Great news everyone! I think I managed to cinch the title of Mother of the Year on Monday! I know we were all in competition for this one so I thought it was only fair that I let you know the competition is pretty much over and you can stop trying.
Since it’s over for this year, I thought I’d share with you a few simple steps in which you too can gain the upper hand in battle for this most auspicious honor.
STEP ONE: CREATE GENDER CONFUSION
Go out and buy your 5th grade son a new pair of Chucks. Send him to school in said Chucks thinking what a cool Mom you really are. Allow your jaw to drop in horror when said 5th grade son comes home from school, promptly walks into your office, throws these spiffy new shoes on the floor and informs you that the Chucks with the stars are for girls.
STEP TWO: DON’T LET UP ON THE FAIL PEDAL
Since you have mortified said 5th grade son by sending him to school in girls shoes, be sure to keep a healthy dose of fail going by missing being there for an important moment. Die a million small deaths when this same son comes home from his Boy Scout meeting and tells you that tonight was the night they handed out badges and all the other parents were there to pose for pictures with their kids. Remind yourself this is his first year at Scouting and you still don’t know what the hell is going on just yet. Then have same son tell you it’s okay, he understands you have no idea what you are doing and he loves you anyway. Resume dying a million deaths.
STEP THREE: CREATE LASTING DAMAGE
This is the most challenging step. Having mortified and alienated your 5th grade son, you should now turn your attention to your 2nd grade daughter, because you want to make sure they are treated equally. After absorbing horrific events inflicted upon your son, you should definitely allow yourself to have a glass or two of wine. As both your children are preparing for bed, you should peer at your daughters face and proclaim her bangs entirely too long. Since she is in 2nd grade and becoming very well aware of her looks, what you should do is this, decide to give her a “little trim”. Do not wet bangs, do not cut in straight line (because you can’t under the best circumstances and the only reason you think you can right now is that little bit of wine you allowed yourself to have) and above all, make sure they are good and short so you don’t have to do this again anytime soon.
STEP FOUR: HIGHLIGHT YOUR ACCOMPLISHMENTS
Upon awakening, feign innocence when your daughter says to you, “Mom, these are way too short.” Try to look nonchalant when she adds, “Also, they are crooked.” Quickly master the fine art of lying when she reminds you that she has a big cheer competition in two weeks and in a backhanded way say, “Pfft. It’ll grow out by then…”. Put daughters hair in ponytail to highlight your work. Think to yourself proudly that while this same daughter managed to butcher her bangs exactly one year ago, you have done a far superior job. Smile smugly as you send her off to school watching her pull on her bangs in attempt to “grow them out faster” knowing that it will now be impossible to beat you in this competition because you are just that awesome.
I have to run now, I have my speech to prepare but I do wish you well in your attempts to win Mother of the Year next year….follow my lead and you are a shoe in!