From the monthly archives:

June 2009

Presenting A List Of Products You Probably Don’t Want To Purchase

by Mary Anne on June 9, 2009

Because I know you were all dying to know, following is a list of things I will not be purchasing this summer.

Item Number One: Tiki Pots and Torches

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things-i-wont-buy-2

Reason? After a few of those adult beverages pictured above, this is the stuff that would haunt my dreams. Also…solar powered…added benefit that the eyes and mouth glow in the dark to guarantee your children have nightmares and wake you up after said adult beverages. I don’t need that kind of grief in my life. And those teeth? NO.

Item Number Two: Frog Vomit Dish

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Reason: No appetite for frog vomit. ‘Nuff said.

Item Number Three: “Fence Art”

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Reason: At first glance, I thought this was rapid growing Ivy. But no. This? Is genuine vinyl mesh made to cover your ugly fence…to make it uglier. We have an ugly fence. I don’t need help making it uglier, but thanks.

Item Number Four: Cherry Pitting Pooper Supreme

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Reason? Is it just me or does this toothy little guy look like he is pooping cherry pits? Try selling that one to your fussy kids and report back to me. “Hey Kids! Watch the cherry pitter poop!” Go ahead, try it…I’m waiting.

Item Number Five: Kanye Glasses for the Middle Aged Visually Impaired Set.

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Reason? Lauded as the way to teach your eyes to relax, these lovely shades can be worn while reading, on the computer, watching TV…but not while driving! (Um, duh?) It’s possible they may possibly correct your vision. Thanks but I’ll take blindness over looking like Kanye while chanting “That that don’t kill me…can only make me stronger…” Speaking of, if you do see me in this, go ahead and kill me. It will make you stronger, I promise. And popular.

And lastly, Item Number Six: Pee In Your Pants Panties

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Reason? I could spend a lot of time on the fact that these are granny pants, which is just too easy. What you really need to know here is that these granny pants will hold five ounces of liquid. Really. While I’ve been known to snee myself (and if you haven’t read me for a long time…you may want to know about this personal problem of mine) I just cannot go there. You can even wear these all day as the magical panties will wick the liquid away from you for up to eight hours. EWWWWW.

This entire list? Oh. Hell. No.

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Wedding Crashers FAIL

by Mary Anne on June 7, 2009

This weekend we went to the wedding of my very good friend Tommy and his lovely bride Ashley.

Well, we tried to go to the wedding. Long story short, Map Reading FAIL. Of biblical proportion. The wedding was at 5:00 and we left our hotel at 4:30, looking good and feeling pretty great about ourselves for making the drive from Dallas to Austin that day, getting ready in :45 minutes and getting out the door in time.

We should have allowed for an hour. At least.

It started at the hotel. The Man wanted to load the address into the GPS system in my car. However, I’ve been burned one too many times of late by GPS. Case in point, Atlanta. While trying to get to AT&T headquarters, I ended up smack dab in the middle of the most expensive neighborhood in Atlanta, Buckhead, at a dead end with the GPS yelling at me, “Turn Left, Turn Left!!!!” which had I listened to her would have meant I drove through the kitchen of an approximately 2.5 million dollar home. Meanwhile, I’ve got two minutes to get there and am summarily rocking back and forth in the fetal position yelling “Make it stop talking!!! Make it stop talking!!!” over and over again.

Wait. Where was I? Oh yes, so I totally shut him down on the GPS.

My Bad.

Get a map printed out from the hotel and The Man trusted me to read the directions to him while he drove. Silly, silly Man. Here’s a snippet of the conversation:

4:30:
The Man: We’ve got plenty of time…we are good!
4:40:
The Man: What does the map say now?
TSM: Says merge onto Mopac and go for 4.7 miles.
The Man: You ARE SUCH a good navigator.
TSM: (Smiles smugly)
4:50
The Man: Are you sure? Because I think we’ve gone over 5 miles and I’m not seeing the exit.
TSM: *Sigh* Of course I’m sure, it should be right up here…
4:55
The Man: Sweetie? I think we went too far.
TSM: No, it clearly says here to exit Bee Caves road…it has to be coming right up…are you sure you looked at the mileage?
5:00
The Man: Hon? That’s a dead end to the highway right up there.
TSM: *inserts dread into range of emotions*
5:05
TSM: Uh oh. I read the map wrong, we were only supposed to go .04 miles on Mopac to Bee Caves? And what is this 2244?
The Man: Um, that would be the sign we should be looking for, it goes by highways not street names.
TSM: Oh. Still think I’m a good navigator?
The Man: Still think it’s a good idea not to use the GPS?

