Stressed Out Koi Fish? Try Spa Music.

by Mary Anne on August 7, 2009

My next door neighbor recently built a koi pond in their side yard. I like koi fish. A great deal in fact. Better than most fish, which I only enjoy sauteed with a lovely lemon and caper sauce.

However, these fish are pissing me off.

For reasons unknown to me, my neighbors have decided to play an endless loop of LOUD SPA MUSIC in their yard which is filtering into ours. I don’t know why. Perhaps it is to calm the koi? To create an environment? These must be some stressed out fish.

For three days this has been going on. The first night I was all, “How nice…they are enjoying a lovely night on their porch…”.

This next morning, I thought, “Hmmm…perhaps they forgot to turn it off?”

The following evening, the realization has set in that they have no plans of turning this off.

And I’m going to lose my mind.

They are playing three songs, just three, on an endless loop. The first involves harp music. The second involves some type of tribal horn only found in the nethermost regions of Africa. The third involves some type of Beluga Whale mating sound usually unheard by the human ear. Though I do need to lose a few several pounds, I am no Beluga Whale and this music? Is not helping my love life at all.

China Beluga Whale

Here’s the thing. I like spa music. WHEN I’M IN A SPA. Spa music while I’m yelling at my kids to not drown each other in the pool? NOT SO MUCH. There is no one here rubbing hot stones upon my back, there are only two warring hellions at the end of summer throwing rocks at each other. There is no aromatherapy oil being slathered upon my shoulders. There are only two children squirting sun tan oil all over my new cushions Call me crazy, but it just doesn’t mix.

Also? They are not outside. They are inside. Because it is hot. Africa Hot…which almost makes that tribal horn make sense. Hot enough to fry a fish on the pavement.

Wait, I just had an idea….

Update: I’d like you all to know I donned my big girl panties and went next door to address the problem and my neighbors were nothing short of lovely. If nothing else, on this blog I will admit when I’m wrong. Which I am…often.

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1 Reinventing Dad August 7, 2009 at 11:12 pm

Oh boy, don’t do it! There are much BIGGER fish to fry…namely the human kind……

2 The Dental Maven August 8, 2009 at 4:13 am

Lemme see. You could aim a boom box in their direction and get a little hip hop goin’. May I suggest for your loop: “Hard Out Here For A Pimp”,” “Freaks Come Out At Night,” and also “How Ya Like Me Now.”

3 Irish Gumbo August 8, 2009 at 5:36 am

I see…this calls for drsatic measures.

May I suggest an infinite loop of Tuvan throat singers combined with a krummhorn orchestra, maybe with a soupcon of the Ricola cough drop guys?

Just might work…and batter dipped koi, the new taste sensation…

4 Casey August 8, 2009 at 6:24 am

I think you need to get a recording of a loud, barking dog but only play it in the hours of midnight – 6am. How annoying are they…

5 NGS August 8, 2009 at 6:27 am

Argh! Neighbors are difficult no matter where you are, aren’t they? Our neighbors yell in a foreign tongue every day from about 7 am – 11 pm. They do stop at night, though, so I’m forever grateful!

I guess it’s time for a little sit down with the neighbors. *sigh*

6 Dana's Brain August 8, 2009 at 6:31 am

I’m trying not to laugh in the face of you misery – cause that is miserable.

Maybe one of your kids could – oops! – throw a rock in the direction of the speakers?

7 Middle-Aged-Woman August 8, 2009 at 6:46 am

It is NOT, I repeat, NOT the end of summer. I FORBID you to say that it is the end of summer.

Thank you. Poison in the water. For the fish, I mean, not the neighbors.

8 Kathy August 8, 2009 at 7:43 am

I would blast rap music all day there way!! But that’s just me!

9 Michele August 8, 2009 at 9:20 am

I could come up and take care of their fish for you. I’ve killed hundreds of Koi in my own ponds over the years. So many that when I go to the store to buy more the fish visibly tremble.

10 Closed Caption August 8, 2009 at 10:12 am

I am hungry now. Anyone in the mood for Sushi?

