Baby Punk’d

by Mary Anne on December 10, 2008

I promised a while back, I’d share another embarrassing story about what a total disappointment I can be as a Mother. This one’s a biggie so go grab a coffee, take a bio break or whatever you need to do, because I cannot be responsible for your reaction, mental or physical, to this one when you read it.

Seven years ago, I was out shopping for Christmas wrapping paper at my favorite place on earth, The Container Store. It’s an annual excursion that The Man and I will probably be making this weekend. That year however, I was on my own though as The Man was at work and so I ventured out with one six week old infant and one potty training almost three year old in tow. I thanked numerous customers as they ooo’d and awe’d over Miss G…she looked adorable, no doubt about it. Sorta like this:

My Christmas papers and their bows at that time were a work of art. First a main “theme” paper would be chosen. Then, about five different selections that compliment the winner of the main “theme” would need to be found. Meticulous precision was applied to this process and the time involved was nothing short of legendary. (BTW, this was way back when I had the time to think it through, in the years since, I’ve seriously looked at trying a brown paper bag theme, and bows would be optional) Papers were examined carefully, auditioned against other papers for their ability to blend, yet leave the main theme paper dominant. The Container Store was the only place this could happen because they have the best selection and the best quality. And yes, I am aware that all of this collectively makes me a huge pain in the ass. But you already knew that, right?

After making my final starring and supporting cast wrapping paper selections, the three of us proceeded to checkout. That’s when Mr. C sounded the bell that it was time to make a side trip to the restroom. When you are in the middle of potty training there really is no time to waste and so we high tailed it to the bathroom. Thankfully, the extra big stall with the diaper changing station was open and we ran in.

I decided to go for a two for one and while Mr. C did his bidness, I woke up my perfectly behaved, well dressed little angel to change her diaper. Miss G complied by opening her enormous blue eyes and flashing me the most adorable cherubic toofless grin.

Mr. C, however, decided compliance was not in order that day. He finished his bidness and summarily ran out of the stall and much to my horror continued on through the open door of the restroom and into the general population just as I was finishing her diaper up. In my mind, in this highly civilized store, there was the one person lurking immediately beyond the door who would grab him and take him away from me forever as he ran out by himself. And I freaked. Big Time. I snapped her onsie shut threw her pants over my shoulder, put her in her carrier and picked it up full steam ahead.

Only I forgot something.

In my madness, I had not fastened the seat belt in her carrier and as I lunged forward, the handle locked and tiny Miss G became a baby projectile. She sailed through the air silently as I dropped the carrier and tried to catch her all the while yelling, “SOMEBODY STOP HIM!!!!”. I realized at that moment my catching skills suck and she landed, face down, on the floor of the bathroom with the most sickening THUD I have ever heard. For what seemed like eternity, but was probably about 2 seconds she didn’t move…because let’s face it, at six weeks she couldn’t lift her head and was more than likely as stunned as I was and wondering…”What the hell, Mommy???” I reached down and grabbed her up, she looked confused and there was a little blood coming out of her nose.

Convinced I had killed or at least limited her ability to ever have a cohesive thought in all of her life, I ran screaming from the bathroom only to be greeted by a woman who worked there and had heard all the commotion. She had grabbed Mr. C and had him in hand as I sobbed and put Miss G back into her carrier, carefully snapping the seatbelt this time. She even helped me to the car where she gave me a hug as I started to get in my car. (More reasons I love The Container Store…their employees are happier than those at Disney)

I called The Man at work and told him through my sobs how I had tried to kill our daughter as we raced to the emergency room. Miss G had dozed back to sleep at this point which I interpreted as a sign of a concussion. The Man was rushing to meet us at the ER and the whole way there I told Mr. C to do the things he normally loved to do, namely poke her and throw things at her to wake her up. Blood still seeping out of her nose and not waking up, we practically flew to the emergency room, Mr. C enjoying the ride of his life where he was allowed to torture this frilly little thing that had invaded his turf so recently and taken the spotlight off him.

We got there, and I ran in with both kids, still sobbing and basically telling them to go ahead and call CPS because I was the most horrible mother EVER and should not be entrusted with my own children. On and on I went, giving a graphic description of everything that had happened…I was almost hyperventilating.

Guess what they did?

