This is a great question. One that you can ask about so many topics. How early is too early to break out your fall gear? How early is too early to get up on a weekend? How early is too early to put up Christmas decorations? Or, if you had the day I had yesterday, your question would be this:
How early is too early to drink entirely too much and get on an airplane?
And before anyone makes any snap judgements around here….no….we are not talking about me. We are talking about a crazy woman I had the absolute pleasure of sharing a flight with and the answer, in case you are wondering is 9:30 AM. (Unless, of course, you are flying to Vegas, at which point all bets are off.)
So yesterday, I get to the airport only to find out my flight to Austin had been delayed by an hour and I would probably miss my first appointment. I was in a fairly crabtastic mood already and the only saving grace when we were finally allowed to get on the plane was that it was pretty much empty. I took a seat on a row by myself in front of a guy who looked fairly safe in terms of noise level…sort of vanilla looking and mousey.
You can imagine my shock when my intense reading of US Magazine (Jon and Kate split up???) was interrupted with the shrillest and most valley girlest (if that is a word) “OH MY GOD!!!!” I have ever heard in my entire life. Also, these words were shouted directly into my ear as she fell over the back of my seat trying to get to what I can now only assume is her mousey boyfriend based upon the wet slobbery noises I heard immediately after.
Yeah, so…we weren’t off to a good start. It got worse though. She started talking. Really loud and without pause. Apparently, she was on a 7:00 am flight that had some engine trouble and demanded a beer that she immediately slammed because she was scared. Having actually been through an emergency landing myself complete with a row of firetrucks and guys in hazmat suits, I can sort of understand her emotion here. However, upon landing she headed directly to the bar (it’s now 8:00 am…which gives new meaning to the old saying “It’s 5:00 somewhere!” because really, it’s not) and proceeds to down a Bloody Mary. Deciding that it was yummy, she upped the anti with a Spicy Bloody Mary. And proving that you can never have enough alcohol early in the morning, she capped it all off with a Vodka Tonic with lime…because after all that tomato juice, you want to make sure you get fruit into your diet as well. It’s all about balance people.
How do I know all this you ask? Because she was having a slurring stream of conscious conversation that was a verbal trainwreck and I was powerless not to listen. That’s how.
Here’s something I didn’t know, early morning drunkenness leads to an excessive use of the word “like”. Like this:
“So I was all like, give me a beer, and the flight attendent was all like whoa it’s only 7:00 am and I was like, do you think I, like, care? And so she like gives me the beer and I chugged it in like a minute which OMG gave me a total buzz. Also, did I tell you I like talked to my sister yesterday and she was all mad at me, and I was all like WHAT-EVER, so I like called Mom and was like O…M…G… what is with her attitude? Oh wait, here comes the flight attendant, ‘Hey, do you like have any cold white wine????’”
So now you have a visual in your head of a drunken teeny bopper chugging wine at 9:30 a.m. right? WRONG. Girlfriend was 40 if she was a day.
The rest of the flight continued on in much the same manner and I quietly prayed for God to take my hearing so I wouldn’t have to listen to anymore. Thankfully, He did not and the flight was only an hour so I escaped with only mild emotional trauma.
Sure I could have moved, but miss blog fodder like this? No freaking way.
Hope you guys all have, like, a totally fab weekend!
{ 29 comments… read them below or add one }
Oh, my Gawd! I was all, like, totally Laughing the whole time I was, like, reading your blog!
Like, charming.
I will admit that while reading it I was thinking back to my own pre-noon drunken behaviour, but I at least had the excuse of being 19 or 20.
Like, what’s the big deal?
Gag me with a spoon!
You had me at Bloody Mary.
Interesting though how one can order alcohol at different times in different places. In GA it is after 12 noon on Sundays in a restaurant and no can do in stores at all on Sun. In TN it is after 10:00 a.m. I know this because of the best Bloody Mary’s anywhere found in a certain deli.
So, like, did the alcohol cause the mental regression? ‘Cause that’s like totally rad, ya know? I mean, like, how cool is that to just, you know, like, not be responsible or anything when you’re forty and just drink and like, O-M-G, just be chillin’ and all? I mean, I’ve got these kids and it’s like they always want something, you know, and I’m like, you know, and they do things that just barf me out. Like, totally, you know. So, like, if a cocktail instead of coffee will like fix all that, you know, well, then, that’s so rad.
