A few of you have emailed me, in a rather rude manner, and asked why I don’t often write about my son. On this blog, he seems to be the invisible child, taking a second seat to his sister. He’s not less important, nor do I favor her, he’s just….older. And therefore, I tend to be more careful in the stories I share about him.
Does he do things that make me crazy? Totally. Does he make me laugh? On a daily basis. Is he every bit as important to me as his sister is? YES.
But most importantly, do we have some embarassing, yet entertaining, stories about what goes on around here? Absolutely. Is it anyone’s business but ours? NO.
Here’s the thing, and this is something that has been bugging me for a while. Mr. C is at an age where he can find my blog. I’m quite sure he knows how to get there and I’m also equally sure some of his friends know about it as well. We haven’t really had any incidents yet, but that could change in a heartbeat. And I don’t want that.
When I was at BlogHer a while back, I attended a panel called something like, “TMI, How Much Is Too Much Information”. Don’t really remember the exact title because once I got in there, I needed a brown paper bag to help me through hyperventilating at the subject matter.
According to the panelists, EVERYTHING is fair game. Your kids real names, embarassing stories about your spouse, your kids, your most intimate details….all fair game. Because it’s all about you and your freedom of expression, right?
Oh honey, no.
It’s taken me a while to digest this, but it’s been bothering me, and then when I got a few emails suggesting I don’t pay enough attention to my son…well, I got pissed.
There are a few things to keep in mind here:
- You are not blogging in a vacuum. Keep in mind that EVERY. SINGLE. THING. you say may very well come back to haunt you.
- Talk smack about your husband on your blog and prepare for the fall out if his workplace somehow stumbles upon your “personal” blog. It could happen. Consider the consequences.
- Talk smack about your kids and brace for the fallout when they are old enough to google you….because they will. And unless you have been totally diligent in hiding your real name from the world, which very few of us are these days, your kids will read the stories you write about them. It’s best for you and them if it’s done from a perspective of love and sometimes light and funny stories…nothing that would cause them to be bullied on the playground.
- But most of all…remember your blog is not ALL ABOUT YOU. Because it’s not. Sure, it’s your venue and possibly you are very well read. But all it takes is one person finding it, and passing the hurtful venom or shameful stories you have shared to ruin someone’s life you really love.
If you choose to ignore this advice, well be my guest, but brace yourself for fall out because sooner or later, everyone figures out who you are….there is very little anonymity anymore. You reveal your hand to one person, and it’s all over.
All I’m saying is this, share stories that aren’t hurtful. Record the things you want your children and your spouse to look back on and laugh. But keep the most intimate details of your life, and that of your family, to yourself.
Because you owe them that much.
***This rant courtesy of stupid emails I have received recently. Email me again and I’ll show up on your front porch…because odds are, I can find you.
{ 41 comments… read them below or add one }
Bravo! I totally agree. My son is still so young, but I’m always writing with the view of including the stories he will want to read when he’s older, rather than ones he’d be ashamed to read. And once they hit a certain age, you kind of have to leave them out to make sure they don’t get trouble from other kids, I’d think.
My son knows my online nick, and in the last year has taken to dropping in on my site from time to time; I recently wrote a post about that very thing. I want to catalog memories from my perspective, and the ultimate end is to have a working personal history.
My family is pretty comfortable with most everything I write because a) it is pseudonymous and b) I tend to respect that my boundaries don’t necessarily synch up with theirs at all times and I keep that at the forefront of what I’m hitting ‘publish’ on. For instance, there have been express things that my husband has communicated and expectation of privacy on, and I’ve respected that, because I value and respect him…..and he doesn’t put severe demands on me with my content.
A lot of people ( A LOTTTT OF THEM ) have put common sense and simple human courtesy on the back burner in order to garner hits, but it is at the expense of those supposedly nearest and dearest to them.
I guess what I’m trying to say in my verbose way is that you are not alone in your thinking on this, and I’m glad you are not letting the too-much-all-the-time way of thinking rule your keyboard. Props, laydeh, and also mad respect. THIS is ‘blogging with integrity’ and it’s a badge that crafts its damn self in your words/actions.
And, as many say in a lip-service fashion, “This is your space to do with as you please; you don’t owe anybody but you and yours a stinking thing.”
Is it ok if I just say amen? Because I agree with what you’re saying. It’s why I don’t have our names in my blog, and can count on less than one hand how many times I’ve put up a photo of my children. They entertain me and thrill me and are a source of so much I often want to shout from the rooftops, and yes, I do blog about them, but they are not the meat of my blog. Same goes with my husband. At least, that is what I think. I definitely know that I often step back before my fingers ever fly across a keyboard and think aobut what my family would think, because even with the steps I’ve taken, I’m not naive enough to know that means there’s a veil on my world.
Who are these people who email you these stupid questions?
There was an article in Newsweek this week about jackasses. You should read it. And then you should burn the Newsweek because it’s not fit to wipe poopers any more.