They laughed at me. Yes, laughed. Because while I was busy telling them how I had tried to kill my beautiful baby by throwing her on the nasty floor of the bathroom, she had opened her eyes behind my back and was smiling at the receptionist. Like this:

After assuring me that this type of thing happens all the time and I was not in fact the very worst mother on the planet, they said she should be checked out just to be safe. The Man raced in, freaking out, just as a really hot Doctor came in to examine her. That’s when our daughter made her first big move….she blew a spit bubble at him and giggled for the first time in her life. Little bloody nose, freaked out mom, hospital scene in full force…this was Miss G’s first attempt at flirting.

Dr. McDreamy (because in my memory now he totally looks like Patrick Dempsey) laughed and flirted back at her at which point she pulled her utlimate “come hither” move and wiggled her toes at him. She checked out just fine but I think I knew at that moment, this little thing, this prissy girl I wanted all my life, had just Baby Punk’d me and would be doing so for a long time to come.

You know what? Seven years later, she still Punks us and she wins….EVERY TIME.

On the next edition of “Who On Earth Thought It Was A Good Idea To Let These Two Have Children” I’ll tell you how The Man and I taught Mr. C to cuss like a sailor before he was two. As far as parents go, we really are impressive.

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{ 43 comments… read them below or add one }

1 steenky bee December 10, 2008 at 1:21 pm

FIRST!

2 steenky bee December 10, 2008 at 1:21 pm

How cool am I? Not very, that’s how.

3 steenky bee December 10, 2008 at 1:23 pm

I always have to check the backseat to make sure I’ve strapped the kiddos in and especially that I haven’t left the smallest one sitting in her portable car seat in our driveway. I’ve not left her behind yet, but who knows, there’s still days left in this year.

4 Casey December 10, 2008 at 1:35 pm

Oh you poor thing. I’m so afraid that I’m going to catapult Elliot out of her carseat but I haven’t done so yet. And on the bathroom floor? Ick! I’d be more worried about dousing her in GermX than getting her to the ER. Glad she made it through alive and omg, those pictures are ADORABLE, her and her cute baby cheeks!

5 Mama Dawg December 10, 2008 at 1:37 pm

Oh, man. I’ve never done that. But I did leave mine on the bed and she rolled off and hit the floor head first. My bed was also on risers, so it was quite high off the floor.

Plus, I had wood floors and no rug.

Yeah, I had hysterics over that one.

6 Cyndi December 10, 2008 at 1:40 pm

I only pray that my missteps can be this funny in a few years :blush: Thanx for the laughs and the beautiful pix!

7 Anndi December 10, 2008 at 1:52 pm

*snort*

That had to be the funniest parent of two kids story I’ve ever heard!

You have a great story to tell at her wedding. Which, if she continues to flirt like that, will occur before her 15th birthday. LOL ;)

8 Cameron December 10, 2008 at 1:55 pm

That girl must be damn tough. This, plus the collarbone thing…she’ll be able to hold her own once she gets big. Better hope she doesn’t get stronger than mom ;)

9 Jim December 10, 2008 at 1:58 pm

lol..that’s funny now that it’s removed way far away in time.

I still remember when my son stood up suddenly in a cart and fell head first in a parking lot. He was around two and loved to tell people how he fell out of the cart.

10 HeatherPride December 10, 2008 at 2:03 pm

VERY IMPRESSIVE!!! Ugh, I know the feeling of watching your baby go head-first into a hard floor. Not too long ago, I was strolling Claire around the historic section of town, complete with cobblestone walkways, and we were exiting a store and going down a narrow set of about 3 stairs when the front wheels got caught on a cobblestone and her stroller flipped completely over and Claire fell face first into the sidewalk. It was almost as awesome as your story. But not quite.

11 Beth December 10, 2008 at 2:10 pm

That’s one trip you won’t forget! And I’ve seen that “what the hell Mommy” look before. Your daughter is adorable.

12 Robin December 10, 2008 at 2:20 pm

Okay, what up with these baby carriers than can even allow for a baby projectile moment? Seriously?
Love how your daughter played it up for McDreamy… now that’s a great kid!

13 Michelle December 10, 2008 at 2:41 pm

I could totally see this happening to me. I guess I’d better step up the potty training!

14 Keely December 10, 2008 at 2:50 pm

Ooooh, I felt sick for you there. I’m pretty sure everyone has those ‘proud mommy’ moments.

