The Shoebox Chronicles: When It’s Time To Change, You’ve Got To Rearrange

Long before I opened the Shoebox for ideas I went directly to one of the biggest smart asses out there, Captain Dumbass, and asked him to help me out. If there are even two of you reading me today that don’t know him, I’d drop dead of shock….and if it’s true…you need to discover him in all his glory at Us and Them. Now. I’ll wait.

Back? Ok, good! Don’t you feel like your life just got a little brighter today for knowing him? I promise you, the glow never fades. EVER, NEVER.

So Captain Dumbass gave me this idea:

“You are the first lady…what is the first thing you would do?”

Which…at first I was like DUDE! My guy totally didn’t win and you know that!!! (My guy didn’t even make it out of the primary…I’ve been sad for a very long time folks.) But then I thought, well what the heck, because while I will more than likely never be a First Lady, I might very well be a First Mom. It will give me good practice for when Mr. C takes the White House in 30 years or so. So let the planning begin.

I’m guessing most of the standard stuff is already in place. China patterns, decor, a well thought out shoe closet. So I’m going to start off with the one thing I might actually enjoy with this administration, The Inaugural Ball.

First of all, I’m doing away with all this formal mess. I like a good ball gown as much as the next girl but the shoes and dancing all night? No thanks. I tend to be much more of hang on the back porch and drink with your friends kinda gal so that’s how we are going to roll with this one.

First thing to consider is the music. I’m going to do the world a favor and introduce them to Cynical Dad and let him rock his Nameless Twitter Radio Show (Tuesday nights on Twitter starting at 10 pm East Coast….add him now and join in!) directly from the South Lawn. Requests always accepted as long as they are in theme. And if you are out of theme? He will publicly shut your ass down on Twitter. Trust me, I know of which I speak. So all you foreign dignitaries and stupid celebrities that plan on showing up? You had better have your shit together before you take on Chag because he could put DJ AM to shame. He’s THAT GOOD.

Even though I cyber stalk him, I don’t really know Cynical Dad that well. I figured this was a way to take the harassment far beyond the usual boundaries of twitter and relentless commenting on his site that I normally employ. The conversation went something like this.

TSM: Hey Chag? I know I am starting to scare you what with all the constant tweets, comments and emails but I really need your help with something.
Cynical Dad: Seriously, Stiletto, you are turning into a freak, go away.
TSM: No really…help me.
Cynical Dad: Do you promise to go away if I do?
TSM: Of course! (fingers, toes, legs and eyes crossed…I’m totally not going away but he can’t see that…don’t tell him.) I’ve been asked to host the Inaugural Ball and I need a DJ. Can you step in? The theme of the party is Change. Can you spin a few songs for me?
Cynical Dad: I’m going to need you to sign this document promising to go away but after that, I’ll help. Sigh…
TSM: Sure! (PS? I totally signed it The Tennis Shoe Mom….it’ll never hold up in a court of law.)
Chag: Well, if the theme is Change, I’m gonna get the party started with Changes by David Bowie. This song might’ve been about Bowie changing his personas or a sex-change operation, but it’s still much cooler than that lame Will.I.Am song.
TSM: Well, sure, that’s a great song and all but since I’ve changed the venue to a lawn event, there will be kids there. Not sure sex change operations are appropriate.
Chag: Ok, you have a point. How about Motley Crue Time For Change? You know that one, the song that killed Motley Crue’s career (who wanted to listen to them talk about change, issues, etc. instead of sex, drugs, and rock ‘n’ roll?) could’ve kicked ass as an Obama song.
TSM: Chag, focus. FAMILY EVENT.
Chag: God you are a huge pain in the ass aren’t you?
TSM: So I’m told.
Chag: Ok, last one. How about Time to Change by The Brady Bunch? I think if Obama had used this as high campaign song, he would’ve won ALL of the electoral votes. He definitely would’ve received 100% of the Gen X vote.
TSM: Yes!

Cynical Dad? YOU ROCK. Moving on to the next part. DANCING. Sure the Obama’s can bust a move, we all know that.

But I know for a fact the rest of these uptight politicos don’t know a thing about dancing so I’m bringing Steenky back….the Stink is going to show them a thing or two about how to get their groove on, and also how to rock a totally HAWT dance face. Like this:

Steenky? You are one hot mess of a dancing fool. Also? I’d like to suggest that when and if we ever meet we avoid dancing altogether. I’m not sure I can keep up with your fierceness.

Cocktails are in order, especially for me what with all this hard work and the need I will have to wash that pesky taste of a total ass kicking the results of the election out of my mouth. For that, I went to Ciroc the Vote and found this little gem of a recipe:

THE OBAMA-TINI
1½ oz. Cîroc Vodka
¾ oz. pineapple juice
1 oz. cranberry juice
Splash of triple sec
Preparation: Shake ingredients over ice and strain into a glass.

So there you have it. One party for a Democrat planned by a charming Republican Southern Belle. Can you make it? If I’m in charge you are all invited. If this really is the Administration of Change…then surely they won’t mind all of us crashing their party right? Please RSVP below and let me know so I can buy enough booze.

