Something Strange Indeed.

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I’m sure you’ve all seen the “Why You Should Check Your Children’s Homework” email floating around. I’d have to say, it’s good advice. When I checked Mr. C’s homework last week, I found this:

For the record, I said the weather was chilly not shitty. Pfft.

Ice Storm! In Texas! Really!

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There is an ice storm in Dallas today. Those of you up North can stop laughing right now. We like to freak out around here the minute it gets below freezing and rains. It’s 5:00 am right now and I’m watching the news for school closures. I get all excited every time they close the schools and start clapping my hands and jumping up and down like I’m still 10. Then I come to my senses and realize that should they close the schools, I will have to deal with my children all day while juggling conference calls and getting proposals out the door. It’s a mixed bag of emotions on days like this.

To make sure those of you up North are fully amused, let me tell you about how we handle bad weather around these parts. In an effort to convey that we take this nasty wintry mix seriously enough, the City of Dallas created“ICE FORCE ONE” which is the team they deploy in at the first sign of sleet. Should they totally eff it up, “ICE FORCE TWO” is deployed. I wonder if when “ICE FORCE TWO” is called, they laugh at the guys on “ICE FORCE ONE” for not being able to get the job done. I know I would. Also, I’d personally like to meet the guy who came up with those names and had the balls to present them to City Council.

The weather woman here is a story all by herself. She got here about a year ago with tons of buildup around her arrival. Her name is Jennifer Lopez so you can imagine the advertising campaign. Yeah, she may be Jennifer Lopez but she’s no Jenny From The Block, she was more like Jenny From The Block Party My Parents Had In 1972…which is to say, somewhat frumpy. I get the whole play on words angle they took, but really…it was a BIG stretch. I noticed (because when you are up at 5:00 am writing a post when you really really really wish you were still in bed you notice small things…wait, where was I?) that they seem to be attempting to tart her up a bit. I’ll give her some credit, with the highlights and new clothes, she now looks more like Jenny From The Block Party My Parents Had In 1983 In Honor Of My High School Graduation. Progress.

She does, however, take a back seat to the Traffic Girl who can’t seem to fit her ginormous boobs into the tiny jackets she wears because they are escaping from her bra and trying to cover her face. Ever see Tommy Boy?

Yeah, sorta like that only it’s “Big Boobs In A Little Coat….” I sit here amazed and in awe every time she turns sideways while reporting on the traffic as two watermellons fighting for control her breasts obscure entire lanes of oncoming traffic in the video behind her. I know bigger is better in Texas but really, there should be some limits people, or clothing guidelines. When those suckers make a break for it, and trust me people…they will, it’s gonna be ugly and I fear someone may be hurt.

Okay, 6:00 am now and while every school in North Texas would appear to be closed, ours is open so I’m off to rustle up two sleepy children, bundle them up tight and send them on their way.

I hope wherever you are, you stay warm today!

Weekend Antics Starring Miss G

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It’s the weekend again in Texas and you know what that means.

BarBQ?
Nice Weather?
Football?

Oh no…you know where this is going. CHEERLEADING. Guess what? Last weekend was too. Now before you run away, thinking this is going to be another cheer post…it is and it isn’t. It’s true, I do need to tell you a few cheer thing-a-ma-bobbies, but at after that, I’ll tell you about the night before this picture was taken…trust me, it’s worth the ride.

So this picture, me and little Miss G all made up for her cheer competition, (try to look beyond the thick makeup even if it is difficult) looks like it was taken at night, right? WRONG ANSWER. This was taken at 6:45 am before the sun was up. Um, yeah….really. Now the best part of this picture is the scarf in it. Proving once again you meet the coolest people online, this scarf was made for me by none other than April of April’s Little Family. (Click! Go visit…she is a hoot with two little boys and some of the best photography out there.) It is the softest, warmest, most spirity scarf I’ve ever owned. I told her what I needed and she made it just for me. If you are looking for a good Valentines Day gift, you really need to check out her Etsy shop….keeping in mind I am a snob of all things clothing and shoes, I am totally in love with this scarf and want to cuddle up with it on a daily basis. Also, Miss G has stolen it twice already. I may have to order a tiny one just for her.

So, thankfully, I no longer look like a non-spirity Mom at Cheerleading. Thanks, April…more orders on the way from me!

