Today we invited the devil into our home.
Oh sure, it all started innocently enough. I need to lose a few pounds and I’m very much in favor of teaching my kids the value of physical fitness because as a child, it was never taught to me.
Side note: The only time I won an athletic competition was when I was seven. It was a swimming race and I was SO PROUD. If you could please just ignore that there was NO ONE ELSE IN THE RACE and it took me the better part of a martini laced afternoon to make it to the end of the pool at the local country club in 1972, that would be great. By the time I crossed the finish line, my parents were doing drunken somersaults down in the sandtraps at the golf course.
But we can talk about that another time.
Wait, where was I?
Oh yes, the Wii.
So we got the Wii because I thought it would be a great family challenge. Of course, I was not going to go first. The Man took the lead and hopped on to get his physical evaluation. We all watched intently at first and cheered as he was informed he was within normal BMI. Yay Man! Once he got to the balance part though, it was gloves off in the Stiletto house as the Wii politely told him, “Balance is obviously not your forte.” The Wii even went so far as to ask, “Do you often trip over your own feet while walking?”
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
The Wii then went on to tell him his age, according to it, was 47 years old.
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
A few choice words and The Man was off the Wii. We felt lucky he had not taken a sledge hammer to it.
Next up was Mr. C who climbed on and was told he also was within normal BMI. He did all the balance tests and got the same smart ass answer about lack of balance. Then the moment of truth, his Wii age. TWENTY SEVEN.
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
Miss G took the center stage after that. Now, let’s reflect back that she is a competitive cheerleader and balances regularly on top of moving pyramids. She gets her skinny little butt up on the balance board and…FAIL. She is also of the unbalanced Stiletto family fame and is promptly told while she is within normal BMI, she is lacking coordination and is summarily 31 in Wii years.
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
At which point she just lost her shit and started screaming “I don’t want to be 31!!! NOOOOOO!!!! That’s old!!!” I of course, did what any loving mother would do and frantically searched for the Flip to record this moment and report it back to you. Let me tell you this, based on the speed of her knocking the camera out of my hand (less than :10 seconds) she is the fastest 31 year old on the planet.
Then all eyes turned on me. “Mommy, when are you gonna do it?” And I”m all, “Hell no, I’m not doing this in front of such a viscous crowd.” Nevermind that I was the lead in all that action, I was not going to go there with such an audience. But then I realized, if we were going to do this, I had to come clean as well.
Yeah, that was SUCH a bad idea.
So I stepped on. I did the tests. I yelled, “AVERT YOUR EYES!!!!” when it came time for me to check my weight. (Which really? When did THAT happen???).
The end result? My BMI is overweight, I lack balance and I have an estimated Wii age of FIFTY FRIGGIN’ THREE.
Holy shit.
So now it’s on like Donkey Kong Wii Fit. You and me are gonna go round and round. I will put up with a great many things in life, but having a computer tell me I am overweight, uncoordinated and ten years older than I actually am? Well, that’s just not gonna fly. We’ll see who wins this one.
Apparently, walking in stilettos counts for nothing with this machine.
Pfft.
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First??? Hee!!!
Congrats on welcoming the Wii into your family, even if its manners are lacking. I really want the Wii and Wii fit, but I am afraid of what it would tell me. The truth hurts and all.
But you look so young to have kids in their early thirties!
Oh man. The Wii is scary! I do want to get one though. Since I am already 53, I hope I don’t end up killing it.
I want me a WII and WII fit as well, but after the Stiletto Family ordeal, seems like I’ll have to hit the gym harder to get in shape in order to buy one…thanks for the heads up!
Oh, yeah, the Wii fit tells me I’m decades older than I am.
It consistently tells my husband he’s underweight (confirmation came at the doctor’s office last week when the dietitian informed us that he needs to gain TWENTY pounds) and then asks others if they’ve seen him recently when they work out on the Wii fit because the Wii is worried about him.
