How To Make An Entrance

I went on a call this week, new agency for me, they haven’t done a whole lot of online advertising before so I had not been there before. I love new business calls, I really do. The chance to explain what my company does to a fresh set of ears can fuel my shallow sales ego for days on end.

I was lookin’ good….cute black and white dress, kicky red peep toe heels… I was ON. I walked from the parking garage to the meeting thinking, “Today is a great day.” Yeah well, not so much. Again, let’s refer back to the fact I work for a start up and sometimes you don’t get the hottest equipment in an effort to trim the bottom line. And I get that. But for one year, I have been lugging around this POS computer I call my “27 pound gray baby”. For the purposes of easy reading, let’s call her Bertha. Because she does weight 27 pounds, she is gray, and she sucks. They assure me a new computer is on the way lest I develop a work induced massive back injury from carrying Bertha around, rumor has it that the new beast, albeit lighter, will arrive Monday. Meh….we’ll see.

Anyheavy, Bertha was still my companion that day and and I walked into the skyscraper office building lugging her sorry ass on my back. I was confident, I was sure I had a great pitch to give, ready to set the world on fire.

I stepped out of the elevator in my stilletos, confident stride and attitude, check! What didn’t know is that that Bertha and the elevator had some communication on how to totally screw me over at some point because wouldn’t you know it, for the first time in my life, my heel got stuck in the crack between the elevator and floor. Not just a little stuck, a lot stuck. And I pitched forward like a mad woman. Two arms, one leg, full force forward, the other leg not moving due to the fact the heel was stuck firmly in the crack.

That’s when Bertha had her way with me. Bertha apparently did not want to leave the elevator and swung directly back into it. I’m still not really sure how it happened as it defies all laws of physics, but there you have it. Apparently her 27 pounds of torque far outweigh the power of my not disclosed body weight and I was summarily ripped back into the elevator. To the outside eye it would have looked like something from a horror show, girl gets out of elevator only to be ripped back in to the depths of hell by Freddy Krueger, but no, it was only Bertha extracting her last, great revenge on me. There was a girl there on her cell phone as the commotion ensued. She watched with a look somewhere between horror and confusion as I did a Fergie style one arm cartwheel back into the elevator and collapsed on the floor. As the doors closed behind me, the last thing I heard was her saying “OH. MY. GOD….”

I snapped out of it a few moments later and realized I actually was lying on the floor of a closed elevator, possibly with a broken hand. I took a moment, found both my shoes that had fallen off at some point during the commotion, stood up and pushed the button to let myself back out. The girl was still standing directly in front of the elevator with her mouth hanging open and I stepped out, very cautiously this time, and told her I was fine. And I’ll bet she never looks at a pair of stilletos the same way again.

We’re not quite done yet, because the agency was behind closed glass doors to the right of my little “incident”. I was really hoping I could cool my way out of this but no, EVERYONE in the lobby saw it too. One maintenance man, two employees and a cackling receptionist were waiting for me. The receptionist was actually on the phone saying, “you won’t believe what I just saw….” and trying to get her laughter in check when I walked in. That really helps a lot before a sales call, let me tell you.

The presentation went great, I was actually able to ignore the amazing pain in my hand and legs and get through it. Once I got back to my car, I started crying….of laughter. As embarrassing as this was, I’m so glad it happened because I laughed so hard I cried my makeup off. I laugh when I tell people about it and I laugh when I look at the back and blue that is the inside of my hand now. There is so much bad stuff in the world these days, I’m glad I was able to make a complete and total ass of myself. Cost of X-Ray: $100 Replacing fabulous shoes with now wobbly heel: $250 Having the belly laugh of the century over what a complete klutz I am: Priceless.

Comments

  1. Lawyer Mom says:

    Shit shit shit. Scarey shit too. A doctor was decapitated by an elevator. He stuck his head in, to try to catch it. But tragically . . . the doors closed, severing his head. I kid you not. Hope your hand is okay. But more importantly, you never said whether you saved your damn shoe. Does it still have a heel?

  2. Mary Anna says:

    YIKES! As quite the klutz myself, I totally feel your pain!

    Love your writing … I can totally see you falling back into the elevator – and that whency receptionist giggling freely. Maybe she’ll fall down the stairs later.

  3. Mary Anne says:

    Lawyer Mom: I KNOW!!! My husband heard the story…shoe is fine but it’s in time out. I can’t be trusted in heels for a while.

    Mary Anna: You are so sweet…thanks for wishing her down the stairs. :)

  4. THIS is the funniest story I have ever heard. I am laughing so hard that I have cramps. Oh, my God! I know the exact Fergie style cartwheel. I’m always so paranoid about that crack between the floor and the elevator. I’ve brushed it off as just a quirk I have. Now I know it is a real threat. I have read your post three times just to relive the moment. You pulled yourself together and handled it beautifuly. I would have never been able to do that.

  5. Tina says:

    holy crap! I hope your hand (and shoe) is ok. Sounds like something that could happen to me, there’s a reason my nickname is “Grace” lol.

  6. anna says:

    OMG–how awful! It sounds like you handled it well, but wow! Sometimes those kinds of things help with potentially nervous situations, I guess. It helps to be able to laugh. Hope your bruise is feeling better and your fabulous shoes are not too damaged.

  7. HeatherPride says:

    I could never have been as cool as you were!! I’m so impressed. If it makes you feel any better, I have pretty much fallen down in every major city I’ve traveled to. I’m all for making a spectacular ass of myself.

  8. Stephanie says:

    While this is quite a tragic tale, the main thing I’m taking away from it is, Thank God I am not the only one to get my skinny little heels caught in crap constantly.

  9. Keely says:

    Don’t put the shoes on time-out for too long. They’ll get petulant and trip you up again.

  10. DCD says:

    Clearly, the stiletto’s and Bertha were in cahoots.

  11. Maria S. says:

    OMG! Sorry…laughing
    Still laughing…
    Yep, still laughing. But you KNOW I love you.
    I can so totally see you falling.
    Bitch Bertha, bitch shoes (Manolos? Jimmy? or???) and bitch receptionist.
    Did you get the sale?
    XOXO
    M

  12. Julee says:

    I’m a friend of Steenky Bee and I too can’t stop re-living your moment in my mind. I hope you got the sale.

  13. Mary Anne says:

    Maria and Julie….after all that…NO. Can you believe it?

  14. Wendy says:

    Glad you’re ok and sorry for the terribleness of the accident, but THAT IS THE FUNNIEST THING I’VE READ in a very long time! I peed a little I laughed so hard…is there a snee-like name for that? Damn that receptionist for openly laughing at you…I bet she has cankles and was just jealous because she wouldn’t have looked so cute in your pretty red heels.

Trackbacks

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