Yesterday I was out all day at a funeral. It was for an 83 year old uncle who I adored. Sad, yes but he had a great life, built a construction empire and died without pain. I’ll miss him. I won’t however, miss his daughter.
As I mentioned, he built a construction empire. From this you should feel free to infer that he was loaded because he was. And he and my aunt adopted a girl when she was a baby and gave her a life filled with lots of toys and goodies. Maybe too many toys and goodies, because she is now 37 years old and I just have no idea how someone that age could behave the way she did these past two days.
In case you were wondering how to act in the most reprehensible manner possible at your parents funeral, I’ve composed a list for you. Bookmark it and pull it out when and if the time comes and you want to cause shock and awe among your family members along with a general agreement that you are obviously “on something”. I have categorized these so you can mix and match as your needs dictate.
Play Hard To Get: First, being the only child, you should definitely not fly into town when your mother calls to tell you your father died…wait at least three days to put forth the effort.
Practice Being Fashionably Late: Next, to make sure everyone knows you don’t give a shit…try showing up 45 minutes late to the viewing and leave your 80 something year old mother there alone to greet well wishers and extended family members. Also, be sure to not feed your two boys before you get there so that they can loudly beg for food and raise hell. Also, and this is a trick you should only try at the expert level, invite your BIRTH MOTHER and HER SISTER to your father’s funeral. It is also key to point out here that you must point out to everyone that the woman grieving over there may have raised you, but this woman gave birth to you and her sister is now officially your aunt. (Note: I’m all for getting in touch with birth mothers, don’t get me wrong, however, your fathers viewing just ain’t the time to roll them out to a bigger crowd who have never met them, and didn’t even know they existed, in front of your “mother” who has no relationship with them either.)
Make An Entrance: If you really want to make a big splash try this. The funeral starts at 12:30. You should definitely let your poor mother take one last look at the man she loves on the arm of someone who works at the funeral home rather than your own. Here is the key people, if you are going to be late to your own father’s funeral MAKE AN ENTRANCE so everyone knows it. You should loudly pull the doors open and march down the center aisle a full :30 minutes late and only two minutes before you are to eulogize the man who raised you. Also? It’s a nice touch if you drag your freaky boyfriend behind you if you have one. If not, rent a follower to give you the entourage effect.
Know Your Audience: Eulogy Schmoology. We all know you have better things to do than to put thought into what you might say about someone who cared for you all of your life. You should appear stoned and incoherent and say things like “he finally said the one thing I wanted to hear in our final conversation and I look forward to the next chapter of our relationship”. (Hi…he’s the dead one? In the coffin? Yes…right over there….you probably won’t be having too many conversations so this next chapter in your relationship may prove to be difficult. Just sayin’) Then, since most of your audience has gray hair, you should throw them a curve ball and recite all the lyrics to a song…BY THE GRATEFUL DEAD….because they rock like that, yo.
Emulate A Celebrity When Possible: To give off the star effect, pick the celebrity of your choice to emulate. Yesterday, my cousin chose Britney Spears. If you also would like to choose Britney what you should do is this. While waiting to get into the hearse with your grieving mother (not birth mother, the one who raised you….who is crying) you should MAKE OUT with your freaky boyfriend. Add a little pelvic grind to it for extra shock and awe. When you get to the graveside services, be sure to leave your mother sitting alone. When you realize you may need to go sit with her, be sure to stomp over to her BAREFOOT with your DIRTY FEET on display for all the world to see. Also? Be sure to walk on top of all the graves in your wake…they are dead, they don’t know any better. You should then snap and gesture wildly for your boyfriend to also march across the graves to come join you. Also, underwear are TOTALLY OPTIONAL at this event.
Party Like It’s 1999: The last thing you will want to do is to be at least two hours late to the very nice reception set up in your fathers honor to see all the relatives who traveled great distances and gave up an entire day of work just to pay respects. You should also have spent so much time smoking whatever it is you smoke, that your breath actually smells like a BIOHAZARDOUS CHEMICAL.
So there you have it, the complete list of how to behave like an ass at a funeral. Feel free to use it but print it out and save it somewhere soon because I’m only leaving this post live for a few days for fear of pissing off the family members I like.