Flashback to the past. And I might add, the past that I am so glad is in fact, the past. Potty training is no fun. Zero. They don’t warn you about the hell you may go through with this subject when they hand you your little bundle of joy at the hospital and I suspect this is on purpose as they would have a mass exodus of parents running en masse out the door screaming, “Thanks, but No Thanks!!!”
We moved into our new house a week before Miss G was born. Mr. C had been the best of sports about us uprooting his entire life. The perfect nursery gone, pre-school changes, nightmare pregnant newly non-working Mommy with hormonal “issues” to deal with…he took it all in stride. So I thought, given this much to deal with it was best to delay potty training a bit. Months later, settled into our new home, I initiated what can only now be called “The Hell Months”. Me, a tired new Mommy. Him, uprooted from everything he knew plus a screaming Princess to deal with that took every moment of everyone’s time and attention. Sucked to be him at that point I assure you. Still, Mr C is a dutiful little man, all intensity and he tried SO HARD to do it right. And he did. Except for the poo.
Where does it go? What happens when it gets there? All these QUESTIONS. I attributed it all to his superior intellectual ability…and I still do…because the kid to this day needs to understand everything and sometimes it’s like being on the game show, “So You Think You Know More Than A Fourth Grader”, or fifth grader…whatever, I suspect he already does know more than me and may have when he was a toddler.
Anypoo, we reached the breaking point one day because he was having none of this nasty business. He could hold it long enough to cause a bowel obstruction….once the pediatrician suggested this to me, I freaked and went on the fast track to totally jacking up your kid one story at a time.
So there we were, in the bathroom, talking about how important it is to put the poo where it belongs instead of holding it inside and causing extreme intestinal distress. He didn’t get this quite yet, it took another year of pre-school for him to fully understand human anatomy. I’m not kidding, he is just that smart, really. So there we were and I decided to make a little fairy tale about poo’s up…because I’m just that good.
Me: “Mr C, you have to put the poo poo in the potty.”
Mr C: “Why?”
Me: “Because that is where they belong.” (wrong answer in case you were wondering)
Mr. C: “What happens when the poo poo goes in the toidy?”
Me: (insert flash of parental brialliance here) “Well Mr. C, it goes to Poo Poo Land!!!”
Mr. C: “Mommy, what is Poo Poo land?”
Me: “Poo Poo Land is where all the poo’s go because they fit in. Everyone is stinky there and they all make friends. They have ferris wheels and fireworks and there is music playing and all the poo’s are so happy to be with their own kind who don’t think they are stinky and gross! It’s super fun!!!”
Mr. C: “What happens when they first get there, Mommy?”
Me: “Well, Mr. C, the other poo’s come up and shake hands and make friends!”
(Insert look of horror here as the reality of this all comes crushing home…”)
Mr. C: “DADDY!!!!!!! The poo poo’s have hands!!! The poo poo’s have hands!!!” (Runs screaming from previously serene bathroom scene where I was so certain I would be the next best selling author on potty training….)
The Man: (Directed at me lest you think he is a beer swilling, wife beater wearing, insulting his children kind of guy…which he is not, btw) “What. THE HELL. Is wrong with you????”
Shut up, come up with a better story Man. I dare you. Wait, not time to dare, must drag screaming Mr. C back into the bathroom where in his mind, poo’s will certainly grab his little tushie thanks to my creative ability. To him, it probably looked something like Mr. Hanky from Southpark, memba him?
A few weeks later, he was fine and we never spoke of poo poo land again. Hey, I tried to be creative and it backfired.
So for all of you out there going through this, and I have read a few posts lately…trust me…this too shall pass, so to speak, but it may damn near kill you in the process.
{ 22 comments… read them below or add one }
I am seriously laughing so hard I can’t breath! Now I am gonna have to tell my husband that the poo poo has hands, just to see his reaction.
Wow! I cannot wait. I do think the idea of there being a poo-poo land is a good idea, maybe I’ll just not anthromorphize the poop as much with Mini . . .
Poo Poo land? Poo Poo land? All I can imagine is Dollywood with everything painted in shades of mocha.
A year back I was babysitting my niece during this period of her life, and I smelled something suspicious. I asked is she went in her pants. “No.” pause “Okay, yes I did.” So I told her I needed to clean things up. It’s at this point I realize the only diapers I’ve changed had been my sons, and well, my niece isn’t a boy. I started to feel really creeped out. It didn’t help to look over and see her laying on her back, the diaper unfastened and her legs in the air. “Okay, Ready Uncle Pookie!” I needed a drink after that one.
