Dear Karl,
You suck. A lot.
I’ve never liked you that much. Sure you design for Chanel (which incidentally was one of my daughters first words…true story), and some of your clothes are just to die for but they don’t fit me so much. There are reasons for this but first, let’s visit a few of your designs and why they don’t work for me.
The First Look: Slutty Nanny McPhee Hits the Beach
If I were to wear this, and go out with my son looking like that? Well, let’s just put it this way, neither one of us would be welcome at the Cub Scout meeting we went to tonight (intead of me going to U2…more on that moment of FAIL in a future post).
The Second Look: The Squirrel Whisperer
I kind of like the shirt and possibly the pants as well, but I can only imagine upon walking outside that squirrels everywhere would fall silent as their tiny mouths formed an “Ohhhhh” shape and they salivated and plotted an attack on that necklace that appears to be made out of tasty acorns. Note to readers in NYC: You DO NOT want to try this look in Central Park…could be deadly and you don’t want to make headline news by being the fashionista taken out by cute, furry animals. Embarassing.
The Third Look: Janet Jackson Nipple Gate Waiting To Happen
First of all, I’m mad at you for this one because of the google hits I’m going to get from the title I made up for the dress. Secondly, that dress? Just NO.
But here’s the thing that really pisses me off Karl, because I know your crazy German ass is just on pins and needles waiting to know. It’s your stance that women must starve themselves to be beautiful. As America and countries around the world strive to create acceptance of women of all shapes and sizes, today you came out with this gem of a statement:
“No one wants to see curvy women. You’ve got fat mothers with their bags of chips sitting in front of the television and saying thin models are ugly. Fashion is about dreams and illusions.”
Really Karl with a K? REALLY? Let’s talk about a few improvements you may consider as well, SHALL WE?
- Conditioner, Karl…it is your friend. Also, a visit to the barber or stylist should be top of mind for you. If this fashion career thing ever fails you, I’d like to offer you a job as a brillo pad to scrub my dirty pans…keep it in mind.
- We have this thing called dentists these days. Look it up on Wikipedia…these people can also be your friend.
- Those glasses? NO.
With disdain,
TSM
PS: Also? Lose the fan, jackass.
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Hahaha! Right on.
I love it when homely people make themselves arbiters of what is (or isn’t) beautiful and then decide to spout off about such things.
Seriously Karl? In two-thousand and nine? With all that money? Why oh why are your teeth such a bleckily hideous yellowcolor?
…and the fan ain’t hidin’ the double chin, honey. And by ‘honey’ of course you know I mean ‘monstrous douchebag’.
Now look at me, all adither!
LMHO … Oh … this is priceless … simply priceless!!!
Dear S&M: I don’t think it good for you to keep holding all your frustrations and emotions in check this way. Express yourself, woman!
I’ve always seen acorn necklaces as a bad idea for exactly that reason. Is there anything worse than being chased by a pack of ravenous squirrels?
I did play with the idea of a dog-biscuit necklace but decided against it.
Anyone in the public eye with a grill that jacked-up has no right to criticize a woman for curves. I’ve seen better looking teeth on a zipper.
Awesome. I love you.
(I love you so much I put my chips down to comment.)
Looks like it’s time to change the chanel..
I kind of love the Nanny McPhee dress. The hat has to go. Cool costume, but no one wears that in the real world. I thought maybe that was a picture of Karl Lagerfeld’s mother. Poor, fat bastard.
Um, blech. He should keep the fan. Just hold it up higher.
Have you ever noticed how, well, I guess not very pretty or attractive designers are? Irony at it’s best, I think.
What a complete ass. And a fat, ugly one at that. He can kiss my fat mommy ass.
Oh my God! He said that? What a complete moron. And he’s so gross, too. Great letter! Well said. I hope he reads it, too.
Is he going for the Old Geezer or a Geisha look with that fan? Because I can’t tell.
I LOVE you!
What a prat. That’s despicable.
LOVE you.
Good for you. Did you catch the ladies on The View discussing Karl’s statement? Let’s just say Karl won’t be providing a gown for Whoopi’s next awards show. What an ass he is.
I would say, “remind me not to buy any Lagerfield,” but after this post, no reminder will be necessary.
He’s as bad as Christian Louboutin who, sniff, says Barbie has cankles unsuitable for his tiny Barbie boots.
http://www.shoezodiac.com/christian-louboutin-barbie-has-cankles/
Oh, I heart you big!
Great post!
What a jackass! And to be honest, I really don’t see anything fashionable about his designs.
Did you daughter really say Chanel as her first word?
karl is indeed a jackass.
and i say this despite my very first EVER botttle of cologne being “photo”.
and time has not been kind to KL. but then again, he may have had one too many of his bags of chips…..
Right on!
Janet was framed.
Oh, and nobody wants curvy women? Sure, because women who look like 14 year old boys are way sexy.
Yeah, and that idiot at Dior is SO much better.
Fashion IS, indeed about illusion. The illusion that real women would ever actually pay ten grand for one of those outfits.
I don’t know, I think it’s rather efficient to wear your squirrel-feeding items around your neck. From now on, I’m beading my dog treats and wearing them around my neck on my daily dog walks. That Karl…he’s such a trend setter!
You are a freaking riot TSM! Just the thing to start my morning. I was going to spend the day eating chips in front of the TV…but maybe I’ll go to work instead.
Oh Karl is just longing for the days when he designed for little boys pretending to be women and everyone was okay with that.
This was VERY funny.
Did he really just say that? Yeah, I know he did.
Um, news flash “K”arl…curvy women are aiiight, dig?
Perhaps he should have said fashion is about delusion…
Isn’t that right, geisha-man?
Clothes must make the woman shine, not the other way around. A good designer can dress a size 0 with the same style and glam as a size 16 and everything in between, above and below those numbers. Designing clothes for girls that look like boys? No so hard. Designing clothes for real women and make them shine whether skinny or fat, well endowed or flat, tall or short, etc? Therein lies the magic. And I do LOVE a good Chanel jacket – I do, really. But the rest of his stuff… REALLY????
Hot damn, girl.You go. Love this. Added you to my blogroll the minute I finished reading it!!!!!!!!! (Although I must confess…I love when he wears those damn leather gloves…)
That’s just awesome! Unkle Karl can just pucker up to my already big- will no doubt get bigger from child bearing- booty… We should all get acceptance. Not struggle with what we are, please.
Love the blog. It’s brilliantly hilarious.