It’s aggressive nature worries me a bit!!
Hee hee! This is why I love my Nord. The Nord never tells me I’m overweight and doesn’t judge me when I turn the speed down after a particularly rough day. The Wii Fit? I would be afraid to walk by it. I heard that it’s been known to say “Excuse me, but only one at a time” when people weigh in. With my luck, it will do that to me. No thanks!
Hateful machine. It must not test ankle strength.
Wii Fit makes me very very afraid…but I’m still curious enough that maybe I’ll buy it sometime soon. Maybe.
53? Don’t worry, grandma, I’m sure you’ll be fine.
hahahaha
I’ve gone the gamout…..60 down to 23, depending on how much alcohol I’ve consumed.
Don’t worry, my Wii insults me on a daily basis. I have gotten down to my actual age once or twice and one day, I even got told I was 5 years younger! I’m currently avoiding my Wii Fit and I know it’s going to be all bitchy whenever I go back. Grr.
I love my Wii and Wii Fit. I would turn into raving lunatic if someone was to try to take it.
Over the years I’ve been ruthlessly ridiculed and laughed at for my manner of game playing. I tend rock, weave, and generally flail my body around whilst playing. (Not pretty) But who’s laughing now? All my years of looking the fool has made me a fantastic Wii’er. Please note that I’m over 40 and my Wii age is well… over 40 but that’s fine as long as it doesn’t say something like ‘Are you sure you’re alive?’
Overall I have to say I’ve never had so much fun laughing myself fit. So go out and get one.
Yeah.. we got the Wii.. dreading actually trying the Fit thing. *shivers at the thought*
It was sorta nice kicking the kid’s butt at boxing the other day. Granted we only went two rounds.. and he was distracted and had been playing a while so he was tired.. and I totally claimed victory as soon as I knocked his butt out and refused to try it again after he was rested. What? A mother has to savour every victory… no matter how lame or small.
I am really surprised there is no setting for stilettos. It seems a sacrilege.. really. =]
Hehehe thanks for the laugh.
I refuse to but that thing. I’m sure we are the only household in Silicon Valley that doesn’t own one.
This is exactly why I fought tooth and nail to find out–and do not have kids to blame it on–and now will not even get on it. It told me the husband was fat and he needs to gain 20 pounds, so I am not interested in its opinion of me.
Hell no
The wii fit.. she made me her bitch, and it is a sad, sad thing.
No, no. The Maven household is waiting for the next iteration of the Wii fit which will likely be more hospitable. We’re hoping for the “wii ain’t fit” or “wii fat” or even better – “wii WTF.”
Your story is the EXACT reason why I have mixed feelings about getting a Wii Fit. I really would have to banish my husband and daughter from the room for the results portion and then wake up super early to do my daily routine to avoid the scrutinizing stares…
Best of luck with your new archnemesis!
I always thought the Wii Fit would be fun. But the more stories I hear… the more I wonder if some whack job that got his lunch money taken every day is the one who came up with it… to get back at every normal person in the world….
I so must have this damn board. Your post had me laughing out loud for real.
While walking in stilettos is certainly an art form, I don’t think you’ll find many doctors who would grant you an exercise exemption. Your Wii is right. As annoying as it may be.
And I hear those things are pretty annoying.
I have a love-hate thing with my Wii Fit…
At the moment my Wii-Fit and I are not speaking.
We had guests over last weekend and they were all about trying out the Wii Fit, until it told them that they too had crappy BMIs and were all off-balance. I think it’s part of the motivation, or at least that’s what I’m telling my apparently 48 year old ass.
that thing would tell me I have great balance but then again I also have early dementia
Don’t fret, my dear. I have been mocked by the little Miis many a time. I think the last I checked, I was in the 60 year range. I did have a friend that recently got one that when she stepped on the board to get her weight, the thing ACTUALLY YELPED!
i’m going over to your house to beat your wii up! don’t nobody mess with the stiletto family!