You go girl!
I agree with every single thing you write here. I try to assume that my worst enemy is reading my blog.
Amazing.
Please carry on with your great stories about whomever and whatever!
Hear, Hear, Sister. Very well said.
Who has that kind of time to email and express unsolicited opinions about YOUR blog! Wow!
I agree with everything you are saying. I wish my MIL didn’t know about my blog I so want to vent about her but…
If I am gonna tell an embarrassing story, 9 out of 10 times it is about me. If it is about my husband I clear it with him. We also have the rule that his face is NEVER on the blog. We also have nicknames for the girls and him. Of course if anyone REALLY wanted to find out who we were it wouldn’t be hard. I just try to keep things as PG as possible. I mean I really don’t want EVERYONE to know about EVERYTHING. What ever happened to a little bit of privacy once in a while?
I’ve had occasion to wish everyone and their dog that I know didn’t read my blog, but you just expressed why it’s really a good thing they do. Knowing that my husband, all of our combined children, our employees, my brother, my former mother-in-law and most of my close friends read my blog keeps me from saying something about one of them that will come back and bite me in the ass later. If I’m going to write something candid or embarrassing, it’s going to be about me. The one exception to that rule is when I talk about my ex-husband, who I know also reads my blog – and I know it’s pissed him off. Oh, like I care.
Well Said Stiletto!
Very well put. My mother brought us up to just assume that no matter what you do, you WILL eventually get caught. It’s a good blog mantra.
Well said!
I’ve just started blogging, and thought about it before I did and just how “out there” I want to be. I’ve kept my own (first) name, but gone with psydonyms for my hubby and family, and I haven’t told “the world” about the blog yet, either. I need to be a bit more comfortable with it before I go there, but when and if people find it, I don’t want to have to worry about who I’ve thrown under the bus, so I’ve decided that I’m just not going there.
Yep, I agree. Whenever I write something about my kids I let them read it before I post. I would never…never write something that would embarrass them. Also I’d never put something on my blog that would upset the hubby or that I would be mortified for his boss to read. Not that his boss reads my blog…just saying. You have to be careful of your family and their feelings.
Well said!
dawn
I’m with you. I know the age your son is, and tip-toeing is good. Also, a word of advice to those emailers, if I may: I’ve spent the weekend with Stiletto Mom, and I wouldn’t f*&%k with her.
Yup, I agree.
I like to catalog everything from my point of view and always check with John before I publish anything since my marriage and his opinion are a lot more important that my blog.
Absolutely agree. There are some things you just DON’T write about. Duty to your own family always comes first. I’m so glad you wrote this. I see other bloggers throw everything out there and, frankly, it’s embarrassing. I’ve always seen you as a classy woman in heels, Mrs Stiletto.
First of all…I’m so shocked that people are emailing you about your son. That’s crazy!!!
I try to be careful….
Amen! I write mostly about me (and my dog) but if I write something more personal I make sure to run it through my husband before I hit publish. He reads my blog and he’s my biggest cheerleader, rallying friends of his to read it. I don’t want to embarrass him because our marriage is more important than the blog.
Here, here.
Those women who think they can blog with impunity?
They are not only wrong, but they are walking disasters waiting to happen.
I don’t write anything I don’t want my kids to find. Because they can.
And I don’t write anything I don’t want their friends to find. Because they can.
And I don’t publish pictures, EVER. Because people find them.
A-to-the-men! I’m very aware that everyone I know may read my blog because I told them all about it. It’s part of my life & I don’t write under the guise of keeping it secret from family or friends, really in today’s world that’s not possible anyway. I try to read what I write from the perspective of each person I include there, my husband & kids don’t need me to go out of my way to embarrass them just because it makes me feel better (which it wouldn’t because it’s hurtful). I also don’t want those the trust of those I love. I try to take that into consideration when I write, to me blogging is not much different than having a column in a magazine or paper that everyone you know could read.
My husband’s parents used to read my blog. Two weeks before our wedding (the one I didn’t want to have because I wanted to elope, but after several times of telling us that no, they did not want to attend, his parents said oh yes we want to come, so my husband used his FF miles to get them tickets to the airport 100 miles away so they could have a direct flight without changing planes), I posted something about how I was getting stressed out about wedding planning and listed everything that was troubling me: how to plan meals around everyone’s dietary requirements, how to pick everyone up at the airport, getting everyone to the church and in which cars, and — this is the kicker — how was I going to seat three vocal atheists at the wedding supper with the pastor and the priest.
My husband’s parents called him furious about what I had written (his dad is one of the three atheists) and told him that not only were they not coming to the wedding but he shouldn’t marry me.
In all fairness, they had told him he shouldn’t marry me many times.
I was all Don’t let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya, but my husband talked them into coming.
I have since moved my blog, but do not write about them any more. My husband says they would probably be just as insulted never to be mentioned as to be mentioned in a way they don’t like, but I am not about keeping them happy any more. (Yes, there is way more to the story, but this is your blog, not mine!)
