Putting The Fun Back In Funerals

Yesterday I was out all day at a funeral. It was for an 83 year old uncle who I adored. Sad, yes but he had a great life, built a construction empire and died without pain. I’ll miss him. I won’t however, miss his daughter.

As I mentioned, he built a construction empire. From this you should feel free to infer that he was loaded because he was. And he and my aunt adopted a girl when she was a baby and gave her a life filled with lots of toys and goodies. Maybe too many toys and goodies, because she is now 37 years old and I just have no idea how someone that age could behave the way she did these past two days.

In case you were wondering how to act in the most reprehensible manner possible at your parents funeral, I’ve composed a list for you. Bookmark it and pull it out when and if the time comes and you want to cause shock and awe among your family members along with a general agreement that you are obviously “on something”. I have categorized these so you can mix and match as your needs dictate.

Play Hard To Get: First, being the only child, you should definitely not fly into town when your mother calls to tell you your father died…wait at least three days to put forth the effort.

Practice Being Fashionably Late: Next, to make sure everyone knows you don’t give a shit…try showing up 45 minutes late to the viewing and leave your 80 something year old mother there alone to greet well wishers and extended family members. Also, be sure to not feed your two boys before you get there so that they can loudly beg for food and raise hell. Also, and this is a trick you should only try at the expert level, invite your BIRTH MOTHER and HER SISTER to your father’s funeral. It is also key to point out here that you must point out to everyone that the woman grieving over there may have raised you, but this woman gave birth to you and her sister is now officially your aunt. (Note: I’m all for getting in touch with birth mothers, don’t get me wrong, however, your fathers viewing just ain’t the time to roll them out to a bigger crowd who have never met them, and didn’t even know they existed, in front of your “mother” who has no relationship with them either.)

Make An Entrance: If you really want to make a big splash try this. The funeral starts at 12:30. You should definitely let your poor mother take one last look at the man she loves on the arm of someone who works at the funeral home rather than your own. Here is the key people, if you are going to be late to your own father’s funeral MAKE AN ENTRANCE so everyone knows it. You should loudly pull the doors open and march down the center aisle a full :30 minutes late and only two minutes before you are to eulogize the man who raised you. Also? It’s a nice touch if you drag your freaky boyfriend behind you if you have one. If not, rent a follower to give you the entourage effect.

Know Your Audience: Eulogy Schmoology. We all know you have better things to do than to put thought into what you might say about someone who cared for you all of your life. You should appear stoned and incoherent and say things like “he finally said the one thing I wanted to hear in our final conversation and I look forward to the next chapter of our relationship”. (Hi…he’s the dead one? In the coffin? Yes…right over there….you probably won’t be having too many conversations so this next chapter in your relationship may prove to be difficult. Just sayin’) Then, since most of your audience has gray hair, you should throw them a curve ball and recite all the lyrics to a song…BY THE GRATEFUL DEAD….because they rock like that, yo.

Emulate A Celebrity When Possible: To give off the star effect, pick the celebrity of your choice to emulate. Yesterday, my cousin chose Britney Spears. If you also would like to choose Britney what you should do is this. While waiting to get into the hearse with your grieving mother (not birth mother, the one who raised you….who is crying) you should MAKE OUT with your freaky boyfriend. Add a little pelvic grind to it for extra shock and awe. When you get to the graveside services, be sure to leave your mother sitting alone. When you realize you may need to go sit with her, be sure to stomp over to her BAREFOOT with your DIRTY FEET on display for all the world to see. Also? Be sure to walk on top of all the graves in your wake…they are dead, they don’t know any better. You should then snap and gesture wildly for your boyfriend to also march across the graves to come join you. Also, underwear are TOTALLY OPTIONAL at this event.

Party Like It’s 1999: The last thing you will want to do is to be at least two hours late to the very nice reception set up in your fathers honor to see all the relatives who traveled great distances and gave up an entire day of work just to pay respects. You should also have spent so much time smoking whatever it is you smoke, that your breath actually smells like a BIOHAZARDOUS CHEMICAL.

So there you have it, the complete list of how to behave like an ass at a funeral. Feel free to use it but print it out and save it somewhere soon because I’m only leaving this post live for a few days for fear of pissing off the family members I like.

Comments

  1. Oh my. This so sounds like a family reunion I attended a few years back only mine wasn’t this amazing. Um. I’m all for a little bit of white trash, cause it’s fun, but not like this. Spoiled, spoiled spoiled. I can’t even make a snarky comment here because this is just too sad. As always, I loved reading you and your take on the funeral drama.

    On a lighter note, for some reason, I imagine that Britney Spears only showers every few days. I bet she smells like feet.

  2. Keely says:

    Oh dear. Your poor aunt :(
    Um, everyone grieves in their own way?
    …I can’t even offer that up, I’m sorry. I hope she falls off your family’s radar really quickly.

  3. Keely says:

    Uh, your self-involved cousin, not your aunt. Yeesh. I need more coffee.

  4. Mo says:

    Good God. I’m so sorry. I thought it was bad enough when one of my stepsons showed up to his grandmother’s funeral whacked out on meth, but this? This is actually worse. What a horrible person. She sounds so lost and screwed up.

    I send good thoughts and prayers to your aunt. Sounds like she’s going to need them.

    Mo

  5. HeatherPride says:

    Oh yeah, there’s nothing like dry-humping in a Hearse to really get the party started, huh.

