Yeah, so I’m doing this whole NaBloPoMo thingy where you have to post every…single…day.
A few things.
First? I am so sick I could die. My nose has turned into a faucet of grossness. Last night? While I was awake at 2:30 am blowing my nose? I got up to get MORE TISSUE. And? I stepped in the single largest heep of cat puke ever seen by man.
Also? (and I’m totally doing the annoying up-talking thing here to bother you) My job is eating my brain. Like this…
I cover nine states and work in four different time zones. The only grace in this entire mess is that possibly, maybe, at some point I may get to go to Salt Lake City where I will worship at the altar of The Steenky Bee. Or…I’ll just hang out in front of her house until she calls the police…either way, I’m cool with it.
In light of all my whining, I’m doing the unthinkable. I’m cheating, a little bit, on NaBloPoMo and bringing an old post back to life. Sue me. When I wrote this, Anna was my only follower so perhaps many of you have not seen it. If you have, just turn away and come back tomorrow…and please don’t curse me in the process or I will cyber sneeze on you and give you the shiz that is killing me right now.
So there.
FLYING CIRCUS RATS
Originally posted August 28th, 2007
I’ve mentioned before that I live in a neighborhood filled with lovely people…and some that are totally insane. Here, I present exhibit number one of bat shit crazy.
So I’m working one day a at home a while back and the doorbell rings. I am hesitant to answer because I look beyond hideous as I had no appointments. But…I make the mistake of answering and boy, am I sorry. Before me stands one perfectly clad, high heals and jeans wearin’, tweed jacket sporting, war paint adorned….really angry housewife. Nothing against housewives, mind you, I was a proud member of that crowd for several years but please don’t show up on my doorstep at NINE AM looking like that with an attitude is all I’m sayin’.
She politely, yet in a firm “I’ve had enough of you” tone notifies me that I am infesting her house with rats. RATS. I ask in a very polite, “Have you forgotten your meds, hon” tone….”HUH??”. Apparently she thinks this is some type of a conspiracy here and she sighs to show her utter dismay with me. “You. Have Rats. And. They are grabbing onto the Crepe Myrtle in your back yard. And Flinging. Themselves. Into my yard.” Another sigh. Obviously I am missing something here. My house is ridiculously clean. So, I think….let’s do a little interrogation here as this chick is clearly on some shit I’d like to try.
“I’m sorry, what you are telling me is I have rats?” (Authors note: It does not help the situation that I am wearing a Mickey Mouse sweatshirt that my BFF Lisa bought me when we were 16 years old….it’s clean and it’s still in one piece and it’s comfy, shut up.) She peers at my shirt as if it is some indication of solidarity with the rat pack and says, “Yes, rats. You have rats. In YOUR HOUSE.” Ok. I’m up for some game today. So I ask, “So these rats, are coming out of my attic and flinging themselves somehow into your yard”. She has clearly had enough of my ignorance at this point, “Yes. (sigh) This is what I am saying.” I’m still not done….”So…one rat holds the branch down while the other climbs up and they fling themselves sorta ‘bombs away!’ style into your back yard? Because if this is the case, that makes them Flying Circus Rats and I’m thinkin’ we may be on to something here!!!”.
She didn’t like that much. I know this because she told me in very clipped, you are White Trash tones, that perhaps my husband might like to examine the imaginary rat droppings on the fence if we cared at all. Smart girl, did not leave me room for a response there. She teetered off in her five inch heels, and was never heard from again. Years later, I still miss her. It’s not often you are greeted with so much hostility combined with a good dose of stupidity all at once so early in the day. And in full war paint? Bonus.
PS…They are called squirrels, hon, and they don’t fly…they JUMP. Jeebus.
{ 25 comments }
Yeah, I’m thinking I’d have asked for some video of this awesome stunt. And I’d be sending that shit to Funniest Home Videos as soon as I got my hot little hands on it! Hehehe!!!
Oh, and feel better soon woman…I recommend:
Hot Toddy
Ingredients:
* 1 TBSP Honey
* 3/4 glass Tea
* 2 shots Brandy
* 1 slice Lemon
Mixing instructions:
Brew tea and fill tall glass 3/4 full. Mix in honey. Mix in Brandy shots. Add lemon slice and enjoy.
that is classic!!!
I sure hope you feel better. I have heard a nettepot works good. Dr. Oz spoke of it but I have no clue what it is, how to spell it or how to use it.
Jsut take some good cold med drugs!
