Gentlemen…Avert Your Eyes

Have y’all noticed I’m loving on that saying?

It sounds impressive, no? Well, gentlemen in the house, I’m telling you to bail out right now because I’m about to talk about my girly bits. Trust me, you do not want to be here for this.

I’m waiting…..

*taps foot*

Okay good. Hopefully we are boy free with the exception of Captain Dumbass, Cameron, Clark Kent, DC Urban Dad and possibly Damon who have a habit of hanging around here on a daily basis and rarely do what I tell them to. You men have been warned. No bitching from you at the end of this post!

So here’s the deal. I’m having surgery on Thursday to get my girly bits fixed. The bits have been causing a lot of issues as of late. Now for you men that may still be hanging around, I’m not talking about the bewbs. (Thank you Domestic Chicky for coining that phrase!). I’m talking about my other girly bits. I’m talking about…

Still with me boys?

Yeah, I didn’t think so.

So tomorrow, I’m going in and getting all sorts of stuff done that will fix this little problem forever. Also? I’m getting my tubes tied. I’ve struggled for years on this birth control thing. Yes, yes… I know The Man could have gotten a vascectomy.

Um yeah, not so much on that front. The Manly bits are not to be touched by surgical instruments. They are Just. That. Precious.

I’ve tried pills (can’t remember to take them), the Nuva Ring (I dare not speak the horror of the getting in and out of that thing….EWWWW) and most recently the Mirena IUD. Had I read this snippet beforehand, perhaps I would have chosen a different route:

“Irregular vaginal bleeding (e.g., spotting), cramps, headache, nausea, breast pain, acne, rash, hair loss, weight gain, or decreased interest in sex may occur. If any of these effects persist or worsen, tell your doctor promptly.”

Seriously? I’ve had all of those. The only thing saving our marriage after the Mirena is my love of The Man and his willingness to put up with a chubbier, balder, bitchier version of me. Had The Man read that little part about decreased interest in sex? He would have set fire to the damn thing. And honestly? I would have paid him to do it.

The good news is…it’s outta here. Life can return to normal.

Now, none of this is your bidness except for three things:

1.) I like to gross you out….especially you Daddy Bloggers.
2.) If any of you are ever considering the Mirena, I’d advise you to do a lot of research and talk to tons of people before making the committment.
3.) I’d like all of you to remember that if you see odd comments on your blogs over the next few days, it’s not me talking, it’s the painkillers.

Apologies in advance…this could get interesting!