Greetings From Quasimoto

Oh hello Internets! I know, I’ve been missing this week. I’ve got good reasons, really.

The surgery went swimmingly. I pretty much slept for four days straight and then tried to go back to work on Monday. Tried…and FAILED. I fell asleep sitting up in my chair and threw in the towel. Apparently, I am not cut out for any type of prescription drug abuse because I quit taking the damn things Saturday and was still hung over from them on Monday.

My life as a hard core pharm party girl? Not so much.

Got back to work on Tuesday. Busted my butt to get caught up. Did not leave my chair or my house for a few reasons. First of all, I still had a slighty oompa loompa appearance going on….all roundish and short…and could not fit in my clothes. Secondly, well…I don’t know what the second reason is other than I am horrifically vain and you are just never gonna see me looking that bad.

Finally Wednesday, I had gone back to my normal size and was able to put on a pair of jeans to go out to lunch. Bad move. I spent an hour on my feet and when I got home ohmygodthepain. So back I went to the oompa loompa wardrobe until the next day when I went to the doctor for my post op follow up.

Get to the doctor, tell him proudly I was able to get into my jeans well in advance of the one week he said it would take and he was all, “ARE YOU CRAZY?” Apparently, I was not supposed to do that and my uterus (now known as the uterFUSS) did not like it one tiny little bit. I was told in no uncertain terms that jeans and high heels (gasp) were not to be a part of m wardrobe for yet another week. Okay, I can deal with that…sort of.

So my uterFUSS and I went back home and resumed the oompa loompa wardrobe and the endless sitting around, not being able to go on calls, not willing to go out in public. You would think that would be the end of it.

But no.

Now, I just have NO IDEA how this happened but sometime Thursday, I threw my back out. How this happened in my almost catatonic state is truly one of the great medical mysteries in life. This has never happened to me and I even had a bone scan at the doctors office the day before where they told my how strong my spine was. (Like I didn’t know that already. Pfft.) All I know is I woke up Friday morning with my back so cramped I could not get out of bed. I was stuck like a turtle who gets turned over on it’s shell and The Man had to hoist me out of bed. After I calmed the children down from the shriek heard round the world when I stood up, I went into the bathroom to brush my teeth.

This is were the story takes an even nastier turn.

Look in the mirror, and I am covered in hives. Lips and eyes swollen, hunched over, I looked a bit like this….

Quasimoto? I feel your pain brother. My teeth looked a little bit better but not much because apparently I had slept with my mouth open all night as well.

Attractive, right?

This is not the first time the hives have taken over my life. I didn’t take a picture this time, but this is picture of me last year after an attack. Important to note here, this is two hours after getting back from the hospital where the attendant actually yelled, “Oh My Holy Hell!!!!” when I walked in. I took the high road told him to eff off and continued walking at which point, he slapped me down on a gurney before I could die and sue them. Apparently, they take the whole “hives” thing pretty seriously and I was class A scary.

Also? If any of y’all could petition People Magazine to include me in the “Most Beautiful Without Makeup” series, that would be great. No? Hmph.

Seriously…that picture is TWO HOURS after they injected me with some very potent stuff to make the swelling go down. I know that I look like Octomom collagen lips gone wrong, however, I do hope you will notice that even in my Quasimoto state, I had the forethought to put on red lipstick. Never let it be said that Stiletto is not vain.

Here’s the thing. I’m not allergic to anything. No one knows why this happens to me. Last time it lasted for SIX MONTHS. I think it means God is getting even with me for some past transgression but the medical community just does not buy that as a viable excuse. Go figure.

So anyway, there you have it, why I’ve been absent for an entire week. Hopefully, next week I will be a.) non oompa loompa b.) upright and c.) non Quasimoto.

Come back Monday or Tuesday for a very special rant on Dr. Laura.

…and now, I am off to skulk in my tiny corner of the bell tower for the rest of the weekend. Hope you all have a good one!