Wii Are Not A Fit Family

Today we invited the devil into our home.

Oh sure, it all started innocently enough. I need to lose a few pounds and I’m very much in favor of teaching my kids the value of physical fitness because as a child, it was never taught to me.

Side note: The only time I won an athletic competition was when I was seven. It was a swimming race and I was SO PROUD. If you could please just ignore that there was NO ONE ELSE IN THE RACE and it took me the better part of a martini laced afternoon to make it to the end of the pool at the local country club in 1972, that would be great. By the time I crossed the finish line, my parents were doing drunken somersaults down in the sandtraps at the golf course.

But we can talk about that another time.

Wait, where was I?

Oh yes, the Wii.

So we got the Wii because I thought it would be a great family challenge. Of course, I was not going to go first. The Man took the lead and hopped on to get his physical evaluation. We all watched intently at first and cheered as he was informed he was within normal BMI. Yay Man! Once he got to the balance part though, it was gloves off in the Stiletto house as the Wii politely told him, “Balance is obviously not your forte.” The Wii even went so far as to ask, “Do you often trip over your own feet while walking?”

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

The Wii then went on to tell him his age, according to it, was 47 years old.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

A few choice words and The Man was off the Wii. We felt lucky he had not taken a sledge hammer to it.

Next up was Mr. C who climbed on and was told he also was within normal BMI. He did all the balance tests and got the same smart ass answer about lack of balance. Then the moment of truth, his Wii age. TWENTY SEVEN.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

Miss G took the center stage after that. Now, let’s reflect back that she is a competitive cheerleader and balances regularly on top of moving pyramids. She gets her skinny little butt up on the balance board and…FAIL. She is also of the unbalanced Stiletto family fame and is promptly told while she is within normal BMI, she is lacking coordination and is summarily 31 in Wii years.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

At which point she just lost her shit and started screaming “I don’t want to be 31!!! NOOOOOO!!!! That’s old!!!” I of course, did what any loving mother would do and frantically searched for the Flip to record this moment and report it back to you. Let me tell you this, based on the speed of her knocking the camera out of my hand (less than :10 seconds) she is the fastest 31 year old on the planet.

Then all eyes turned on me. “Mommy, when are you gonna do it?” And I”m all, “Hell no, I’m not doing this in front of such a viscous crowd.” Nevermind that I was the lead in all that action, I was not going to go there with such an audience. But then I realized, if we were going to do this, I had to come clean as well.

Yeah, that was SUCH a bad idea.

So I stepped on. I did the tests. I yelled, “AVERT YOUR EYES!!!!” when it came time for me to check my weight. (Which really? When did THAT happen???).

The end result? My BMI is overweight, I lack balance and I have an estimated Wii age of FIFTY FRIGGIN’ THREE.

Holy shit.

So now it’s on like Donkey Kong Wii Fit. You and me are gonna go round and round. I will put up with a great many things in life, but having a computer tell me I am overweight, uncoordinated and ten years older than I actually am? Well, that’s just not gonna fly. We’ll see who wins this one.

Apparently, walking in stilettos counts for nothing with this machine.

Pfft.