Thank you for addressing this. I have been accused several times in the past (always via anonymous emails) about being a bad mom because I hardly write about my kids. I know I’m doing the right thing for me and my family, but it always leaves a bad taste, reading those emails.
Good advice, Stiletto. Luckily my kids are still young enough that I can humiliate them without the fear of damaging them in anyway, but that will change as they get older. And really, I make a fool out of myself more than them. And all kids are embarrassed by their parents.
I absolutely see your point. I’ve decided to treat everything I write as if the people in question are reading it over my shoulder. Because if you’ve told anyone you know that you have a blog – SOMEONE unexpected will be reading it. For example – when I decided to write about getting a horrifying waxing appointment I had scheduled, I pretty much knew that some of my husband’s friends would read it. And he would be embarrassed. And I wouldn’t care since it was part of a package that HE set up for me as an anniversary present. (don’t be a pervert if you don’t want me to tell people about it…) Of course I’m kidding about it being spiteful – but I knew that this would be public knowledge and felt okay about that.
I’ve left many a very funny post unpublished for this very reason. I know I could boost my stats by letting it all hang out, but my family is my life, even though they do their best to drive me nuts.
All of my kids, aged 12-29 have been on my website and generally like it or think I’m lame.
I totally, totally agree. I believe in keeping it light.
And I cannot believe you seriously got emails fussing at you for not paying attention to your son?!? What is with people?
Or maybe you will be the new Dooce, and squad of haters will catapult you to fame!
It is totally selfish to think that “everything is fair game” I make more fun of myself and everything else is either run by JR or the Boys or it is completely goofy stories about dead family members. The dead ones can’t be embarrassed.
Thank you, thank you. Thank you most of all for REMINDING me of all this. When I first started my blog a few months ago, I made a vow to myself that I would never write anything about my son or husband that would embarrass them. Embarrassing myself is one thing, but…Right now, my son is only 6, but I realize there will come a time (terribly soon, I’m afraid) when he’s not going to want everybody in the world to hear every “cute” story about him. I agree that you’re doing the absolutely right thing in giving your son his privacy!
“If you choose to ignore this advice, well be my guest, but brace yourself for fall out because sooner or later, everyone figures out who you are….there is very little anonymity anymore. ” –
Bingo, baby, bingo. “Anonymous” is an oxymoron.
I think sometimes we experience what I call the airplane/cruise ship syndrome. “Hey, this guy sitting next to me right now? I’ll never see again in my entire life. So why not tell him how [insert intimate detail]?”
The older I get, the smaller the world gets.
Amen!!! That is why I do not share their names and only express that which I am either proud of, makes me laugh, or want to get off my chest – and even when it is to vent, I always make sure to end it in such a way that redeems the situation or the people involved. We are all entitled to write what we want and how we want, but we all do need to remember that the Internet is a vast open space and you can be found anywhere. You don’t want to risk your personal life for something so trivial.
We love you MA and let those haters shut the eff up – you are protecting your son – he is getting older – let hi decide if it is okay to pucblish or not, not the hecklers.
This is why I’m not a true mommy blogger.
My Godson is too perfect to do anything that would be blog worthy!
WhatEVER with the asshats that send emails like that.
I had someone recently tell me that unless I TELL my in-laws that I have a blog and talk about them then it’s lying. So I did tell them. Although I think the person that said that was just being mean because she was jealous of my Bubba stories. But I did tell them and they don’t really care. I mean it’s not like they can read. Oh! Sorry. That was mean.
I’ll join the chorus of praise for this post. I think some people don’t realize there are others actually reading their blog.
My guiding principle, and you already said it, is that my kids will one day read my blog, and I keep in mind the impact it may have on their view of me as a father. Although I have many topics to rant about, those are reserved for my wife and close confidants.
And I have to ask, whatever happened to having some class?
All you said is so very true. I’ve written many times about my kids and a few times about my husband (being military adds another layer to the issue of confidentiality and Operational Security etc) but I do stand by the fact that I’ve tried to share with honesty about myself and my family.
It’s still a small percentage but it’s there for many people to see. We all have to find our own personal comfort level….
Thank you for writing this
Anita
Thank you for the (lighthearted, as always!) reminder. I try very hard to keep that in mind, and I’ve slipped up on occasion. But mostly, I don’t blog anything that I wouldn’t say to someone’s face.
I do wonder what I will do with my blog letter to my son when he gets a little older. Obviously I only post things that I would actually say to HIM, but when he has friends who might find it, I may very well take it down.
And that is why I sat by the river sipping Merlot instead of attending the sessions…
Amen sister.
really? i think that is crazy. i agree with you it is not all fair game. i think we always have to consider what our words will do to those we write about. words have power and they can hurt in so many ways.
(Sorry I’m behind on my blog reading!)
I would have held your hair in that session, sister. I was completely shocked myself.