The real story here is the night before. We had to get up at 5:00 am Saturday to get ready last weekend so The Man and I were enjoying a quiet evening at home. For us, in good weather, that involves sitting on the back porch and drinking wine. Laid back, right? Add into it, I was on the third book of the Twilight series and you get downright lame. Two grown adults, with the ability to go out, sitting at home on a Friday, drinking sorta cheap wine…and the wife reading a book meant FOR TEENAGERS. Where’s the threat?

The threat, friends, lies in the picture above. Because while we were sitting on said back porch, drinking said sorta cheap wine and The Man was talking to me while I listened intently ignored him completely as I entrenched myself further in my Edward fantasy, our daughter….sweet angel, had an agenda of her own for the evening.

So as we sat enjoying our quiet night, The Man said to me, “Did you hear the doorbell ring?”. I have mentioned before that we have a rather vicious game of Ding Dong Ditch going on around here and I “hmmph’d” as he went to answer the door, completely uninterested, thinking “Edward, Edward, EDWAAARD!!!!” the entire time.

Much to my surprise, when I stopped fantasizing looked up a few moments later, there were two very large, dark shadows standing behind him in the kitchen. I sat there confused as he opened the door and said,

“Honey, can you stop reading for a minute and come tell the police you are okay????”

WHAT????????

I ran inside and looked at the two burly police men now standing in our family room. I told them I was fine and then asked what on earth they were doing here.

“We got a call from 911 from your home, maam, and we need to make sure everything is okay here.”

“MISS GEEEEEE!!!!!!!

At this point, our little angel ran out in her jammies all wide eyed and immediately realized the consequence of her actions. Almost immediately, she shouted, “I have to go to the bafroom!!!” and locked herself in the powder room.

Yep, she called the cops on us. Sigh….these are the things you just never really see coming when you lead a life as lame as ours can be some weekends.

So I went to the locked door and told her in no uncertain terms to come out right this very minute and apologize to the nice police officers. Tell me you would have played it differently, go ahead.

Apparently the police like to play it differently because when she finally opened the door a few moments later (but what felt like hours with armed policemen in our home) she emerged and looked up at me with the big “What Me???” doe eyes at which point I promptly ordered her to apologize yet again.

Then I heard him.

“Maam….please step away from the child.”

…at which point I ran into the laundry room, threw myself in the dryer and hit the fluff cycle.

The policeman squatted down and asked her in the sweetest tone if anyone had hurt her, if anyone had scared her, if she was in danger. My heart broke a little at how sweet he was as she answered that no, she was fine…everything was fine. He then told her that if she ever wanted to talk to him, she could call the normal phone number and any of the policemen would be so happy to hear from her and to please call ANYTIME, just please, sweetie, not on 911 as that is reserved for people who are really, really scared.

After I crawled out of the dryer, my heart broke just a little bit looking at these two police officers, so young and strong, yet so kind and gentle and prayed silently that God would watch over them that night as they left our house laughing at my sweet little girl and her antics and telling us to enjoy the rest of our night….no matter how truly lame the two of us really are.

God bless them always. There is no finer calling than the men and women in our country in uniforms, be they military, state or local….I adore their bravery and desire to keep us safe every day.

I’m just hoping my daughter loses her desire to talk to them on the phone.

Dear Facebook, Thanks For Clearing That Up

Dear Facebook;

I’d like to thank you for clearing up something for me that has bothered me for most of my adult life. When I was 12 years old, I was in love with the coolest boy in all of junior high. He knew how to do the hustle like no ones business, he wore the shiny polyester shirts to dances….he even had the coolest hair, sorta shaggy and oh so very cool in the 70s. One fateful day, he gave me his ID bracelet to wear and asked me to go steady with him. I may have mentioned to you before, dear Facebook, that I was perhaps not what one would consider an entirely “fit” pre-teen.

Okay, okay, I was just plain and simple fat.

Ahem.

Anyway, I couldn’t believe he chose me! ME!!!! Of all people!!! He even took me to one school dance where we danced the required meter length apart with ram rod straight arms to FreeBird (let’s not talk about that awkward moment when the tempo picks up) and shook our groove thang to “I’m Your Boogie Man”. I think he even bought me a corsage.

But that could be me building all this up in my mind.

Anyway, our romance was short lived and he broke up with me two weeks into our relationship, topping my previous relationship length of ten days. As you can imagine, dear Facebook, I was pretty torn up about this. I thought once we hit the eleven day mark we were made to be together. Alas it was not to be. He went on to a much thinner girl breaking her heart in almost as many days. And then another, and another….and possibly another. We all lost count quite frankly deeming him a junior high heart breaker.

