are good and short so you don’t have to do this again anytime soon.

bangs

Note: New bangs are showcased by scalping remaining hair back in pony tail, lest anyone think I did something REALLY CRAZY to her hair.

STEP FOUR: HIGHLIGHT YOUR ACCOMPLISHMENTS

Upon awakening, feign innocence when your daughter says to you, “Mom, these are way too short.” Try to look nonchalant when she adds, “Also, they are crooked.” Quickly master the fine art of lying when she reminds you that she has a big cheer competition in two weeks and in a backhanded way say, “Pfft. It’ll grow out by then…”. Put daughters hair in ponytail to highlight your work. Think to yourself proudly that while this same daughter managed to butcher her bangs exactly one year ago, you have done a far superior job. Smile smugly as you send her off to school watching her pull on her bangs in attempt to “grow them out faster” knowing that it will now be impossible to beat you in this competition because you are just that awesome.

I have to run now, I have my speech to prepare but I do wish you well in your attempts to win Mother of the Year next year….follow my lead and you are a shoe in!

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Get In Line…I’m A Contender For Mother Of The Year AGAIN
March 24, 2011 at 5:33 pm

{ 69 comments }

1 Liz October 21, 2009 at 7:26 am

Holy crap, this is HILARIOUS. I almost snorted coffee out of my nose. And I thought I HAD WON THIS AWARD in May.. http://but-then-i-had-kids.blogspot.com/2009/05/mother-of-yearnot.html
I can so relate!!!

2 Becky October 21, 2009 at 7:43 am

Let me be the first to offer my congratulations!!!

HA HA HA I am dying! I think your three-pronged attack is really what clinched it with the judges.

Miss G always looks cute! Even with those bangs. And I’m sure years of therapy will heal the wounds inflicted by the girl shoes. (Who knew?)

3 Lisa October 21, 2009 at 7:49 am

Aw man. Sadly, this makes me feel better about my myriad shortcomings as a mom. Somehow, they all grow up anyhow.

4 Lisa October 21, 2009 at 7:50 am

PS: Most of our children will grow up and be at least fairly normal, well-adjusted adults. Cheers.

5 foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog) October 21, 2009 at 7:56 am

Hold up! There’s a science to Chucks?! I had no idea! Good thing my personal pair are covered in skulls instead of stars!

6 tysdaddy October 21, 2009 at 8:05 am

I read this in my Reader, and didn’t notice the picture until I scrolled down. You owe me a new laptop . . .

7 Cassie October 21, 2009 at 8:46 am

You just made my morning! Let me say the look on your daughters face totally expresses her feelings.

8 Michele October 21, 2009 at 9:16 am

Congratulations on your recent win and your service to momkind.

By outlining these steps for a new generation of moms you have performed a valuable service.

I have also won “Mother of the Year” several *cough hundred cough* years ago with the same 4 prong approach. Mine included hair cutting mastery, apparel mishaps, and school photo day.

9 Sprite's Keeper October 21, 2009 at 9:24 am

How about I get runner up for not recognizing my own child? :-)

10 tuesday October 21, 2009 at 9:26 am

I did a small trim on my daughters hair the other day. it was only then that I realized the scissors were DULL.
The hair? not so good.

11 DCUrbanDad October 21, 2009 at 9:48 am

Just so you know Coca-cola burns when it comes through the nose. So just like you owe tysdaddy a new computer, you owe me a new nose, now that the inside has been thoroughly burned through.

12 Jan October 21, 2009 at 10:03 am

Well, I proudly pass the crown on to you.

http://www.jbsitedesigns.com/?p=503

13 Middle-Aged-Woman October 21, 2009 at 10:17 am

Not the best week then, huh?

14 The Mother October 21, 2009 at 10:20 am

Have 15 yo BOY go through your closet looking for a DRESS to wear for homecoming.

Explain to 15 yo boy that if he shaves his black hairy legs, those angry scars from his bike accident will look god awful under the dress.

Watch boy sigh and ask if he can buy new jeans. Pump fists in ecstasy that he will be going to homecoming as a BOY.

Tell story to your MOTHER, who reminds you that he could have just worn opaque tights.

THANKS, MOM.

Don’t talk to me about gender confusion. I have that one NAILED.

15 [email protected] October 21, 2009 at 10:39 am

You are hysterical! Where were you when I was destroying MY kids’ lives?

16 MarathonMom October 21, 2009 at 11:38 am

I don’t know…..sending your kids up in a jiffy pop is a pretty good contender.

17 Keely October 21, 2009 at 12:13 pm

Those are crooked?

18 the mayor October 21, 2009 at 1:00 pm

I can see I’m going to have to show you some bang trimming tips.

As for Mother Of The Year Award, you are a mere rookie. Try sending your 14 year old son to school with 2 broken wrists (trampoline incident).True story, 1997.

19 pamela October 21, 2009 at 1:15 pm

You are the best.

20 Cathy October 21, 2009 at 4:16 pm

And they’ll never let you forget it, either. My daughters, now 25 and 23, gleefully relive every one of my mother-of-the-year moments. Sorry, but you deserve to know the truth!

21 Kate Coveny Hood October 21, 2009 at 4:33 pm

I tried to give my boys haircuts once. That will never happen again.

22 Weezy October 21, 2009 at 4:40 pm

LMFAO!!!!

