The Shoebox Chronicles: Grossness

Well, hello friends! First of all, thank you guys for all for stepping up to the plate yesterday to help me with this nasty case of Writer’s Block I seem to have going on. I asked and you guys delivered a good two months worth of stuff if I get stuck again. Plus, I got some very nice emails and posts that encouraged me which just touched my hard, cold, haute couture heart to no end. You guys are the best! So many great topics that I’m putting them into something I’m calling the Shoebox Chronicles. I’ll pick one topic from the Shoebox as I freeze up, write my heart out and give you tons of linky love at the end for being such a dear friend and understanding what it feels like to prefer the thought of sticking your head in the oven over trying to come up with something original to say.

And now, the first installation of the Shoebox Chronicles….Grossness…

There are so many things that gross me out. To cite a few, standard nose picking….add extra points for eating after. Dirty fingernails…please don’t touch me with them. Childbirth videos…please don’t show me the video of your hoo hoo at a party (a dinner party no less right after we finished eating…oh yes, that actually has happened) and I’ll spare you from the lengthy explanation of how the thought of something coming out of…well, down there, caused me to threaten my husband within an inch of his life if he got near me with a camera at that point. If you have such a video, I’m happy for you because you are far less squeemish than I am and you actually had the right attitude in the delivery room, whereas I? Did not. Bring on the drugs and get this thing out of me was my general opinion. Yep, I’m shallow but you knew that. Feet, in general, need to be added to the list as do crickets, crawfish and lizards.

I thought I had my list of things that would make me throw up down to a science.

Until the other night.

The Man and I were sitting outside, we do that a lot at this time of year. It’s cool and crisp and we have a covered patio where we have mounted an old TV that streams whatever is on in the family room. It’s fantastic and my favorite place to kick back at the end of the night while the weather is pleasant.

This is where I relax, no kids, great wine and read all of your blogs and write on my own. So here I was, really enjoying myself when all of a sudden the man hawked the largest phlegm ball ever seen by humanity.

We interrupt our regularly schedule programming here to insert the following caveat: The Man does not normally do such disgusting things. The Man is actually quite charming, well mannered and able to function in social settings with little to no supervision. The Man was not raised in a barn nor does he scratch himself in public. The Man normally does not emit phlegm on such a hideous basis, he was suffering from the grossness he eventually infected me with. The Man is an educated, well spoken former member of the United States Air Force and is pretty damn good lookin’ to boot.

The phlegm ball hit the ground and before you could say, “WTF???” our 38 pound (not a typo) pug ran as fast as his fat little legs would carry him and GOBBLED IT UP. Vomit. Then? He licked his lips and stood there wagging his tail. The dog, that is.

As I started wretching uncontrollably, The Man was laughing hysterically at me. AND THEN HE DID IT AGAIN.

…and the dog? Gobbled it up again…and then? TRIED TO GIVE ME A KISS.

Apparently this is a disgusting little trick my non barn bred, well educated, former member of the military has played before with our dog. The fact that it makes me dry heave into our landscaping only makes it more fun. Pfft.

After I finished throwing up in the begonias, I asked him very kindly to never do that shit to me again. But now, he is sitting here looking like he might have a trick or two up his sleeve, and after 15 years of marriage…I’m scared…and TOTALLY GROSSED OUT.

Somebody hold me…and bring a bucket.

This hot mess of The Shoebox Chronicles brought to you by Mama Dawg over at Two Dogs Running who asked the following question: “Write about something that completely grosses you out. I mean to the point that you’re thisclose to hurling as you type it.” If you haven’t been to her site, go check it out, tons of humor, hard to answer questions and great posts in general. She’s awesome and I adore her for adding to my ability to totally punish all of you for reading me.

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