@kat: um, don’t. your husband will only tell you to stay far, far away from me and I can’t have that.
@anna: anthromorphize? shit, i have to go to the dictionary again. however, I am learning much from being friends with you. i’m totally throwing that out in a sentence tomorrow just to see if i can do it…yeah, i’ll screw it up.
@clark kent: dying. uncle pookie. I love your niece and i can imagine you may have needed two drinks after that! lol!!!
Yeah, I was wondering when Mr. Hankey would make an appearance. Howdy-ho! Sorry about all the poo problems. Our chld that is potty trained loved to poo. I know it sounds weird and gorss, but he was a champ. He still is. If he has a particularly…ahem…large movement, I swear I’m not making this up, he asks me not to flush it so Daddy can see it later. Many a day, hubby has come home after a long day at the old office to find a floating treat in the potty.
Also, the little guy continually keeps us updated on the size of his “gifts”. It’s not unusual to hear him calling from his bathroom shouting “I made a bigger one!”
I never thought I’d EVER be interested in poo. But here I am. Tuesday night, talking poo, with you. I wouldn’t want it any other way.
Poo Poo Land! That is so stinking funny! We told our son about the boy who cried wolf when he was three years old. So then he thought whenever he cried the wolves would come to eat him which caused a sort of obstruction of tear ducts (we eventually we worked through it, although I can’t remember how).
It’s amazing that, when you have kids, the vast majority of conversations revolve around poop.
okay, yeah, that would scare the heck out of most kids, my kids on the other hand – Little Man would actually try and see the little hands!! Princess would have run screaming for the hills too now that I think of it.
Wow, YES, the horror of potty training. I hear girls are easier? I’m hoping, anyway?? We used to sit with Logan in the bathroom, and we would sit…..and sit….and sit…..and I knew he had to go but he would.not.do.it. Until we finally gave up and put a pull-up on him. Yeesh.
LOL…this is so funny. When great stories go wrong. Now I can’t get the picture of Mr. Hankey holding onto the side of the toilet bowl with his hands making a ‘squee’ sound as he tries to avoid being flushed.
This brings out the horror writer in me too, but I won’t go into detail.
We’re going through this right now as my toddler is finally starting to announce her accomplishments and then presenting her rear to us so we can confirm that yes, that is a rather large accomplishment. Now if we can move that large accomplishment to the large potty seat in the bathroom, we might have something here.
The Poos have hands. Beautiful! (What is in the wine in Frisco that made you come up with that?) If I (or we) only had kids I could add something witty to this blog. However, even though I am self-proclaimed as the greatest Uncle ever, I still never had to deal with Poo Poo Land. I changed diapers but never had to have “the discussion” about the Poo going places other than down the toilet and certainly no discussion about all the Poo’s down in Pooville singing songs and holding hands! Maybe not every issue with kids need to be dealt with in a creative fashion. After all, kids are much smarter than we give them credit and by just given them the straight dope maybe the Sh** wouldn’t hit the fan. The again, what do I know?
you’re tagged again! hahahahah!
“Anypoo” is now an official word to be used everywhere and we all know where we heard it first! I’ll call Wikipedia.
Gah! I must now dow something to erase the idea of Poo Poo Land from my mind, but seriously, I think my kid is trying to get a first-class ticket to Dumperland lately, so I think I’m screwed to be in line there forever!
LOL…that’s too funny. Dontcha love when we become parents we have interesting stories about poop?
Ye gods that is just hilarious. Where in god’s name did you conjour up such a thing?
I dread to think what you had to do to get him to wee on the toilet.
Our doc just use to tell us don’t worry I promise he will use the toilet before he graduates. I was seriously wondering thou. He is 14 now and will only use the toilet at home for his business. So Yeah he’s a good holder too.
HI-larious!!
Ugh. We had poo trouble when we trained the oldest. Namely, he did not want to do that on the toilet. He was a champion pee-er. We tried everything – put him in underwear, which we then had to throw out because he would poop in it. Double Ugh. Me trying to hold him on the toilet…it was a brutal time.
Please, let the girl be easier!!
I have to say to HeatherPride: Ha! Ha ha ha ha! “Girls are easier..” Ha ha ha haha!
No. They are not. Just thought you should be prepared. That’s the kind of friend I am.
Anyhoo, Poo Poo Land scared the crap out of me.
But I know how it is. You’ll tell them anything to get that doody in the toilet. I applaud your effort. I wish I had been that creative. Instead I told Caroline, “Poop in this toilet or I’LL KILL YOU.”
Not really. But that’s how I felt some days. Potty training is the pits.
Thanks man, I’ll check it out
SNORT