This hot mess multi-media edition of The Shoebox Chronicles brought to you by Captain Dumbass, Cynical Dad and Steenky Bee. Three venerable bloggers who I plan to stalk until my fingers fall off…you should too! And don’t forget about Cynical Dad’s Nameless Twitter Radio Show tonight at 10 EST. Go add him on twitter and send in your requests, tonight’s theme is Guns N Roses…be there or be square!


26 Comments


  1. DeeMarie said:

    I’m so there!! You had me at “Time to Change”. Actually you had me at “Long before” but that makes me sound like a serious stalker. The Obama-Tini sounds delish! And since it’s a party, I will try and forget that my guy didn’t make it past the primaries either.

  2. DeeMarie said:

    I WAS FIRST!!! :)

    And now I’m second!

  3. jenboglass(steenky bee) said:

    Oh. My. Gawd. I would so rock that ball. Let Obama plan our economic future, while you plan all the rest. You should know that all that dancing makes me so tired. Could I stay in the Lincoln Bedroom? I think I’d like that. The last time I stayed there Cheney tried to get all frisky with me.

    This made me laugh! I’m commenting from the tub and my laughter is echoing loudly in the bathroom. Yeah, I stalk you in the tub, that’s right.

  4. Michele said:

    That drink is screaming my name. It will have to be this Friday night’s Martini & Movie drink of choice.

    Steenky looks like she’s got some flaying elbows. You may want to watch those.

  5. Cameron said:

    Bring lots of booze, I’m thirsty.

    Steenky will be the life of the dance floor, oh yeah!

  6. Casey said:

    I had something totally different to write and then I read Steenky Stalker’s comment about stalking from the tub. Wha what? That chick is hard core.
    Can I come to the ball? I’d probably show up in sweats but you’d still let me in, no? I think you’d make a great first lady…. or first mom in 30 years.

  7. Mama Dawg said:

    I heart the Steenky Bee and The Captain.

  8. Cyndi said:

    Does Mr. C have his bumper stickers yet? I’m all in, in a Conservative Southern Bellbottoms sort of way ;-)

    I’d like to request a romantic version from Van Morrison: http://www.songlyrics.com/van-morrison/don-t-change-on-me/97074/ and think they may actually be able to use this GooGooDolls song: http://www.songlyrics.com/goo-goo-dolls/don-t-change/74052/

    And, Steenky, get water and electronics don’t mix, missy! Great post, TSM, and thanx for the cynic radio info :-)

  9. Jim said:

    I’m all in. As long as I can make it past secret service. You’ll help out with that, right?

  10. foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog) said:

    I would totally not stand around in a corner and be super shy at this party, which is how I typically go about a party!

    Chag is all kinds of awesome. He doesn’t realize this, but he and I were imaginary boyfriend and girlfriend in a different life. :)

  11. HeatherPride said:

    Wow, Steenky Bee gets all nekkid and reads your blog!! I don’t what to say about that, but I think it’s maybe flattering? With a sprinkle of twisted? And….a hint of demented?

    I am so coming to your ball. And I would like to vote for the song Winds of Change, by Scorpions. Did I do it right? Can I stay in? Pass me an Obama-tini!

  12. Ellie said:

    I am *so* in. Dancing shoes on, bells on toes, Obama-tini in hand.

  13. Krystal said:

    Oh I am so there! Now just what to do about the little ones? I don’t know if secrest service can handle them. Are you having a day care service? You know I can’t go anywhere without them - they just scare people!

  14. goodfather said:

    Can I get a virgin Obama-tini? Does that sound wrong?

    Here’s hoping I’m on the guest list…

  15. Sprite's Keeper said:

    Is this an adults only affair or are kids allowed? :-)

  16. Jenni Jiggety said:

    I am SO coming to your ball….especially if they are playing the Brady song because I love when Peter’s voice cracks and it is SURE to be even funnier after a couple Obama-tinis….

  17. PAPA said:

    You know that Carl’s Jr commercial with Paris Hilton dancing in soap suds over a hot car with a hose?

    Yeah, I could do that.

  18. Captain Dumbass said:

    Can I get a ride in Marine One? Please please please please please!!!

  19. Becky said:

    Best. post. evuh.

    Seriously, the Obamatini! I am going to try that. And I love that Tennis Shoe Mom is your alter-ego.

    Thanks for the Steenky Bee shots. She needs to call me so we can go out and get down.

  20. bex said:

    you win the bipartisan patrandiot of the year award! i am so proud to be your stalker! count me and my brood in for your party. we’ll swing by your big city on our way up north and car pool!

  21. pamela from the dayton time said:

    Wow. I feel like I need to get me some Twitter or I’ll be left looking through that tall, black fence. You did say the party was on the front lawn of the White House, right?

  22. Petra said:

    Babe, I’m there. You had me with the martini!

  23. DC Urban Dad said:

    Can I hold the football? Just for a second…Please….I won’t drop it.

  24. Jennifer said:

    Ciroc vodka is my favorite!

    You have to be one of the most creative people I know and I wanna come to this party!

  25. Sasha said:

    Sweet post but I think I will stick with my Saucy-tini (melon liquor, pear vodka, pineapple juice) because it is non-partisan and Canadian… sorta.

  26. MommyNamedApril said:

    those steenky pics are awesome! my first thing as first lady??? checking out the KITCHEN. mmmmmmm.


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