Those….are some badass rat-squirrels. Awesome. Hey I can relate on the whole sick thing. I just got over mine. At one point, I had what looked like pureed squash coming out my nose. I don’t know how the hell I got orange snot, but I did. Feel better!!!
I think you just killed me. Dead. I’m done.
Best story of the day, no question.
Your squirrel-rats are awesome. I’m glad they don’t live in my house, though. They probably play their music too loud, get into your liquor, and sport piercings in places no respectable squirrel-rat should. Their acrobatics are no doubt amazing, however, and I’m sure that watching their stunts makes up for much. Cool!
Feel better soon.
That was freaking hilarious. I was clueless on what she was seeing…how did you figure out she was talking about the squirrels?
You make colds so sexy
And I remember that post btw. Sneak.
I loved this story!! Thanks for sharing, and I so wish you could tape your acrobatic vermin! And I hope you feel better. I woke up with a sore throat and now my nose has apparently joined a marathon (get it, running???- not funny? Sorry) I might try Dorsey’s concoction, minus the Honey, Tea, and Lemon. I’m thinking after 2 shots, I’ll be feeling fine!
Ha ha! Great post. I haven’t been stalking you long enough to have read it the first time
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Sorry you’re sick! That sucks. And stepping in cat puke? Almost worse.
BAHAHAHAHAHAH! great story!!! So sorry you’re feeling crummy :-/
@dorsey: that drink sounds like a good reason to get sick…just so you could drink it in the middle of the day and no one could say anything to you!
@carrie: i have the nettepot…and i think i love you bc you just gave me an idea for a post.
@cameron: funny, mine is starting to look like the stuff you use to fill pumkin pies….you know, pumkin, only ickier.
@heatherpride: don’t die, i love you too much and I’d miss you!
@mammatrish: those squirrels you speak of…the loud partying kind? sound like me in college…hmmm
@amy: simple, we have squirrels in our back yard and she is crazy. put two and two together and viola! blog post.
@jim/heinous: don’t you remember? that’s the post I sent you to lure you into my web of blogginess after you posted that story about your neighbors…
@deemarie: i’ve got the shot glasses if you have the brandy….I’m on my way…i’ll also bring kleenex
@goodfather: I could have lived all year with out the cat puke…blech.
@mommy named april: thanks!!! …and now i’m going to pass out cold again….
What good neighborly fun! Glad you brought the story back.
I am doing the daily post routine, too, but since I have 6 different pages (or channels..whatever) it’s hard for people to know which pages have the new posts. Any suggestions?
I remember that story. Classic!
Hope you feel better soon.
Damn cats.
Damn squirrels.
Damn neighbors.
Yeah! Hot Toddy recipe! :->
Imaginary rat poop. Yummy.
Cat puke, mm mm good. I stepped on a slug once in bare feet. I’d do the slug again over cat puke.
1st – I have not stepped in cat puke, but can relate in a dog puke kind of way.
2nd – I am so sorry you are feeling so crappy!!
3rd – My husband uses that nettepot thing and swears by it. I, personally, think it is beyond grotesque.
4th – Rats = squirrels is freakin’ HILARIOUS!!
So sorry to hear you’re sick. But really, your squirrells are bitchin’. I wish mine had mohawks like that. The cats could see them better and therefore kill them quicker.
I remember. I’m glad you lured me in
Now go get better.
Oh honey, I’m so sorry you’re in a sick way. I hate the colds and the flu. I would so drive to Texas just to wipe your nose. I’ve even got those good tissues with lotion in them. Cat puke? You too, huh? It’s been a while since I’ve stepped in it, but I’ve stepped in it when it’s cold and I’ve stepped in it when it’s warm. The cold is much more tolerable.
I’ve read your flyin’ squirrel story before and I absolutely loved it. I may not have known you back in the day when you wrote it, but the week I found you, I went back and read all your posts. Then, a month later I went back and commented on some of them. Who’s the bigger stalker now? Hugs. (But the kind of hugs where my butt sticks out and we don’t really touch a lot…just until you get feeling better) Love you. Mean it.
Sorry you’re not feeling good. My mother-in-law swore by a little whiskey in your tea while my drunkard grandmother swore by whiskey. Skip the damn tea.
Don’t feel bad about recycling a post. This just makes you green which is so hip these days.
Sorry you don’t feel well. Thank you for stopping by my blog!
Loved this last post!
Hope you feel better
Awesome post. I think we live in the same neighborhood.
This domain appears to get a great deal of visitors. How do you get traffic to it? It offers a nice unique spin on things. I guess having something authentic or substantial to say is the most important thing.
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