Plea Bargaining With God

Last week I alarmed a few of you when I mentioned that upon a visit to my OB/GYN I managed to leave with a 1.5 inch gash cut into my face. I should probably clarify that little statement and tell you what I’ve been going through this past week and how it involved several late night plea bargaining sessions with God himself.

So I went in for a routine follow up to my surgery from a few months after that whole “Uterfuss” mess and everything was fine. However, as my doctor was leaving the room, I pointed to this little spot on the side of my face that had been flaking a lot as of late. I asked him what he thought and was immediately told he didn’t like it…not one little bit. He made me promise I would get it looked at right away and he looked slightly alarmed.

NOT GOOD.

I promised I would but he knows me too well, he’s delivered both my kids and been my doctor for the better part of 25 years. Outside of my husband, no one knows how much I will procrastinate getting medical issues addressed better than him. I promised him that yes, I would take care of it at which point he scoffed at me and told his nurse to call his brother who is a plastic surgeon conveniently located next door and see if I could stop by right now.

Yeah, I was sort of freaked out.

So I went next door and his brother also did not like my flaky spot one little bit either but tried to calm me down by saying “It’s probably just a basal cell carcinoma…I’m sure it’s not squamous or melanoma….but it needs to come out right now.”

Oh my.

So two hours later, I walked out of the office looking like this…

…and spent the next seven days plea bargaining with God that if he would not kill me with skin cancer and would also make it so half of my face would not get cut off in the process, I was willing to agree to the following list of “self improvements”.

• I will wear sunscreen each and every day for the rest of my life and I won’t even care that I look as pale as a vampire in Twilight.   (Though glittery and sparkly would be nice! Also? If you could make Edward my boyfriend without pissing of my husband, that would be AWESOME. kthxbye.)
• I will make that long overdue Dermatologist appointment.  (Really, I’m getting to that tomorrow…)
• I will work out every day.   (I walked to my office today, granted it’s in my house and also navigating heavy rush hour traffic on my way to the doctor should count for SOMETHING.)
• I will go to church every Sunday for the rest of my natural life.  (Great in theory but it rained on Sunday and I accidentally slept in…)
• I will be nice to every single person in my neighborhood, even those I don’t like.  (Which worked out really well until the one I like the least cut me off at a 4 way stop….oh you know who you are…hope you enjoyed the “special wave” I shared with you. xoxo!!!)
• I will stop proclaiming Brett Favre  the biggest loser in the history of ever for signing with the Vikings.  (Damn, I wish they hadn’t won Sunday.)
• I will stop drinking wine on weeknights.  (STOP LAUGHING.)
• I will stop blogging, tweeting, facebooking, skyping, etc while my children are awake and will spend each and every moment engaged in meaningful conversation with them.  (Um, yeah…as I type this, it’s 7:07 pm and guess what I’m doing?)

The good news is, God knows me well enough to understand that I really, really mean well…I just have a high propensity for FAIL at these types of middle of the night, sleep deprived promises.

I waited all week for the results of the biopsy to come back.  Lots of freaking out and zero sleep.   Today, I went to the doctor to get the stitches out and get the results.   The doctor walked in and asked, “How are you?” and I was all, “I don’t know, HOW AM I?” at which point he said the two words I was dying to hear, “Non malignant.”

HELL YES.

Turns out it’s not cancer, it’s not even a non threatening basal cell carcinoma, it was just an icky spot on my face that didn’t want to heal.    So today, I am the proud owner of a very ugly scar on my face but I am not the owner of skin cancer.

Looks like I owe God a few solids off that list I promised Him.