15 Lisa December 10, 2008 at 3:08 pm

When S was a babe – just about 1 – I was in Crate and Barrel (my favorite store) browsing for a Mother’s Day gift. I wasn’t used to having a mobile child, so rather than keep an eye on her or strap her into a stroller, I just browsed as though she knew she was supposed to stay beside me. Hello? She’s 1! Anyway, she roamed off, and I began running through the store like a crazed madwoman, yelling her name. A helpful salesperson took my arm & guided me to a lost little girl WHO WASN’T MINE. I eventually found her – corralled at the foot of a large staircase by lots of helpful customers.

None of us are qualified to be a mom.

16 Petra December 10, 2008 at 3:43 pm

Holy snot, I would have FREAKED out. You poor thing, what a disaster!

But don’t feel bad because I have so many of these stories, it isn’t even funny. I am constantly reminded of how incapable I am every day.

But my kids have survived so far, so I must be doing something right.

Must be the helmets and pads I have them wear now..

17 Tricia December 10, 2008 at 3:48 pm

This is one of the best mommy moments I’ve read in quite a while. You poor thing, I can’t imagine how frightened you must have been.

18 Captain Dumbass December 10, 2008 at 4:07 pm

Is there anything worse than that thud noise?

19 tracey December 10, 2008 at 4:12 pm

Holy Hell, I know that thud.

My niece WAS strapped into her baby carrier when her stroller tipped over from the wind catching under the umbrella we had used to shield her from the intense sun.

On a hill.

2 feet away from the lake we were swimming at.

Still shudder to picture that stroller sinking into the lake….

20 foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog) December 10, 2008 at 4:25 pm

Tool Man missed a step while he was coming down the stairs while he was carrying our youngest son, who was just a few weeks old at the time. He plopped down, and the baby catapulted from his arms and I couldn’t jump the three stairs from our living room to the family room fast enough. It was like a slow motion horror show. Just thinking of it, and reading about your daughter, made me cringe in that way that I think a lot of parents can relate to

21 Lynn December 10, 2008 at 5:35 pm

I would have flipped out, too. I’m flipping out just reading about it!

She’s damn cute. Watch out, Dreamy Doctors!

22 blissfully caffeinated December 10, 2008 at 5:36 pm

Oh my God. Wow. That is awful. Getting adjusted to having a toddler and an infant is unpleasant.

But listen, I’m sure everyone who comments is going to have a story in which they have done something similar. I, in fact, have more than one horrible parenting story, but I’ll just share this one with you. When Caroline was an infant, maybe 5 months old – old enough to be face forward in the snuggly at any rate – I had her strapped to me, face forward and I was walking on the predesignated walking path at a park. And I tripped, fell, and ate concrete, smashing the baby into the ground. She had a bloody nose and was screaming like no other. I called my husband, he came home from work and we took her to our pediatrician to see the only available doctor. She didn’t exactly laugh at us, but she did smile a lot as she assured us the Caroline was just fine and I hadn’t caused any lasting damage by landing on top of her before I had lost all of the baby weight.

She also said that she saw so many parents that had forgotten to strap their babies into the carrier and then dropped them that it would make your head spin.

Upside of your story? The hot doctor. It almost makes the whole thing worth it.

Also? I’m so jealous that you live near a Container Store.

OK, this comment is way too long. I’m going now.

23 NGS December 10, 2008 at 5:54 pm

I hate to say that I laughed at this, but I laughed at this. Out loud. Trying not to do so, because then I would have to explain to my husband that I was laughing at a story about a hurt baby and he would think I was strange. (Not that I was laughing at her being hurt, but that she was laughing about it.)

I just went to the Container Store for the first time about a month ago. It was a fabulous experience.

P.S. This is another reason I will never having children!!

24 Becky December 10, 2008 at 6:04 pm

After I realized that there was a happy ending to this story, I got worried–did you get to pay for all of your papers before you went to the potty? Or did you have to leave it all there? It’s making me anxious to think of you doing all the work of picking them and then not taking them home!

I am weird.

25 pamela from the dayton time December 10, 2008 at 6:15 pm

We were sitting at the dinner table one night, and Miss O and Wee Man were into some serious antics. HB was in his car carrier thingy, which was balanced not-so-carefully on the wooden high chair. Everyone was laughing so loud we did not notice, nor did we hear when he hit the floor. On his face. Some time later, I slid my chair back to get up from the table, and bumped something. And instead of looking to see what I bumped, I slid it back again (bump) and again (bump) and again (bump)…into poor HB’s head.

I suck, too.

26 Meli December 10, 2008 at 6:31 pm

OMG I just spit out my coffee all over my laptop!

I’m glad that she was OK. That must have been so scary but the upside is seeing Dr. McDreamy.

