The Shoebox Chronicles: Shoe-gasm

Welcome to another edition of The Shoebox Chronicles!

A while back Kat over at 3 Bedroom Bungalow suggested that I talk about a favorite pair of shoes. One would think I could have come up with that on my own given that I am The Stiletto Mom and all but no, never occurred to me. This is why I love you all so much…you don’t really seem to mind that I have no idea what I’m doing most days. Then Dorsey over at Searching For My Inner Skinny, as usual, had to take it one step further and asked me to not only describe a favorite pair of shoes….but tell her about a pair that gave me a shoe-gasm.

It’s embarassing to admit but I have to be honest and tell you that I have never actually had a shoe-gasm. Even though I am an admitted shoe whore, it’s just never happened for me. I am an open minded person, I’ve experimented with several different shoes, some of them designer even. I think it’s just that I never met the right pair.

Until this weekend. Oh yes friends, it happened. And it? Was freaking FABULOUS.

It all started when I walked into Neiman’s. I had my loot from the big bet burning a hole in my pocket. I made my way to the shoe department with great anticipation. What would they feel like on my feet? Would they be firm and confident? Or gentle and inviting? Would they caress the arches of my feet in a way they’ve never been caressed before? Eyes darting back and forth, my heart racing with the thought of what they would look like, I surveyed the room for the pair of Christian Louboutins that would be my perfect match. And then I saw them.

Hello Lovah…

I’ll admit I was a little shaky as I handed them to the salesperson….I blushed as he smiled at my expression. He gently took the shoe from my hand and guided me to a plush chair in which to sit. My mind began to race….excitement at what was about to happen to my feet, shame at the wretched excess of what I was considering doing. What would my other shoes think? They are pretty, they’ve been good shoes…how could I turn my back on them like this? They’ve been loyal to me, heels never breaking, always perfectly matching my outfit…comfortable even. As shame began to flood my emotions, I considered leaving. Something about this all just felt so wrong, so….dirty.

And then my salesman came back with the shoes. He knelt down in front of me, glancing up as he lifted the lid off the box. He smiled slightly as he slowly pulled the red tissue paper back exposing the shoes. He was good….soooo good….he was definitely a man who knew what he was doing. With the slightest flick of his wrist, he quickly pulled the shoe from the box and looked at me knowingly. “Give me your foot….let’s see how this feels…” he said.

Slowly he slid the shoe on to my ever so slightly shaking foot.

Oh….oh….oooohhhhhhh………

I could feel the heat coming from the shoe, the tingle, starting at the arch of my foot and beginning to spread slowly up my leg……and then it happened.

YES! YES!!!! YESSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!

Sort of like this:

After a few disapproving looks from the Dallas Society types, I stood up on my shaky legs, thanked the nice salesman for being so gentle and knowing with a novice like me and quietly paid him before he had a chance to call security.

Feeling like a born again woman, I confidently took the shoes, tucked them into the trunk of my car and headed home. I’ve heard shoes like to just doze off after giving a good shoe-gasm so I thought the darkness of the trunk would be the perfect place for them to relax after bringing my feet such joy and the knowledge of what a true, loving shoe-gasm could feel like.

We got home, I lovingly lifted them from the trunk, brought them in and gently unwrapped them. And then we had a make-out session.

Now I know a few of you guys, and by guys, I mean Man Bloggers, are just not going to get all the hype here. It’s not just that these are the most comfortable shoes known to man (well woman actually)….they are literally sex on heels. The way they make my calves pop when I wear them, the fact that they are black and will go with EVERYTHING…all that pales in comparison to the red sole of the shoe that screams, “Look at me! Look at meeeee!!!!” as I prance out of a room. It is nothing more than pure, unadulterated conceit in the form of a simple black shoe. In short, they are right up my alley.

Huge shout out to Mama Dawg from Two Dogs running whose relentless reading of Us and People paid off Thursday as she was the first one to guess my little word scramble. Sure, people call those magazines rags full of useless information. I call them my bible because having all that celebrity knowledge is what allowed me to win this little bet in the first place. Oh, and Cameron? I’m still not going to tell you what the bet was. Mama Dawg….you are my kind of gal!!!

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go take a shower.

This hot mess edition of The Shoebox Chronicles brought to you by my favorite new Brit, Kat at 3 Bedroom Bungalow and the ever snarky Dorsey at Searching For My Inner Skinny. Gals, I love you both…thanks for the great idea!


50 Comments


  1. carrie said:

    I am a total shoe whore but my infatuation is cole hann, keen, born and ecco.
    Love the shoes and now… i thnk I want a pair!

