The Shoebox Chronicles: Shoe-gasm

Welcome to another edition of The Shoebox Chronicles!

A while back Kat over at 3 Bedroom Bungalow suggested that I talk about a favorite pair of shoes. One would think I could have come up with that on my own given that I am The Stiletto Mom and all but no, never occurred to me. This is why I love you all so much…you don’t really seem to mind that I have no idea what I’m doing most days. Then Dorsey over at Searching For My Inner Skinny, as usual, had to take it one step further and asked me to not only describe a favorite pair of shoes….but tell her about a pair that gave me a shoe-gasm.

It’s embarassing to admit but I have to be honest and tell you that I have never actually had a shoe-gasm. Even though I am an admitted shoe whore, it’s just never happened for me. I am an open minded person, I’ve experimented with several different shoes, some of them designer even. I think it’s just that I never met the right pair.

Until this weekend. Oh yes friends, it happened. And it? Was freaking FABULOUS.

It all started when I walked into Neiman’s. I had my loot from the big bet burning a hole in my pocket. I made my way to the shoe department with great anticipation. What would they feel like on my feet? Would they be firm and confident? Or gentle and inviting? Would they caress the arches of my feet in a way they’ve never been caressed before? Eyes darting back and forth, my heart racing with the thought of what they would look like, I surveyed the room for the pair of Christian Louboutins that would be my perfect match. And then I saw them.

Hello Lovah…

I’ll admit I was a little shaky as I handed them to the salesperson….I blushed as he smiled at my expression. He gently took the shoe from my hand and guided me to a plush chair in which to sit. My mind began to race….excitement at what was about to happen to my feet, shame at the wretched excess of what I was considering doing. What would my other shoes think? They are pretty, they’ve been good shoes…how could I turn my back on them like this? They’ve been loyal to me, heels never breaking, always perfectly matching my outfit…comfortable even. As shame began to flood my emotions, I considered leaving. Something about this all just felt so wrong, so….dirty.

And then my salesman came back with the shoes. He knelt down in front of me, glancing up as he lifted the lid off the box. He smiled slightly as he slowly pulled the red tissue paper back exposing the shoes. He was good….soooo good….he was definitely a man who knew what he was doing. With the slightest flick of his wrist, he quickly pulled the shoe from the box and looked at me knowingly. “Give me your foot….let’s see how this feels…” he said.

Slowly he slid the shoe on to my ever so slightly shaking foot.

Oh….oh….oooohhhhhhh………

I could feel the heat coming from the shoe, the tingle, starting at the arch of my foot and beginning to spread slowly up my leg……and then it happened.

YES! YES!!!! YESSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!

Sort of like this:

After a few disapproving looks from the Dallas Society types, I stood up on my shaky legs, thanked the nice salesman for being so gentle and knowing with a novice like me and quietly paid him before he had a chance to call security.

Feeling like a born again woman, I confidently took the shoes, tucked them into the trunk of my car and headed home. I’ve heard shoes like to just doze off after giving a good shoe-gasm so I thought the darkness of the trunk would be the perfect place for them to relax after bringing my feet such joy and the knowledge of what a true, loving shoe-gasm could feel like.

We got home, I lovingly lifted them from the trunk, brought them in and gently unwrapped them. And then we had a make-out session.

Now I know a few of you guys, and by guys, I mean Man Bloggers, are just not going to get all the hype here. It’s not just that these are the most comfortable shoes known to man (well woman actually)….they are literally sex on heels. The way they make my calves pop when I wear them, the fact that they are black and will go with EVERYTHING…all that pales in comparison to the red sole of the shoe that screams, “Look at me! Look at meeeee!!!!” as I prance out of a room. It is nothing more than pure, unadulterated conceit in the form of a simple black shoe. In short, they are right up my alley.

Huge shout out to Mama Dawg from Two Dogs running whose relentless reading of Us and People paid off Thursday as she was the first one to guess my little word scramble. Sure, people call those magazines rags full of useless information. I call them my bible because having all that celebrity knowledge is what allowed me to win this little bet in the first place. Oh, and Cameron? I’m still not going to tell you what the bet was. Mama Dawg….you are my kind of gal!!!

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go take a shower.

This hot mess edition of The Shoebox Chronicles brought to you by my favorite new Brit, Kat at 3 Bedroom Bungalow and the ever snarky Dorsey at Searching For My Inner Skinny. Gals, I love you both…thanks for the great idea!

Tagged as: Christian Louboutin, jimmy choo, Manolo Blahnik, Neiman Marcus, Neimans, shoes