For the last two years, thanks to the Gods of Plastic Surgery, I have been able to wear a bikini for really the first time in my life. (Age 7 with a cute little potbelly doesn’t count) I’ve never been really fat, but having been a one piece suit wearer all my life, I have it in my head that I have to be almost perfect to pull off a bikini. In the year since I last wore a bikini, I’ve traveled a lot and eaten a lot….and let’s be honest, drank A LOT. The result is, although I am not fat or even chubby, I cannot look at myself in the mirror anymore and say, “Yes, you are awesome enough to rock that binkini”. I don’t have low self esteem so don’t go there with me, and I don’t really care if you wear one, I just have rules for my own life and this is one that I can’t break. So, this year has been the return of the one piece. Yes, yes….I know all about tankinis. They look totally craptastic on me thanks to my ginormous boobs (not surgically enhanced fyi) but thanks for recommending.
Anywho, I took the kids to our local pool the other day and after a few moments, I realized I was the only one in a one piece. Really, just me. And here’s the worst part, I wouldn’t judge a single one of those mommies for the bikinis they were wearing. I would have done the same thing if I looked like that. But there I was, in my one piece, with really no tan to speak of since I rarely have time to hang by the pool….hanging out with a bunch moms my age who looked awesome. Mentioning my spider veins would at this point be overkill on the image. Here’s the worst part about me (or maybe the best), I am also the Mommy who gets her hair wet. Add all of this together and I’m beginning to feel a little bit self conscious. That’s when my horrible habit of adding a narrative in my head kicked in and said, “Your swimsuit looks like one of those old timey bathing costumes.” Hi, where in the holy hell did THAT come from? I have never in my life used that word and have only heard it once in some documentary but there it was and it wasn’t leaving my head anytime soon. It should be noted that the narrator in my head has several personalities and voices, today he is apparently some type of a snobby English Butler, I don’t know why. Also, I’d like you to know that while this makes me sound like Sybil (if you are old enough to remember this movie…I love you) the difference being I never physically hurt myself or others, I just seem to like making myself feel like shit.
It went downhill from there. I tried to sit and talk to the very nice mommies at the pool. I tried to appear confident as one not so nice Mommy walked past me in a swimsuit barely large enough to cover the private parts of my 6 year old daughter. I tried to busy myself with feeding the children only to spill ketchup down the front of my swimsuit. All the while in my head, the relentless nagging of that little snobby English butler voice…”bathing costume, bathing costume, bathing costume”.
I was becoming frantic for an exit at this point. I was starting to really feel sick to my stomach. And that’s when it happened. Somebody’s kid did the job for me and threw up in the pool and we were kicked out for the rest of the day. I don’t know who this amazing little barfing boy is but today, I am his biggest fan.
I probably don’t have to tell you that the remainder of my summer plans involve only being in my own pool in my bathing costume for fear of the snobby English Butler coming back and making me feel like shit…asshole.
{ 2 comments }
I’ve seen Sybil. That brook scene really haunts me still. Hooray for the barfing boy. Are you sure you didn’t slip some rotten mayo in his sandwich? I had to strap on a swim suit fir the first time in a few years this summer. I am a firm believer in the 2 piece. I sucessfully pulled off the tankini with one little hitch. My bottom piece was one if those awful skirt-like thing. I, too, wore a bathing costume.
Psh…why so self-critical? Have you read your blog? It’s awesome. You can’t tell me that that doesn’t come across in your swimwear choices too.
That goes for you too Jen.
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