Because I know you were all dying to know, following is a list of things I will not be purchasing this summer.
Item Number One: Tiki Pots and Torches
Reason? After a few of those adult beverages pictured above, this is the stuff that would haunt my dreams. Also…solar powered…added benefit that the eyes and mouth glow in the dark to guarantee your children have nightmares and wake you up after said adult beverages. I don’t need that kind of grief in my life. And those teeth? NO.
Item Number Two: Frog Vomit Dish
Reason: No appetite for frog vomit. ‘Nuff said.
Item Number Three: “Fence Art”
Reason: At first glance, I thought this was rapid growing Ivy. But no. This? Is genuine vinyl mesh made to cover your ugly fence…to make it uglier. We have an ugly fence. I don’t need help making it uglier, but thanks.
Item Number Four: Cherry Pitting Pooper Supreme
Reason? Is it just me or does this toothy little guy look like he is pooping cherry pits? Try selling that one to your fussy kids and report back to me. “Hey Kids! Watch the cherry pitter poop!” Go ahead, try it…I’m waiting.
Item Number Five: Kanye Glasses for the Middle Aged Visually Impaired Set.
Reason? Lauded as the way to teach your eyes to relax, these lovely shades can be worn while reading, on the computer, watching TV…but not while driving! (Um, duh?) It’s possible they may possibly correct your vision. Thanks but I’ll take blindness over looking like Kanye while chanting “That that don’t kill me…can only make me stronger…” Speaking of, if you do see me in this, go ahead and kill me. It will make you stronger, I promise. And popular.
And lastly, Item Number Six: Pee In Your Pants Panties
Reason? I could spend a lot of time on the fact that these are granny pants, which is just too easy. What you really need to know here is that these granny pants will hold five ounces of liquid. Really. While I’ve been known to snee myself (and if you haven’t read me for a long time…you may want to know about this personal problem of mine) I just cannot go there. You can even wear these all day as the magical panties will wick the liquid away from you for up to eight hours. EWWWWW.
This entire list? Oh. Hell. No.
{ 38 comments… read them below or add one }
Oh, the ivy wall kills me. Reminds me I saw a commercial for a mobile treadmill.
Yes, you run on it while it “runs” on a charge down the street.
That, I would pay to see!
I gotta say, my kids would love the pit pooper. As for the rest of the Oh.Hell.No products, I want some of whatever those guys were drinkin’ when they came up with their bright ideas.
Chriss last blog post..Tell Me Your Story
OMG, where do you find this stuff? I’ll tell you what’s going to haunt my dreams: those PANTIES. Oh, the humanity!
Beckys last blog post..The Thunder Down Under: Updated
I wish / hope they make a men’s version of the pee panties. Oh, and 5 oz….that ain’t gonna cover it. I’m thinking more like 48 oz…..hell yeah, for the lazy douchebag men in all of us. Why take the time getting up and taking a leak, just buy the 48 oz man-handler man-pants.
Camerons last blog post..Random Tuesday Thoughts
Ok. True story time.
When Jason and I first started dating, we found ourselves back at his apartment one night, and I was greeted by frogs. Everywhere. Statues, stuffed animals, books, artwork, boxers, dishes. EVERYWHERE. I was like, umm, you have a frog thing or what?
He grimaced, and said that it was his sister. She loved frogs, and collected them for HIM. For some reason, I married him despite this, and when we moved in together, the frogs conveniently disappeared.
Then, our first Christmas together came around, and his sister bought us that fucking Frog Vomit dish above. From Kohl’s, for a whopping $2.99. I donated it to Goodwill. I’m hoping in found a nice home.
Now, I am all hot and angry remembering all those fucking frogs, and how it took me forever to accidentally break, and trash them.
Oh, and tomorrow is our anniversary. Woo-hoo!
Ribbit!!!
Andria and Co.s last blog post..Do I Need To Cook Him A Steak, Also?
No no no! Those panties are sublime, for those of us who snee regularly. Do they come in black? With lace?
Saucys last blog post..building a better blog through comments
I’m tempted to buy those panties and tell Tom they’re my new undies and pretend that I love them and see what he does. He’d probably be horrified and say, “Have you lost your damn mind?” Then I’d pretend to be all hurt and he’d feel bad and take me out to dinner and buy me a book.
The frog vomit dish made me gag. No thanks.
I do like that Cherry Pitting Pooper thing. I’m immature and things like that amuse me. Though I don’t eat a lot of cherries so I imagine it would just sit in my cabinet freaking vistors out.
Ambers last blog post..I Love Funny Cats
The vomiting frog reminds me of that puking rooster orange juice container from a few years back…perhaps they could come in a two-piece set….gotta love those “granny panties.”
Reinventing Dads last blog post..Random Tuesday and 3/4
OMG I can’t believe these products exist! I do like the cherry pitter. Granny panties lol what will they think of next?
I could see some serious neighbor strife occurring if somebody put that fake ivy art on their fence around these parts.
The Dental Mavens last blog post..Texas Grillin’
I’m not a fan of real frogs so scooping my dip from a gaping maw of a cold blooded amphibian? Is just not in my future.
Sprite’s Keepers last blog post..It’s mental, all right.
The undies are just gross. But the frog vomit dip bowl? Oh, I love that. It would be better with guacamole, though — somehow I picture frog vomit as being green.
