Because I know you were all dying to know, following is a list of things I will not be purchasing this summer.
Item Number One: Tiki Pots and Torches
Reason? After a few of those adult beverages pictured above, this is the stuff that would haunt my dreams. Also…solar powered…added benefit that the eyes and mouth glow in the dark to guarantee your children have nightmares and wake you up after said adult beverages. I don’t need that kind of grief in my life. And those teeth? NO.
Item Number Two: Frog Vomit Dish
Reason: No appetite for frog vomit. ‘Nuff said.
Item Number Three: “Fence Art”
Reason: At first glance, I thought this was rapid growing Ivy. But no. This? Is genuine vinyl mesh made to cover your ugly fence…to make it uglier. We have an ugly fence. I don’t need help making it uglier, but thanks.
Item Number Four: Cherry Pitting Pooper Supreme
Reason? Is it just me or does this toothy little guy look like he is pooping cherry pits? Try selling that one to your fussy kids and report back to me. “Hey Kids! Watch the cherry pitter poop!” Go ahead, try it…I’m waiting.
Item Number Five: Kanye Glasses for the Middle Aged Visually Impaired Set.
Reason? Lauded as the way to teach your eyes to relax, these lovely shades can be worn while reading, on the computer, watching TV…but not while driving! (Um, duh?) It’s possible they may possibly correct your vision. Thanks but I’ll take blindness over looking like Kanye while chanting “That that don’t kill me…can only make me stronger…” Speaking of, if you do see me in this, go ahead and kill me. It will make you stronger, I promise. And popular.
And lastly, Item Number Six: Pee In Your Pants Panties
Reason? I could spend a lot of time on the fact that these are granny pants, which is just too easy. What you really need to know here is that these granny pants will hold five ounces of liquid. Really. While I’ve been known to snee myself (and if you haven’t read me for a long time…you may want to know about this personal problem of mine) I just cannot go there. You can even wear these all day as the magical panties will wick the liquid away from you for up to eight hours. EWWWWW.
This entire list? Oh. Hell. No.
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