Have you ever stood behind the back of a jet, like a really huge commercial one, as they fire up? No? Yeah see there is a reason those guys wear those noise blocking headphones.
How do I know this you ask? I know this because last night I experienced the very same sound at the premier of High School Musical 3. I am here to tell you that if you pack an entire movie theatre full of girls aged 6-16 and then show a picture of, mention or think of Zac Effron…the collective SQUEEEEEEEEE that follows will make your ears bleed.
It started when a guy who looked sorta like Drew Carey stood in front of them and announced it would be five minutes until the movie started.
SQUEEEEEEE! It was the best two minutes of his life to date.
But then the movie started and the girls really revved it up. I lost 90% of my hearing in my left ear when this happened:
Thankfully, Miss G and her little girlfriend lost interest about 3/4 of the way through and wanted to come home to play dress up. The Man was left behind with Mr. C and his buddy who wanted to see the end and he tells me the degree of squee didn’t get any better as the movie went on.
Today, we are both experiencing various degrees of hearing loss and the kids must think we are fighting because we have to yell at eachother to hear anything. Sorta like this..
Him: Where is my coffee?
Me: WHAT??
Him: WHERE is my COFFEE?
Me: Come again?
Him: WHERE IS MY COFFEE????
Me: Oh…it’s over there.
Him: WHAT?
Me: It’s…OVER THERE!
Him: WHAT???
Me: We are so never going to a tween movie again….
Just when I thought I doomed to not have another post this week due to a ridiculous work load and well, let’s face it, a really bad attitude, my theory that it’s always good to have Super Hero as a friend proved itself right because Ron of Clark Kent’s Lunchbox swooped in and saved the day by sharing this little gem with me.
I rarely say nice things about people when I’m “like this” but I will say that he is one of my favorite bloggers. I don’t know if you’ve heard but he is being unfairly singled out by the Canadian Pharmaceutical Industry. If he has a flaw, it’s trying to keep his shit together at bedtime but it’s easy to overlook because he loves his wife Lois Lane so much which makes him seem so much more human like the rest of us. If you haven’t ever had the chance to look into the mind of a Super Hero…go check him out…plus, he is just a really nice guy.
…and now, courtesy of Clark Kent, enjoy this SNL parody on PMS.
…now if you’ll excuse me I’m going to go run through my office with a pink ax and then stuff my face into a birthday cake because that all looked REALLY GOOD to me right about now!
I’m noticing a pattern to my posting this week. Seems I’m on a bit of a bitch tangent and that can only be blamed on one thing. (That one thing not being my general personality…but thanks for the thought)
The great news is, today I found something today that would maybe make all this ugliness go away. Introducing, the authentic PMS Swear Bear created by Toy Vault.
Apparently, this adorable plush comes pre-loaded with all sorts of foul sayings which may or may not have been heard around The Stiletto House this week. I’ve captioned a few suggestions for the creators below, you know, in case they didn’t poll a room full of hormonal women to get enough insults.
A few other lines that they should consider are, “Who the hell shrunk my pants?” “Did you eat all the chocolate??” and my personal favorite, “Oh, you’d really like to blame this on PMS, wouldn’t ya…HUH?!”
At least I know what to ask Santa for this year….and he’d better bring it to me damnit.
I took this quiz over at Hello Quizzy, mainly because I recently discovered Chicky Chicky Baby (sure she’s been blogging since 2005…I’m slow…sue me) and began stalking her. She had taken one of those fun movie star likeness quizzes. So of course, I did what any good stalker would do and took it too, hoping that this test would show that we could be “movie star friends”. However, as I suspected, Chicky is the nicer person of the two of us. Her results proclaimed her an Ingrid…”Ingrids have sensitive feelings and are warm and perceptive.”
Me, on the other hand, not so much.
You Are a Bette!
You are a Bette — “I must be strong”
Bettes are direct, self-reliant, self-confident, and protective. (Read: Bitchy)
How to Get Along with Me
* Stand up for yourself… and me.
* Be confident, strong, and direct.
* Don’t gossip about me or betray my trust.
* Be vulnerable and share your feelings. See and acknowledge my tender, vulnerable side.
* Give me space to be alone.
* Acknowledge the contributions I make, but don’t flatter me.
* I often speak in an assertive way. Don’t automatically assume it’s a personal attack.
* When I scream, curse, and stomp around, try to remember that’s just the way I am. (Ok, that’s kinda creepy…do they have cameras in my house??)
What I Like About Being a Bette
* being independent and self-reliant
* being able to take charge and meet challenges head on
* being courageous, straightforward, and honest
* getting all the enjoyment I can out of life
* supporting, empowering, and protecting those close to me
* upholding just causes (And by enjoyment, they mean finding designer shoes on sale.)
What’s Hard About Being a Bette
* overwhelming people with my bluntness; scaring them away when I don’t intend to
* being restless and impatient with others’ incompetence
* sticking my neck out for people and receiving no appreciation for it
* never forgetting injuries or injustices
* putting too much pressure on myself
* getting high blood pressure when people don’t obey the rules or when things don’t go right (Read: Super Bitchy)
Bettes as Children Often
* are independent; have an inner strength and a fighting spirit
* are sometimes loners
* seize control so they won’t be controlled
* figure out others’ weaknesses
* attack verbally or physically when provoked
* take charge in the family because they perceive themselves as the strongest, or grow up in difficult or abusive surroundings (It is entirely possible they saw my post detailing the antics of 6 year old me.)
Bettes as Parents
* are often loyal, caring, involved, and devoted
* are sometimes overprotective
* can be demanding, controlling, and rigid (Ahhhh…..demanding, controlling and rigid…words I’ve always longed to hear as a parent. This part makes me feel much more like Joan Crawford than Bette Davis)
It’s super quick, only two questions, and it’s entirely possible you will find out you are much nicer than me. You can also find out in two easy steps if you are a Pirate or test your Awesomesauce. I mean, awesomeness.
Ok, I wan’t y’all to understand me and the ways of fabled Southern Charm so I am going to share the Best. Southern. Belle. Joke. Ever.
Read along but when you do so, try to do it with a true Southern Drawl….drag your vowels out to the point of making yourself sick and you will have the right tone. And btw? It’s okay for me to say all of this because I am a true blue Southern Belle, so there.
So here goes y’all:
Three Southern Belles are sitting on the veranda of a very spacious plantation sipping mint juleps.
The second Southern Belle asks the first Southern Belle, “What did your husband get you upon the birth of your first child?”
The first Southern Belle says “Oh my…upon the birth of my first child my husband bought me that lovely swimmin’ pool you see over there down the lawn.”
The second Southern Belle nods in appreciation and the third Southern Belle said, “Well…how nice.”
Then the first Southern Belle asks the second Southern Belle, “Well, dahlin, what did your husband get your upon the birth of your first child?”
The second Southern Belle smiles radiantly and says, “Upon the birth of my first child, my husband bought me this beautiful diamond ring you see upon my hand.” and holds it out for all to admire.
The first Southern Belle exclaims, “Well, my! How very lovely!” and the third Southern Belle says, “Well…how nice.”
Then the first Southern Belle and the second Southern Belle turn to the third Southern Belle and ask in unison, “Well hon, what did your husband buy you upon the birth of your first child?”
The third Southern Belle turns her head down demurely and then looks up with the slightest smile and says, “Upon the birth of my first child, my husband sent me to charm school. Now instead of saying fuck you? I just say ‘WELL…HOW NICE.’”
And that my friends, is my kind of Southern Belle.