Ellies last blog post..Wine and Chickens
I don’t know I totally love the cherry pitter/pooper!
Jannas last blog post..On the Run
I’m slightly intrigued by the panties. I’d like to see a live demonstration though. You know the kind where they spill windex fluid to show super asorbancy? Yeah. I need to see that. If only the crazy astronaut lady would have held out a few more years. She’d not be famous for those diapers.
steenky bees last blog post..Lessons in Love and Spandex
As a fellow snee-er, I’d go for a lot of things to combat that, but pee panties? No. No. NO. Knowing I was walking around with pee pants would make me look like the faces on those tiki torches.
foradifferentkindofgirl (fakdog)s last blog post..‘without the help of a margarita or ectasy’
Those panties are the “Sham-Wow” of undergarments.
Oh, those tiki pots are creepy!! And the snee underwear? Yikes.
In my old age, sadly, things that I never thought would enter my house have – think tank tops that suck the tummy in (and prevent your from eating, breathing…) and the “miracle” bra (the miracle is that the ladies are still floating above the waistline). I draw the line at the pee panties! It’s bad enough that Spanx are so damn tight that they provide you with a peehole so you dont’ have to take them off but actually PEEING IN THEM???? Not for me, thank you!
WTF?
Oh man, I want that frog vomit bowl. TWO actually. Those would be awesome cereal bowls for the kids. LOL. I’d be the coolest mom on the block. What kid wouldn’t be thrilled about frog vomit??
Wendys last blog post..Two Open Letters
first of all, i really like the cherry pitter. i may buy that. also, i may buy the panties as i am going to be driving to georgia (a mere 15 hours) this weekend. it would be helpful if i didn’t have to stop to pee. remember that psycho astronaut?
bexs last blog post..RTT: picture pages
Okay, I realize I’m risking ridicule here, but I REALLY, REALLY want the cherry pit pooper. Bonus has gotten into eating cherries and I have to cut each one and pick out the pit BY HAND or risk him choking to death on it.
I think it’s worth the embarrassment.
And it would go awesome with the wind-up bunny that hops and poops jelly beans.
Amos last blog post..Bonus’s Music Review – Part One
As you might imagine, I SWEAR by these psuedoscientific products that are not approved by the FDA, not clinically tested, not guaranteed to work, and not proven to have no serious side effects.
But they ARE guaranteed by the company to solve your back pain, by lightening your wallet.
The Mothers last blog post..Potty Training, Modern Style
Item number 6? Yuck. Because if someone pees themselves I would expect them to clean themselves up and change their underwear, not rely on eight-hours of guaranteed moisture wicking to get them through the rest of the day.
blissfully caffeinateds last blog post..Stuck In A Box
The frog vomit dish would be a hit with the elementry school gross out set – but probably not appropriate for adult cocktails.
Kate Coveny Hoods last blog post..George’s Hair: Kickin’ It Old School
Actually you had me at the adult beverages………
After a few of those I would love all of these products!!
zelzees last blog post..Driving Me Crazy
I will not buying any of those things either! However, I may consume many of the beverages pictured in the Tiki bucket (but only if they are alcoholic, otherwise why bother?).
Jenni Jiggetys last blog post..WW:Bloggy Couture
What? What’s that you said? I’m having a hard time hearing you because my new super sonic sound magnifiers aren’t working so well. The ad said I’d be able to pick up back-yard conversations from as far as a block away. But– what? What?
The Lawyer Moms last blog post..How Am I Awesome? Let’s Reverse the Meme.
A cherry pitter pooper – try saying that three times fast.
Is it just me or wouldn’t the frog vomit holder and the pitter pooper make great Secret Santa gifts? I’m just sayin….
Sadly, I have fallen in love with the vomit frog. Proving I have kissed one to many
Marikas last blog post..Dedicated to the one I love
Oh my god. That was awsome. BTW, I would add this to your list – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WjdyjL0dbG8&feature=player_embedded
DCUrbanDads last blog post..Does size really matter?
All I can say is:
ARE YOU F”IN KIDDING ME????
That frog dish totally looks like it’s full of vomit.
Gross.
Sues last blog post..A Little Bit Of Luck… thank god my head’s not that big!
those panties could have come in handy in college.
I have to say I may have to buy the pitter. I hate cherry stained hands!
tuesdays last blog post..Who Doesn’t Love Lemonade?
I believe every street should have at least 7 tiki-pots. It’s just a weird quirk of mine. Ideally there should be a million. Think how great that would be.
Could I have expected anything less from you? Nope! Of course not!! And as far as them granny panties, EWWWW YUCK!!!!
Krystals last blog post..1
At least the tacky tiki torches compliment the fake vinyl ivy fence cover. They both might scare any baby bunnies enough that they’d stay out of your yard and the jaws of your pooch.
the mayors last blog post..Excrement High School Style
Thank you sooo much for these product recommendations!
That cherry pitter is adorable but the panties are a MUST have! I pee myself on a daily basis and I’ve getting tired of having to change my pants all the time.
Connie @ Young and Relentlesss last blog post..I’m a Heathen…Get Me Out of Here!
i am so disturbed by the underwear.
MommyNamedAprils last blog post..Flashback Friday!