The Fit is a cruel mistress, but don’t be too upset with the Fit age, it bounces all over. And if you keep doing it, your balance really will improve.
Good grief. Your bravery never ceases to amaze me. That wii evaluation sounds more humiliating than those naked-image x-ray machines at the airport. Count me out!
We thought about buying as Wii at Christmas and getting the Wii Fit, but then I realized no one, but no one, needed to see printed out proof of my physical abilities and downfalls unless that person had an M.D., following their name, and last I checked, my kids can’t even remember to brush their teeth, so it’s safe to say medical school isn’t in their near future. Same with Tool Man. Don’t even get m started there…
Anyway, I know without even trying it that the Wii Fit would probably congratulate me for being upright despite the pesky fact that I must be a corpse. Mama needs to bust some cardio soon!
Wasn’t it your husband that feel on his face in a hotel lobby? So the coordination and balance results – not so surprising. But if that effing WII had told my age was FIFTY FRIGGING THREE? Hell no. It would have been out the door. You are braver than I.
You’re so funny!
My age in the begining was 57! (It’s a bit off.) It didn’t take long for me to become the age 27. Why thank you Wii Fit :->
Now if I could just get it to stop telling me to step on the board then going “Oh!” Not nice
Don’t worry! Your 53 is young for a first timer! I was 64 and Dave was 57. Wii Fit said our friend who is a professional tennis player was overweight and he has abs that are a 12-pack. Wii just says that to taunt you and make you want to play more. Do the aerobics step. It’s fun. And have someone uncoordinated do the Hoola Hoop. It’s hilarious. I made Uncle Beaubeau do it. You and The Man will have lots of conversations now that start with “Guess what my Wii Fit Age was today”. Enjoy!!
Only 10 years? Sorry, I thought it’d be more. (As in I thought you were younger than that.)
My friend has a husband who is about 300 lbs of solid muscle and the wii grunts when he gets on the board.
Oh my! We have been thinking about getting the Wii Fit now that Mr D and I are trying to (ahem) get healthy (or healthier…just a little bit). But now I am dreading the experience! Remember I am the one that transformed the “exercise room” (aka the “just put that thing we don’t know what to do with in the exercise room – since the guest room is already full of junk – and we’ll find a permanent place for said thing at some point during the next decade”) into my scrapbooking room (so much more fun and stylish!).
And stilettos do require balance! Remember my failed attempt at “balance” coming out of that restaurant in NYC with Mr D, you and The Man? Yeah. Me too.
You go girl, show the Wii Fit who’s the boss!!!!
XO
M
OMG. This is hysterical. I’m still wiping tears.
And PS… your use of BWAHAHAHAHAHA was classic. Yep. Classic.
I don’t think I need the Wii Fit to tell me I’m old and out of shape. That’s why I have kids.;)
I love the Wii. But the Wii Fit games that come with the Wii are fun, but don’t give you a great work out, in my opinion. And I lose interest in them fast. The Gold’s Gym cardio game, however, ROCKS MY WORLD. It has shape boxing, which is So fun if you like to pretend you are kicking the shit out of your husban…I mean, somebody really mean.
Seriously, get it. It’s such a great AND fun workout!
Wii Fit is like that over-critical friend that pretends to be concerned for your best interest but really just makes you feel like shit. I hate mine.
Must hide this post from my wife. She is almost relentless in her pursuit of a Wii. She says it’s for the fitness, but I found a list of games in her handwriting. Nothing “fit” related.
So late to this post! I really want to get the Wii Fit. Although now I am scared. I can totally relate to that weight thing, just got a physical yesterday…I’m WHAT NOW??
LMAO! we have the wii, but not the fit part
and now? i’m not sure i want it. haha.
And how about the little Mii character ballooning up when it tells you you are overweight? What? Yours didn’t do that? ehm… yeah, no, mine didn’t either.