27 bex December 10, 2008 at 6:43 pm

the more self-deprecating you are, the more adorable you are. fact of life, my friend.

chubby little baby cheeks – i just want to pinch them!

six weeks is very young to sustain a head injury. although, as the mother of two very rowdy boys i can tell you with full certainty that kids were designed to live (and live well) through a number of head injuries!

28 carrie December 10, 2008 at 7:11 pm

those situations suck. but, they happen to all of us…….
cute smile.

29 goodfather December 10, 2008 at 7:21 pm

Dammit! I took the bio break, put my coffee WAAAAY out of reach, and even blew my nose, but I still managed to snort so hard I sucked up a hairball from under the desk.

Priceless.

30 Sprite's Keeper December 10, 2008 at 8:50 pm

Great story! I hope I never have one like it, but classic nonetheless.

31 paige December 10, 2008 at 9:01 pm

I dont know any mothers who have not chucked their babies headfirst into the floor at least once. At least you admit it!~

32 Dorsey December 10, 2008 at 11:04 pm

You’re AWESOME and I’ve SOO been there gal! Perhaps tomorrow I’ll recount the story of when my daughter looked like “Carrie” AFTER the pig’s blood incident at the prom.

33 DCD December 11, 2008 at 7:27 am

Ah, memories. Suffice it to say – I know your pain!! I’ve had a couple of THUD incidents with my kids (both of which have been my fault.)

This will probably sound awful – but I like hearing stories like this. They make me realize I’m not the only one who sometimes becomes THAT MOM!!

34 DeeMarie December 11, 2008 at 7:38 am

I’m sure she inherited that smooth style from her mom, no? What a crazy story!!!! Glad she’s ok and still punking you daily… because that’s what great kids do!

35 Connie @ Young and Relentless December 11, 2008 at 7:42 am

I am always amazed how resilient babies are.

So glad she was okay! I would have done the same thing….

36 Magic Mom December 11, 2008 at 8:13 am

Oh no, Mama! How awful! I think that we all have moments like this and we really shouldn’t beat ourselves up- too badly anyway. After my first fell off the bed, I promised myself that I would never let it happen again. However! This second baby fell off the bed TWICE before I invested in a bed rail. Go me. The blood on her nose would have flipped me out and she def deserves extra Punk’d Points for making the MOST out of the situation. I’m glad she was okay and still enjoys freaking mom out!

37 Cathy December 11, 2008 at 9:25 am

But do you know that even grandmothers have these fears of dropping/maiming/scarring these babies? It’s a maternal thing, I guess, and it never goes away. Thanks for owning up to your story — makes the rest of us feel more normal!

38 Krystal December 11, 2008 at 11:49 am

Doood – I have dropped and flipped my kids so many times I lost count! You’re not a bad mom, trust me – I’ve seen worse.

39 Jessica Bern December 11, 2008 at 11:49 am

OMG- What a story. One time, when my daughter was about 3 months old, I was leaving for NY. A couple of hours before we left for the airport, I watched as my little girl rolled off the bed and onto the wooden floor. That “thud” was the loudest sound I’d ever heard. I felt horrible b/c I was four feet away and just watched it happen b/c I couldn’t believe it was actually happening. I freaked out thinking, “Oh my God, what if she has a head injury and then I take her on the plane and then her head explodes”.. I was soooo upset. I ran to the doctor who told me she was fine but my God, what a scare.

YOU ARE A GREAT MOM! I don’t know how much that means to you coming from me based on the above story but take it for what it’s worth.

40 Lawyer Mom December 11, 2008 at 3:27 pm

Thuds. How I hate them. And now Mr. M is so big he makes deliberate thuds upstairs. Adrenaline surges suck.

41 MommyNamedApril December 11, 2008 at 6:03 pm

uhg. there’s nothing worse than the thud.
btw, she’s so fucking cute i could puke. seriously.

42 Jonny's Mommy December 12, 2008 at 2:49 pm

Haaaa! That matches up to my dropping Jonathan when he was a month old from a chair while were both asleep, but yours is way more awful! So glad she was OK! What a horrible feeling that must have been!

43 MaNiC MoMMy August 3, 2009 at 7:51 am

Holy shit but hahahahah, that was a great horrid story!! It reminded me of AJer’s first Christmas Eve when I arrived at my parent’s house and set the car seat on the bench in the foyer, only to have it topple over and onto the floor. New moms ROCK, don’t they! I’m glad I’m not one of “them” anymore!

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