  2. Sprite's Keeper said:

    FIRST!
    Wow, I’ve been smoke free for almost 3 years now, but now I seem to need a smoke after reading this…

  3. Sprite's Keeper said:

    CARRRIEEEEE!!!!!!
    Man, usually Dee steals my thunder, but YOU!?

  4. Robin said:

    Da-am. I am not much of a high-heel girl (those are comfy? really? but after reading that, you just may have converted me! Though I am seriously afraid of taking steps in heels that high. I am just not all that coordinated.
    They sure are hawt. Enjoy them!

  5. bex said:

    one word: wow!

  6. Cameron said:

    Are you keeping it a secret out of embarrassment???? Maybe your insider knowledge of Angelina and Brad scored you some bitchin swag, but I’m still going with a dare that you streaked the neighborhood or did some drunken table dance.

  7. Amy said:

    Wow….those are my dream shoes. I may have to talk about you on my Wednesday shoe porn post.

    Again, wow.

  8. DCD said:

    OH.MY.GOD.

    It’s like watching porn. (er, I would imagine) Those shoes are drool-worthy. I’m so proud of you that you spent that money on yourself. Clearly, you had to have those babies.

  9. Jenni Jiggety said:

    Ooooh…those shoes at hottt! ::::fans self:::

  10. Jennifer said:

    Those are beautiful. Just gorgeous. I love them. Good for you! Every woman should have a pair of designer shoes in her closet.

  11. justsomethoughts said:

    ok. i shall be the first male to wade in here. haltingly. umm….er…..nice shoes….

  12. Keely said:

    Those are hot. I’d say you were my shoe-whore hero, but my BFF still holds that title. I bet you’d give her a run for her money though.

    Not quickly, of course, in those heels, but you’d give her a run.

  13. Sarah said:

    Those are beautiful. You wouldnt happen to be a size 10 would you? I may have to come and hunt you down ; ) Congrats on your new shoes. I am drooling with envy!

  14. Jim said:

    There are few things sexier than a woman in a nice set of heels. I’m just saying ;)

    Congrats!

  15. goodfather said:

    Yup, I’ve never had a shoe-gasm. But those heels are smokin’ hot. Even a guy can see that ;) .

  16. Connie @ Young and Relentless said:

    OMG SHOES!

    [goes to craft room to find red paint for bottom of shoes...]

  17. Captain Dumbass said:

    Oh my. That first picture…

    Generally, heels don’t really do much for me, but… oh my.

  18. foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog) said:

    Those heels are bliss, bliss, bliss! Even my typically tennis-shoe-clad feet can tell that! There are parts of me weeping right now because they are so beautiful!

    Also beautiful? YOU! Wow, you little high-heeled hottie!

  19. Casey said:

    Congrats on the new shoes, I could NEVER walk in them. My shoegasms include flip flops and Sketchers… why can’t I be normal?

  20. vodkamom said:

    OMG If I wore something like that to school I would topple over in a heartbeat and take out a couple dozen kids. wait a minute….send me over a pair.

  21. vodkamom said:

    p.s. I LOVE the “hello luvah….”.

  22. pamela from the dayton time said:

    Oh, and the RED ON THE SOLE!!!!!!!!!!!!

  23. DeeMarie said:

    I’m speechless. Those shoes are uh-mazing. I so want a pair of my own now. Yep, I’m even a little more jealous of you now!!
    Talk to you soon!!!!!!

  24. Maria S. said:

    Having a shoe-gasm by proxy….RIGHT NOW.
    Those are the hottest shoes EVER….EVER.
    Man!

  25. kat said:

    My first shoe-gasm came from a pair of jessica simpson high heel boots. Hope you have many more to come. Oh and thanks for the shout out!

  26. Chris said:

    Definitely hotness in shoe form.

  27. Cathy said:

    Good for you! There is no feeling — absolutely no feeling! — like wearing a pair a super-hot heels. None. Whatsoever. Enjoy!!!

  28. Lisa said:

    mmmmm. yummy. Is that a platform on the front? I find that a platform makes the walking-of-the-heels immensely easier, and that one is subtle…not trendy. Smart of you to buy the goes with anything black, too. You’ll wear these babies forever.

  29. Krystal said:

    Ugh!! Alas, I bow down to you once again and wonder how I can be in the presence of such a shoe-diva-queen. I think this is the closest I have ever come to a designer pair of shoes.

    I will live vicariously through you and dream that one day I just might be able to own a pair - for now I will settle with Targét Designer Shoes.