    OMG, so sorry your cousin is such a jackass. So sorry for her poor mother (the adoptive mom, not the birth mom, who should have had enough class to bow out). And the Grateful Dead lyrics?? That’s just wrong on so many levels.

    Oh, like they said above, it’s just too tragic. I’m sorry.

  6. Jim says:

    Wow, she’s a gem. I’m sorry for your aunt. You should send your cousin the “Sincerest regrets that you’re a f*cktard” sympathy card.

  7. Becky says:

    Yes, I’m really hoping that this person was so grief-stricken that she didn’t know what she was doing. That might explain the stoned eulogy and the no underwear and possibly the lateness. But I can’t make the dry humping fit. (That is definitely the first time I’ve ever typed that last sentence.)

    Loved this post. I’m sorry for your loss.

  8. Kat says:

    Sorry about your loss. Sorry for your poor aunt. Your tacky cousin needs to take a long walk off a short pier.

  9. Mary Anna says:

    I’m so sorry for your family’s loss – and the loss of dignity put on display for everyone at the funeral.

  10. As I was reading this, I was thinking of my own cousin, who, at his dad’s funeral a few years ago, used the moment as an opportunity to lambast the family who cared for and helped his dad in his final years while he was out being a jackass and doing nothing, not even visiting. But then you got to the birth mother, Grateful Dead, and dry humping and you totally own this family experience! Wow! Sorry everyone involved had to witness that spectacle. I hope one day she realizes what she’s done, but I’d bet on that day never actually coming.

  11. DCD says:

    Wow, to think of all the boring funerals I have attended. No Grateful Dead lyrics, no dry humping, everyone had underwear on…yawn.

    Very sorry to hear about your loss. Kind thoughts going out to your Aunt as well.

  12. There’s self involved….and then there’s SELF INVOLVED!

  13. CK Lunchbox says:

    First, my condolences. He sounded like a good person.

    Okay I took good notes, but the Britney Spears part, could I try Pauly Shore instead?

    And you’re cousin? Well, that’s just awful.

  14. vodkamom says:

    I just might have to invite her to mine. Wouldn’t want it to be boring.

  15. Um. Wow.

  16. jennster says:

    holy shit. what a little bitch. but tell her thanks- cause without her antics, i wouldn’t have been able to read this post.

  17. denise says:

    that’s just awful, but i’d bet a million that she has nobody at her funeral.

  18. Lawyer Mom says:

    Sorry, but miss hippy-chick cousin totally knew what she was doing. This post made me think of a few tips I’ve got for winner-takes-all step-mothers: make sure that absolutely NO blood relatives sit on the front row at your loaded, deceased’s husband’s funeral. And that would include his 86-year old mother and his children. Be sure to book the funeral at some far-out, far-away location where none of your deceased husband’s friends or family have ever been, or even heard of. At least an hour’s drive time is ideal. Finally, at the end of the service, sneak off and receive no visitors. And then never ever speak to your dear husband’s family again. I mean, why bother? He’s dead, he’ll never know.

  19. No underwear and barefoot at dad’s funeral? Totally classy.

    So sorry about your uncle. That sounds terrible.

    Also, your ad network is now displaying a genealogy website. A wee bit ironic.

    Sorry again, and I’ll print out your list for future reference.

  20. Tuesday says:

    wow.
    Just wow.

  21. mike says:

    I am a CPA that helps families save money when they need to make funeral arrangements. Great post. I see this stuff way more than you would think.

    mike
    http://www.funeral-tips.com

  22. anna says:

    Wow, that is a class act right there. Sounds oddly like my step brother’s wedding. But you know, worse, since it was a funeral.

  23. braty says:

    Wow!!

    I guess that beats my “Stop the music!” moment at Granny’s funeral. In a strange way, it comforts me to know your side of the family is just as crazy as The Man’s.

    LOVE YOUR BLOG!!

  24. Mary Anne says:

    Braty (my sister in law y’all)
    I never thought we could top stop the music…but it finally happened. The torch had to be passed at some point honey.
    xoxo
    Mary Anne

  25. Yep, still stalking you. I’m emailing you today. That’s not a threat. It’s an overdue promise.

  26. Beth says:

    I think you should send your cousin a lovely, engraved “uninvitation” to your (very distant) funeral just to let her know that her presense is not wanted!

  27. Ann says:

    This is so-o-o crazy!
    (I heard a Grateful Dead song on the radio this morning and thought of you. )

  28. Jett says:

    My uncle-by-marriage owned a successful store in my extended family’s town. Ever the crafty capitalist, he popped the trunk to his car on the day of my (MUCH LOVED) grandmother’s funeral and began selling knives out of the trunk.

    I was an angry twelve-year-old already, so his behavior sent my own windmilling. When I asked him how much he was getting for the knives, he chuckled in a demeaning way and told me that I couldn’t afford one.

    “It’s a good thing,” I spat at him, “because the first thing I’d use it for is to stab you in the leg.” I got in a fuckload of trouble, but it was worth it to see the kaleidoscope of looks that meandered across that fool’s face.

  29. Robin says:

    Wow. I thought I had heard it all until I got to the underwear optional part. Who goes commando to a FUNERAL? Sad but funny stuff.

  30. Yo. That is effed up. Can’t wait to see the funeral she throws her birth mother. What will be the shenanigans there?

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