Years later, in high school, I would forgive him for casting my love aside in 7th grade and years after that I would meet up with him at our 20 year reunion only to drink what may have been one (five) too many and spend the better part of the night swapping stories about people we grew up with. I don’t think I need to tell you, dear Facebook, that the next morning I woke up with a slight major headache and a new found appreciation for a friend I had lost touch with many years ago.

In the years since, I lost touch with him again but always carried the battle scars with me of the unceremonious dumping I took at his hands. Why did he not love me then? What had I done wrong to spurn the love of my life at the age of twelve? (Ok, maybe I thought about it once….when looking through old pictures…but still, you get it, right?)

But then Facebook, you gave me the answers I had been seeking for so long when a few weeks ago he invited me to be his friend. My jaw dropped when I saw his name pop up and I immediately accepted his friend request and shot a note off to him.

    Me: WOW….it is old school week here on Facebook!!! I think I’ve connected with like 10 people in the past week or so! How are you?? I travel to your city at least once a quarter, would love to see you!!! Tell me what all has been going on with you!
    Him: Hey, would be great to see you. I had so much fun with you at the reunion!! It is old school week. This is fun. Let’s see, since reunion, I got divorced, came out of the closet, found the love of my life, lost him, and now a single guy having a blast……..in a nutshell.
    Me: WAIT…you are gay? This is why it didn’t work out for us in seventh grade!!!! And to think, I always thought it was because I was a fat ass back then. :)
    Him: Yep. Had nothing to do with your fat ass. I was busy looking at Bill’s ass. Lol
    Me: Thanks, I just threw up a little in my mouth. :)

Ok, so to be clear…the throwing up in my mouth thing has nothing to do with him being gay….because I am a card carrying supporter of all things gay…it has everything to do with the guy he was looking at because…EWWWWWW…while the dude was admittedly hot in 7th grade, he peaked right about then and is now….SUPER EWWWWWW.

It would seem that mentally, perhaps, PERHAPS….I am still in the 7th grade but we can talk about that another time, okay?

Anyway Facebook, I just wanted to thank you for connecting me with so many old friends that I shared a major portion of my life with and most especially for clearing this little bit up for me so I can, some thirty plus years later, know that it wasn’t my odd shape or my lack of dance moves that lost the junior high hottie…

He just wasn’t that into my gender.

Yours,
TSM

PS: Also, I’m going to need to ask you again to tell all those Speed Date dudes that this Mamma is not on the market. Sorry HotDaddy, SuperMike and most especially IRawkUrWurld, I know you will miss hooking up with the hotness that is middle aged me.

PSS: Anyone leaving a single anti-gay remark will be forever and ever banned by me from my site. I love this guy still…and I always will.

Best. Job. Ever.

First of all, thanks to all of you who stopped by and read The Man’s post yesterday and left a comment. He is pretty darn pleased with himself today having beat my all time comment number and is now strutting around the house like a non-robotic and way more handsome version of Al Gore claiming he pretty much invented blogging….and the internet for that matter. He had a great time and has since spent a considerable amount of time thinking about how to embarass me on my own blog going forward.

Superb.

Now…on to more pressing issues. I think I found a job I’m going to apply for. (Shhh….don’t tell my present employer. Oh wait, they read my blog…darn the luck!) It’s beyond perfect. You have to live on the Islands of the Great Barrier Reef, it pays really well, all living expenses paid, and you have to walk on a beach all day and BLOG ABOUT IT.

What????

Think I’m kidding? Oh no, friend, I’m not.

Now as you can imagine, there is some serious competition for this job. One guy tattooed, “I Heart the Great Barrier Reef” on his arm which is all fine and good until he doesn’t get the job. Then what? I hope he liked it a lot before because he is going to be lovin’ on it for the rest of his life now. That is a serious commitment to the job application process right there. One woman offered to do all of Australia’s laundry plus clean up after the kangaroos. The laundry part sounds like a pretty massive chore, but I could do that. Kangaroo poop? Um, pass.

I reviewed several of the applicants so far to see what I’m up against but my favorite so far is this happy, hyper English guy, Joseph:

On second thought, after watching him, I am not worthy of this job no matter how luxurious it is. My vote is for Joseph because more than anything, I want to watch him flailing around wildly as he vlogs from the Islands of the Great Barrier Reef….I just hope he doesn’t cause a commotion among the clown fish.

PS: Goodfather? I think this one has your name all over it….GO FOR IT!!! Just send pictures of Panda and IB, you’ll be a slam dunk. :)

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