  30. HeatherPride said:

    I’m so jealous. I have a ridiculous shoe size - 4.5. I can never find shoes that fit. I have to shop in the…..(how can I admit this publicly?) kid’s department! It has affected my life in so many ways….

  31. Mo said:

    I can’t even begin to articulate how unbelievably jealous I am right now!

    My luck I would have walked in there, cash in hand, and asked for a size 5…only to be disappointed as I often am that they are out of my size.

    Congrats!

  32. MommyNamedApril said:

    how fitting that it’s called The Shoebox Chronicles :-)

    they’re very nice.

  33. Dorsey said:

    First, thanks SO much for the shout-out. And of course I’d need to take it to THAT place, otherwise it wouldn’t be me!! hehe

    Those are G-O-R-G-E-O-U-S!!!!! I think I just twinged a little upon seeing the soles of those shoes!! Oh yes, those shoes have SOULS!!!!

    Alright, when we get together, I’ll wear my hottest shoes, and you wear yours and we’ll get pics of our sexy feet!! hehehe

  34. Beth said:

    So perfect for the holidays. Look out Texas!

  35. CK Lunchbox said:

    Shoe-gasm? I’m so dumb. I actually was foolish enough to laugh at this in front of “Lois” and almost had my brains beat in for it.

    Of course I got a better sense of things this Sunday as we strolled through the mall and she mentioned wanting to “walk through” the shoe dept. It’s clear the two of us have different definitions of “walking through.” Mine being a literal interpretation, and her’s being to stop, caress, fondle, sniff, flirt and French kiss all things leather with a tall heel and a price tag well into three figures.

  36. CK Lunchbox said:

    Is there such a thing as calling “lasts” on the comments? Again, I’m only demonstrating my propensity for tardiness and missing the boat.

  37. blissfully caffeinated said:

    Sorry, CK, I’ve got lasties here.

    And oh, the shoes. Oh my. They. Are. So. Beautiful.

    Love the picture of you kissing the shoes. Because, yes. If they were mine, I would kiss them too.

  38. Anndi said:

    I’m all tingly!

    I would kiss them and look at them and put them on the pillow next to me at night.

    AMAZING!

  39. tattooedminivanmom said:

    Those are called F*ck me shoes.

    Very hot.

  40. Mama Dawg said:

    Whoo, hoo! Thanks for the shout out! I ADORE your shoes. I LOVE your shoes. I am DROOLING over your shoes.

    Those are smokin’ hot!

  41. Petra said:

    Those shoes are HOTTTTTTTT!!! I am a little turned on…

  42. Sammanthia said:

    Just be careful that you don’t get pregnant.;)

  43. Becky said:

    Hot hot Planet HOT! Those are special! I love the stacked heel. I don’t think I’ve ever experienced a shoegasm–pursegasms, plenty–but now you’ve got me wondering what I’m missing.

  44. Becky said:

    I mean the stacked sole, that is. :)

  45. steenky bee said:

    How high are those things? I love them. Love them. The Angelina Jolie wanna-be chick from Transformers has a pair or those and she wears them ALL THE TIME. The stacked sole, hell, the red sole are what did it for me. My husband, on the other hand, got all hot and bothered looking at your clean garage. He was wondering why anyone would cover up a beautiful set of tires with “a random pair of shoes”. Don’t worry, I smacked him hard. How dare he? I am so tempted to go out and buy an expensive pair of heels down to the Macy’s and stab him slightly in the neck then return them. Although, can one ever just “slightly stab” someone? My plan requires more thought.

  46. Eastcoastfan said:

    LOVE THEM. Excellent choice. Amazing with jeans or a dress, or even in Vegas, with a pair of super short shorts :)

    You deserve them!

  47. carrie said:

    dude…… I was first and did not even know it!

  48. Victoria said:

    OH MY! Christian Louboutins! My absolute favorite! I have been lusting after those platform puppies forever! Or at least a while now. I think my all time favorite are my patent-leather, platform, peep-toe Louboutins. It’s love in the form of 3 inch heels. Shoes are my absolute downfall. My feet always pretty much stay the same size, even if I am STILL haven’t lost enough of the baby weight. Really? I just love your new shoes AND your blog name. They’re just perfect. *le sigh*

  49. Bobbi said:

    I’m sooooo jealous! I’ve wanted a pair of Louboutins for so long.

    One day I will have a pair, one day I will have a pair, one day I will have a pair….

  50. auntie said:

    There aren’t really words to describe the fabulousness of those shoes. I think I need a cigarette now.


Leave a Reply

XHTML: You can use these tags: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong> Line breaks are automatic.