23 just making my way October 21, 2009 at 5:12 pm

Damn! I was seriously in the running for this contest! *shaking fist*

But I totally bow down to your bang trimming prowess. And your humiliation and alienation of your 5th grader. Isn’t it awful when they comfort you on your shortcomings?!?

24 Petra aka The Wise (Young) Mommy October 21, 2009 at 5:13 pm

LMAO.

Aw honey, I am sure I have given you quite a run for your money!

25 ralph October 21, 2009 at 5:17 pm

i would like to thank…..
i’m looking forward to this acceptance speech.

26 sarah October 21, 2009 at 5:42 pm

Oh well – they may be scarred for life, but I am entertained so… that counts for something!

27 The Lawyer Mom October 21, 2009 at 6:42 pm

Sweet little G. She’s too cute to mess up, even if you did give her Jughead bangs.

28 Bobbi October 21, 2009 at 8:39 pm

Think of it this way, now they have something to tell their shrink when they get older!

29 Jim Styro October 21, 2009 at 9:13 pm

This is why most dads sit around and do as little as possible (or so I’ve heard).

It reminds me of the Dilbert cartoon where Wally is having a performance discussion with the pointy-haired Boss. Wally points out that everyone else on the team has been managing projects that have been spectacular failures, costing the company huge sums of money – while he has been sitting around – day in, day out – drinking coffee. In comparison to his co-workers, Wally says, he has been the team’s top performer. As the pointed-haired boss’ eyes narrow with controlled anger, Wally concludes with this taunt:

“Watch and learn”.

30 vodkamom October 22, 2009 at 3:54 am

That makes it official. You are one of us. And for this particular display, you can be president for the week. However, i’m sure by Sunday someone ELSE will have stepped forward to reclaim it.

31 The Dental Maven October 22, 2009 at 5:50 am

Can we have a little help here from the retail community??? I TOO have fallen victim to the non-gender-neutral shoe scam and have paid dearly for that error. How ’bout separating the shoes into readily identifiable male and female sections? Y’know, like they did in the olden days??? Sheeesh!

32 LazyMom October 22, 2009 at 10:56 am

You tell these stories like they are a bad thing. Nonsense! All wonderful character building experiences for the children

33 Irish Gumbo October 22, 2009 at 5:30 pm

Ohhh, hells to the NO, that Mother of the Year award is MINE, woman!

Oh, hold up, someone’s trying to tell me something…(what? whaddya mean? fo’ rillz? Damnnnn…)

Never mind. I was a lock for the MUTHAF—– Of The Year…totally different competition.

Congratulations! Carry on, then! (whistling)

34 Amo October 22, 2009 at 5:52 pm

I’ll hold your wine while you’re giving your acceptance speech.

35 Maria S. October 23, 2009 at 9:32 am

Oy! Too funny!
Been there, done that in the shoe gender confusion with my 5th grader…he probably doesn’t remember about that incident any more…hasn’t mentioned it in quite a while. Or maybe he just gave up on me.

36 Braja October 23, 2009 at 5:55 pm

I am relieved that my choices in life included not having children. How could I possibly survive in a climate filled with jewels of mothering wisdom like those you’ve posted here? Thank God I’m outta THAT race…..
xo

37 Meli October 23, 2009 at 6:21 pm

Hilarious!

38 Jillian October 24, 2009 at 6:17 am

WELL DONE!

Just be thankful that you did not cut her ear while trimming her bangs. I have learned that drinking and haircuts do not mix.

As for the shoes, yeah I have almost made that mistake before. Thankfully, my other two boys set me straight before I dragged my son down to the gutters of hell with embarrassment.

Your right, you win, but only for the moment until one of your fellow multi-tasking, wine drinking mothers rises to the call!

39 Cassandra October 24, 2009 at 9:19 am

Yup, I think you’ve got this year NAILED! Hahahahaha! I’m still laughing so hard I’m crying over this one!!

40 blissfully caffeinated October 29, 2009 at 3:31 pm

Oh my god, Caroline’s bangs are the bane of my existence. I really want to grow them out, but then they are in her eyes, she won’t clip them back and then I get fed up and cut them too short, crookedly and she looks like a demented ragamuffin for 3 weeks until they are so long that they are in her eyes again, at which point she looks like her mother doesn’t care enough about her to trim her damn bangs. Anyway, I finally stopped the madness and now take her in for bang trims. My own stylist charges $5.00 to trim them for me. Well worth it.

41 Michael October 30, 2009 at 1:48 pm

I’m very sorry to tell you this, but after an extensive poll conducted inside my house, my wife and I have again been elected Worst Parents Ever In The Entire History Of Ever.

So move over, there’s a new sheriff in town.

Oh, and incidentally? All Chuck Taylor high tops have the star on them. That’s how you know what they are.

I think.

42 Margie November 7, 2009 at 6:55 am

OK- the lady at the shoe store swore to me that the converse all-stars were mens AND women’s shoes… bought my 5th grade son by 2 pair for school- black and grey… the boys in his school wear them! Probably just some bratty kid in his class said “those are girl shoes!” and ruined them for him… just like the brat that ruined my daughter’s brand new (expensive) GAP hoodie a few years ago by telling her that GAP stands for ‘Gay And Proud”…. I did however take a seam ripper and remove the “Osh Kosh” outer label from the pants I got him for school- just in case it isn’t cool for 5th graders to wear Osh Kosh- but they were his size at the outlet mall for $7- so- cool or not- he’s wearing them!

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