11 Keely August 8, 2009 at 11:30 am

Bagpipe music. To soothe your newly acquired sheep, and maybe a goat.

Isn’t there some kind of noise violation law?

12 foradifferentkindofgirl (fakdog) August 8, 2009 at 7:02 pm

Oh, I have a feeling I’d have the phone number for the city compliance officer on a constant loop!

13 Captain Dumbass August 8, 2009 at 9:19 pm

You should download some Inuit throat singing and return the favour.

14 bex August 8, 2009 at 10:09 pm

you have me cracking up! really. wine nearly came out of my nose (i wonder what that feels like?)

i just got done reading your beloved jen lancaster and i want to tell you – you write like her long lost sister. you have similar (but different) cadences. no wonder you heart her so.

15 Paige Lacey August 9, 2009 at 5:16 am

That’s definitely unsat. I know you don’t want to, but go over there an ask them to turn that crap off. Or at the very least, mix it up with some Ozzy!

16 Sue August 9, 2009 at 5:27 am

you need to either A. start your own loop of heavy metal and seriously play it only when you leave your house; or B. have a local kid in the neighborhood sprinkle something in that pond that will surely rid the koi.

Fish really are dirty creatures.

And those neighbors are dirtier.

17 tuesday August 9, 2009 at 7:48 am

I have never heard of playing music for fish.
A serious waste of electricity if you ask me.

18 CK Lunchbox August 9, 2009 at 10:38 am

When you leave for work, blast them with the Tejano music. Claim you’re having some work done on a koi pond of your own.

19 SweetPeaSurry August 9, 2009 at 3:03 pm

Oh my goodness. I’m sure if you’re like one of the many many many people living throughout this great nation, there’s a freaking homeowners can’t do jack association that you could get in touch with.

If you go with frying the fish on the pavement, I would suggest lining it with a heavy duty tin foil, you just don’t want all that fishyness soaking into the pores of your cement.

One last suggestion. Heavy duty ear protection, or at least some cotton balls.

Good luck and brightest blessings!

20 Sprite's Keeper August 9, 2009 at 7:41 pm

I’d say the repeated spa music is definitely some form of torture. Maybe call Homeland Security?

21 Amo August 10, 2009 at 4:31 am

You probably could have solved that with some rap. A little turf war never hurt anyone. ;)

I’ll be sure to bring my suit when I come to visit.

22 DCUrbanDad August 10, 2009 at 9:12 am

I have a koi pond, but I have yet to play the Spa music. Thanks for the idea.

23 Carolyn Online August 10, 2009 at 5:53 pm

It’s good you worked it out the big girl way cus those fish are way too boney.

24 Weezy August 10, 2009 at 7:34 pm

WOW! Good for you! I know it was loud because I could actually hear it over the phone!!! Why in God’s name were they playing music for the koi anyway???

25 Cameron August 10, 2009 at 8:20 pm

Bad news, Stiletto….as we speak your neighbor’s are plotting their revenge.

Perhaps a yard full of gawdy blow up furniture. Or an endless loop of ocean waves crashing on rocks. Or, just maybe they’ll do some sort of ‘update’ to their house, which will require jackhammers and generators at 8 am on Saturday.

26 Cathy August 11, 2009 at 6:46 am

What I don’t understand is the whole playing-spa-music-outside thing. Is this a new trend? We get that here in Alabama when people crank up Christmas music to accompany their yard-art holiday displays, but if this is going to be a year-round effort now, I’m seriously worried.

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28 The Lawyer Mom August 14, 2009 at 8:22 pm

Girlfriend, forget fighting fire with fire. It’s time to fight Enya with Enya.

29 Grizzly Kitteh August 25, 2009 at 6:03 pm

Ugghh… My roommate has parakeets that she insists need music during the day when nobody is home. The problem is she leaves the house about 2 hours earlier than me and she cranks the music up loud enough that I can hear it through the wall. There’s nothing more grating than a constant loop of Lady Gaga and MGMT blasting through your wall at 7am. I feel your pain.

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