Monsters And Aliens…Also Known As Zombie Parents At The Movies

Saturday was an ugly day here in Texas. It’s the end of March and by this point, I’m usually encouraging melanoma as I mindlessly float in the pool and then suddenly realize I’ve turned an astonishing shade of red having forgotten my sunscreen….again. It’s total relaxation as I float in the pool in the cool temperatures doing amazing amounts of damage to my skin. However, in the face of possibly snow flurries…well, I just don’t know what to do with myself this time of year.

The bigger problem is the kids. I travel a lot so on the weekends, I like to do things with them so they don’t, you know, forget I exist and start to refer to me as, “That nice lady who used to live here but is now lawfully wed to someone called The Airport.” The thing is, by the time spring arrives, they have had just enough of finding fun things to do indoors. We live in Texas for a reason. Well two really. No state income tax being the front runner, the weather being a close second. (Be sure to remind me of this statement in a few months when I’m crying rivers of tears over the heat. Y’all don’t know how much I enjoy the whining about summer yet…but you will…)

Faced with another day of listening to them trying to murder each other while systematically dismantling the furniture upstairs to use as weapons of mass destruction against each other, The Man and I chose what we thought would be the most logical route. Take them to the movies.

So off we went to see Monsters vs. Aliens. We were smart, bought our tickets in advance and showed up early only to find the theater totally packed. We were lucky to find half a row unoccupied at the top which thrilled the kids to no end. Why? I do not know. I only wish I could get so happy crawling up flights of stairs to find seats in a packed theater. Youth is seriously under-rated.

We sat down and The Man went for snacks. Right about then a woman with three kids who appeared to be on her own showed up and asked us to move down a few seats to accomodate her and her girlfriend who was due to show up with two kids of her own. Happy to do it, we moved down a few seats. Then her cell phone rang and it was her friend who despite having been warned that the movie would sell out, had lolly gagged and not shown up early only to find the show sold out. Needless to say, this poor woman was less than amused. If there is one thing mothers know, it’s that showing up at a sold out movie with three kids under the age of six means one thing….repeated trips to the bathroom with no back up.

She proceeded to give her girlfriend a little bit of hell for not listening to her to show up early because…IT. WOULD. SELL. OUT! (I totally would have done the same thing), sighed and hung up the phone. Which of course was the moment one of her precious charges yelled, “Mom-eeeeeee I has to pee!!!!” Of course she did. So this poor woman had to look at me, a total stranger, and ask me to hold her seats (and I’m going to mention again that they were the top row) while she dragged all three of them to the bathroom. I could almost feel her pain.

The pain I didn’t know was on it’s way was defending those seats as ravenous movie goers looked for seats where the entire family could sit together. She had left all the coats behind to show that the seats were taken but of course from the bottom of a darkened theatre, these packs of parents couldn’t see that.

So on and on they came, only to be turned away. Which prompted this tweet.

“Total stranger has left me to defend her seats in sold out movie. People r growling @ me. Sigh.”

Think I was kidding about the growling? Oh no. Parents would make their way up the flights of stairs, kids and popcorn in tow, only to be shot down by me. I was told repeatedly, “You can’t hold seats.” Really? Oh yes, I can. It’s the Sisterhood of the Movie Going Mommies at this point, and I was determined not to be the weak link.

Finally I enlisted the children to assist until The Man got back. We spread out across the eight seats we were trying to control in an attempt to keep these savage seat seekers from making the trip up the stairs which was apparently pissing them off. (They were like zombies at this point, I kid you not, arms filled with popcorn, climbing blindly with a death stare in their eyes.) Mr. C deployed to the right, fanning himself out across two seats while Miss G stayed in her seat admiring how she looked in her 3D glasses in my compact mirror.

One last family of four made their way up the stairs despite our arm waving of, “No no noooooo…there are no seats to be had here!!!” (Important to note, zombie parents do not understand frantic arm flailing. Who knew?)

I should have known what would come next. The Dad did not look at all amused to have been there in the first place. After having crawled so many stairs with family in tow, leaving a wee trail of popcorn along the way, he gets all the way up, sees the coats strewn everywhere and looks at me and says shouts, “ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME???”

Which no, I was not, Zombie Dad. But A+ to you for your behavior in a G rated movie sir.

Finally The Man returned and shortly thereafter, the woman with three kids on her own at a movie. At which point, I had to tweet again…

“All is well now. No one had to get shanked at this g rated movie..but it was close!”

Which, to be clear, I did not go to the movie armed with a shank. But after that incident, I went all McGyver and spent the remainder of the film fashioning a shank out of my straw from my Diet Coke while finding ways to utilize my pickle as a launch pad from the top row should anyone choose to challenge me again. Sort of like a post traumatic stress disorder reflex of sorts…whatever. I was armed.

Good news is, I’ve now created my own weapon of mass movie destruction and you’d better watch it if you ever find me seated at the top row.

I’ll take your ass down McGyver style for sure.

PS: Come back tomorrow, soon, at some point in the future when I get my butt in gear and post again and I’ll tell you about our TOTAL. PARKING. FAIL. at the movies also known as, “Why I’m going to start preaching to my 10 year old why it’s important to respect adults not be a total shit head to adults who have paid for your service.”

PSS: Thanks to Captain Dumbass for being the first to comment and remind me that I had gone totally wheels off and not told y’all how the movie was. It was GREAT. But…try to see it in 3D if you can. There are some great effects and the kids love them. Plus? When you get tired like I did during the “Monster Fight Scene”? You can totally take a nap behind the 3D glasses…and no one will be the wiser. I pinky swear I won’t tell on you. Really.