After taking the map away from me, we finally arrived at the church at 5:25 right as the wedding ended. We did however, after yet another hit and miss, find the reception which was only one mile down the same road.

A few pictures:

wedding-jody

This is me with my friend Jody. You should know we have been really good friend for almost two years at work and had never managed to meet before this night. Sometimes you have to wait a long time to meet people face to face, but in our our case the wait was worth it. She’s funny and smart and she and I have shared many, many secrets. I’ve adored her from afar for a very long time and now I’m totally going to fly to LA to stalk her in her home town.

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Because seriously? I really need to hang out with this chick more. Anyone who can rock camo goggles like this? Gets my undying love and devotion.

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Speaking of love…here is The Man and another wedding guest getting cozy. But then it went too far….

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I’m not sure, but I think The Man may be pregnant.

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And this is the happy couple…Tom and Ash…aren’t they gorgeous together?

So Tom and Ashley….my very best wishes to the two of you for lifetime of happiness. Judging from the smiles on your faces and the way you two act around each other, I cannot imagine anything but lifetime of love and devotion that will come from your wedding.

I just wish I’d been there to see it.

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Not So Pretty Woman

by Mary Anne on June 2, 2009

A few weeks ago, I did a restock on my skin care and make up. In case you were wondering, I’m a Lancome girl. Bought some cleanser, little eyeshadow, blush…the usual suspects. Got a bonus bag. Bonus being the understatement of the year. In it was the most faboosh travel sized stuff, and as much as I travel…this was truly a gift from heaven.

In it was a moisturizer that I totally, head over heels, fell in love with….Secret De Vie. (note that you will need to practice saying this in your FANCIEST french accent for later…) So after scraping every last precious bit of the sample out, I decided I loved it enough to bite the bullet and off to a certain unnamed department store I went in search of the full sized product.

Stick with me now…this is going somewhere….

I had just dropped Miss G off at cheer practice and was looking less than “Stilettoish” if such a word exists. Slighty fug shirt, craptastic looking shorts and (gasp) croc flip flops. Also, you should know I had a mayonaisse stain on the shorts because I am all about the classy. I had originally gone to the store to buy a dress for a wedding this weekend and ended up spending a little more than I should have. Still feeling guilty, but totally enamored with this Secret De Vie, I headed to the cosmetic counter.

Did y’all see Pretty Woman? It was kinda like that scene where she tried to go shopping on Rodeo Drive only to be met by Marie “Snobby Salesperson #2″. In fact, the person who was “helping” me, looked just like her, only about 40 years older. With huge bi-focals. She even had a giant flower thing in her hair and the chandellier earrings. Sorta like this:

pretty-woman

So here’s how the conversation went down:

TSM: Walks up to counter in above described fug clothes….crickets chirp.
TSM: Looks around for person to sell her something….crickets continue to chirp. Finally, “Marie” takes pity, sighs and shuffles over.
Marie: …and how can I help you dear?
TSM: I got this sample of moisturizer, it was in a ball shape? I wanted to buy some.
Marie: Oh, you are talking about Secret De Vie! Bon! (This is where the fancy French accent comes in…in Texas…and she had a twang…which makes the entire thing RIDICULOUS.)
TSM: Well, yeah, thats fancier than I could ever say it but it was in the little ball shaped thingy?
Marie: Yes, Secret De Vie….it’s French.
TSM: Ok, and it’s in a ball shaped thingy.
Marie: *le sigh*
TSM: So yeah, that’s what I want to buy.
Marie: (Beginning grand movements to remove box from counter, lots of flourishing arm waves going on….)
TSM: That sure is a big box…
Marie: Well yes, but it will last you a full year! How would you like to pay?
TSM: Um, how much is that?
Marie: $240
TSM: TWO HUNDRED AND FORTY?
Marie: It is the best, it is Secret De Vie
TSM: Is the secret that there is gold in it?
Marie: It’s an investment.
TSM: In gold? No really, Marie….
TSM: Marie? Why are you walking away from me?
TSM: MARIE??????

*Le Sigh*

Shopping in a recession….good times.

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