Hm, it’s only 4PM here. Does that count?
This reminds me of that David Sedaris story about him accidentally spitting a mint on this lady who was ticked that he wouldn’t switch seats during a flight.
1) Before Sept. 1st, unless you’re a Texan visiting Michigan in the summer. Trust me you will get cold, bring a Patagonia or sweater.
2) Before 8 a.m., because you should have stayed up until midnight on a friday night unless you’re a rookie or kind of boring.
3) Before November 15th. So I know of at least 5 department stores on my radar that have been in violation of this rule for over a month!
4) You were not really looking for answers….and I feel for you. I have overheard (the whole plane heard) some nutty stuff.
Like, uh, shut up about your fall weather, girlfriend, because it is, like FUCKING SNOWING here in New York. Actually, it isn’t like fucking snowing, it really, truly, IS fucking snowing.
And naturally we got to take a field trip to the apple orchard first thing this morning. Like, before coffee first thing. I understand the slurred speech. I was thisclose to being that girl.
I see you must have been travelling with Jean, from my job. She’ll like, totally run her mouth for like forever!
My sympathies.
I have three words.
Oh My God!
like wow, what an alcoholic, and like what a fucking nightmare for you
I once flew from Heathrow to Los Angeles with all of the members of Madness. They were drunk when they got on and even more so when we landed.
It was ok, except for the three hours I was stuck between two of them. Being the sole sober person with a bunch of drunks is a real test.
Normal people, without alcohol dependencies, won’t immediately vault to the bar at 7 a.m. just because their aircraft had engine problems.
It is quite possible that, if this is ordinary behavior for this woman, she really IS only 22 and just, like, looks 40.
OhMyGawd!
Like, OMG! What a riot! (Although I am sorry for you – but you were right about the blog fodder!)
Nice, I find myself putting up with folks these days so I will have things to write about too. My best drunk plane story was coming back from Korea in the Army. I got on the plane hammered and I think they fed me drinks all the way home to keep me asleep. Somewhere in here I arrived @ Dulles airport and instead of cabbing it to my base, decided to(while blackout drunk) hop aflight to Freeport Bahamas. The Army was not amused but I did have a nice scuba trip.
LOL! I live in Germany, so it was probably almost 5pm here when she started drinking. As someone who hates to fly (because I get sick, not because I’m scared), I can’t say it’s ever really too early to drink, but I’ve certainly never slammed a beer in flight. I have to try really, really hard to keep the contents of my stomach inside my stomach and I’m pretty sure slamming a beer would cause said contents to flee rapidly, much to the distress and revulsion of my fellow travelers. Perhaps a nice Mimosa (or 3) to take the edge off, but nothing stronger.
I’m sorry you had to deal with it, but at least you got a good blog post out of it.
Wow, I would have, like, totally turned around and socked that woman in the face!
I know, right! I mean, it’s so totally, like weird and all. She was, like, not the mostest weird person on a plane,though. Like, you know, because every once in a while, I, like, get on a plane, and there’s like this weird dude who hasn’t, like, showered in, like, a week.
7?
Of course being a Brit, and not really inderstanding the whole short haul flight business I’m a tad out of my comfort zone…
…I’d say 7 is too early to start, but if I had had a 10 hour flight previously then (being scared of flying myself)…
shocked! simply shocked you did not just tell her to “like shut the hell up!” or did you? and you just left that little tidbit out of the blogspot? hmm……
that is when I would wish it was a longer flight so I could take a sleeping pill
Like, I found your blog, and it’s pretty, like, awesome, and I, like really like to fly, and like, drink too, so like, this is a great post!
Lawdy, lawdy. At least she didn’t recite Bible verses and threaten you with eternal hell and damnation! Stiletto, you’re a crazy-person magnet!
http://www.cbsatlanta.com/news/21285155/detail.html
DOn’t you love it when God Blesses you like that??
Why do they even sell booze that early? Congrats on not killing her.
Your stilettos could have come in handy for Ms. Language-Abuser!
You just got ear raped.